Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

[Self-Pity Zone]
You've moved me to tears, I'm grateful for your words. Yes I am overwhelmed here - and I overreact.

I thought with Sara, who self-analyses to grow, that my words would help, not fix - but help - provide a place to hide, grieve, explore.

When she said that she had to leave in such unhappiness I fear she was driven out, that I made things worse, I guess I had gradually let my guard down and posted from the heart, perhaps being too blunt.

I worry about her.

So it was with relief and delight I read your words

[Dottie Zone]
Firstly if you can talk forever about music please do so - it is a magic carpet, both the sound, the execution and just conversing about it - and I do enjoy the talk, and learning new avenues to explore

As far as knowing the source of the pain, I think it wold be remarkable if you did know exactly why you were hurting at every given moment. Pain spreads out from hidden wells, some identifiable, some still a mystery - at least that's how it was/is for me

What sort of work do you do - traveling to and from in clouds of sound?

I'll listen to The Arena and see what it's like

May I be impertinent and ask you two questions (answers optional of course)?

In the bb forums it is a 'given' that professional help is the correct path to take. Do you think you are growing into being a happier more durable person by going your own way, or just 'marking time'?

When you hurt is there only music for relief - or are there other things?

All my affection

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I've just listened to Lindsey Stirling's The Arena - pretty good, deeper and more skillful than I expected, but then I guess she's had a pretty full life one way or another. In some ways it reminds me of the Dr Blake Mysteries theme - though that is slower and shallower (IMHO)

BTW I did not ask those 2 questions to be intrusive or give any sort of hint or judgment, I'd simply like your views. I've always had very frequent psych help and I often wonder what would have happened if I had less or none. I also try to add more and more avenues of relief to my list to combat bad places. You are teaching me in the music area.

Affectonalty

Croix.

[1113]

Hi Sconnor, croix and dottie,

Sorry sconnor it still havent come up with a new nickname. Sorry to here of your issues, you already know me or is it me who knows me? Confuseled. LAM my sense of humor is weird. I think your new nick name will be JAS. Just angel sara. Anyone who gives time to people in need are angels.

Croix- you have a wounderful train of thought. Very fascinating!

Dottie - your also highly intelligent and fascinating too!

I hope you dont mind me gate crushing this party, but I will not be an issue really. If you can put up with my grammer. Lol.

Im keen to learn from masters of intellect, objectively of course.

I have been spying on this thread, which is rude, so here I am.

I hope I am no bother.

Peace

Matt

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Well, I think this thread is very raw and real so sometimes the posts can be a little intense. In saying that, said rawness is also part of the beauty of this thread.

I mean, of course you're entitled to your own opinion and how you feel is valid. 4 years with my shrink means I sometimes use words like "valid" and "validate" ha, ha. But my inappropriate humour aside, I don't feel you're overreacting- I think you're responding from a compassionate place. All we have here is text- no body language, intonation, minimal context, etc so you're trying your best to understand within those communication parameters. That's all you can do and you're doing a mighty job btw!

You worry about Sara because you care. That's what it comes down to, I think.

I agree with you that sometimes the source of certain pains is a mystery. The Feels sure is odd sometimes.

Lindsey Stirling is pretty versatile and I like how she brings different genres together in her pieces. I looked up the DBM theme and I can see (hear) why The Arena reminds you of it. I think maybe The Arena is a little more theatrical and passionate relative to the DBM theme (?)

Um...I'm not sure if I'm marking time or growing happier by going about things "my way." I'm surviving is what I'm doing.

I wouldn't say music is my only relief BUT it is probably my best and most reliable relief. I can find things- understanding and reliability- in music that I often can't find in people.

When I used to have my regular shrink visits, I often felt completely wiped after a session. I had no one to turn to afterwards so I turned to what has always been a reliable source of comfort and empathy- music.

As long as there was music, I was okay. When the music stopped, well, that's when the hurts and pains would start up again. Even if I played/listened to the most melancholic music, it was still immense relief. Music just let me "be."

When I found the right song or piece, it was (is!) the most incredible feeling. Someone once said that music saves lives and I concur.

It's hard to say how things would have been had you received less/no psych help. I don't think anyone has the answer- and you know that- but it's a fair question. You do wonder...

I've had Gavi's Song on repeat. If you want to know how I'm feeling- really feeling- the piece says it all.

Thanks again Croix, and thanks for speaking my favourite language. As long as the music keeps playing, I'm never truly alone 😉

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

Croix, oops I rambled about music for so long that I forgot to answer one of your questions. Sorry.

See this is what happens when you give me the green light to harp on about music ha, ha:

a) I don't shut up

b) I go off at weird and unrelated tangents.

About my job, I work with people of all different ages- adults and children alike- who are living with developmental disabilities like FAS, Fragile X, etc. It's a multidisciplinary team so we have speechies (speech pathologists), OTs, psychs, etc on board. As I'm still studying, I'm fairly junior at work.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Matt (1113),

Even though I'm (obviously) not Sara, it's lovely to see you here. I'm sure Sara will welcome you with open arms when she's back.

Thank you for the compliments. You're too kind 😊

If it helps, I don't see any major issues with your grammar. Besides, I make endless typos and have countless autocorrect issues (combined with my laziness at properly editing) means sometimes I write things that make little sense ha, ha.

Hopefully I'll see you on this thread again.

Welcome! You're no bother at all.

Dottie xxx

[1113]

Thankyou dottie,

That was a very pleasant and warm welcome that I just recieved.

That means so much to me!

Just put a smile on my dial.

Sara and I go a fair way back. I like to think we are friends. Sometimes my sense of humor and my lack of grammer makes people take my expression the wrong way.

It was very nice to be accepted in a non judgemental way. Forums like this with people suffering from mental illnesses should be judgemental free, i feel that alot of people dont post due to being harsely critized by there life, beleifs etc. Nobody is perfect.

So I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will def come back a speak with you, I may not have much to input but I will be learning from some lovely souls.

Peace

[Croix]

Dear Matt & Dottie~

Matt~

For me - you are most welcome here. Unique grammatical interpretations add flavor:)

BTW I owe you a quote for hogging the quote thread:-

"Sorry about that chief!" -Maxwell Smart, Agent 86

As you may have found if you have been reading this thread, as Dottie says, it can be bit intense.

In part because Sara, Dottie and Cornie are the three I've been lucky enough to relate to since joining the Board 2 years ago and starting to post around September. They have been kind enough to give me affection, put up with my thoughts and forgive me for becoming a trifle too intense at times. They are beyond price and I care about them deeply

Your new nickname for Sara, 'Just Angel Sara '. When she chose 'Just Sara' I did not like it - though for once I kept my thoughts to my self, to the outsider it is too self-depreciating, 'Sara' on it's own or even 'The Sara' would be more appropriate (See Sara that'll teach you to look:) - Yes she is an angel.

If you plan on being around awhile would you do me the honor of telling me a little about yourself - if you feel comfortable of course?

Dottie~

Yes I'm listening to Gavi's song now about which she said:

"It was really hard to go back and write again, since I was so full of hurt," she recalls. "At first, everything was coming out with anger, fear and pain. Then I remembered he wasn't a sad person and he was full of joy. So rather than closing myself off, I started making myself more vulnerable. I turned it into positive energy."

My apologies if you already knew - it's new to me.

The violin almost lost in a large space, the recurrent theme like life pulsing gently (mostly) though the piece. Occasionally reaching heights. Alternative issues dragged in. Towards the end it fades away so the listener does not know if it stops or continues in the artist's mind - perhaps like Gaviati himself. Beautiful.

Trust you to have an occupation that helps others - I should have known!

If I may I'll take the liberty of answering the question I asked you; I feel you are slowly growing

Please don't shut up, please do go off on weird tangents

Affectionately

Croix

[1113]

Thankyou Croix,

I feel the warmth of your welcome.

I am a individual, to say the least. Im caring and compassionate, have a twisted sense of humor.

I have had many depressive episodes in my time, MD 20yrs hosiptalised many times.

I am a chef by trade, have run my own business. Lost things many of times due to illness.

Was married once, but now am a single parent of a boy who is gnt. Quiet a hand full. Full time. I am blessed to have him.

I believe in everything. There is on right or wrong. In that sense you must obey the law. Of course.

I didnt do well at school, never like it.

I believe angels speak to me through numberology. Have had way to many things happen to me, that is a given to me to believe this. I can tell more about this if you like. Numbers and I get along very well.

Peolpe say Im psychic. So is my sister. I have know to be more aware of things. Im part scotish, they call it the highland touch.

I generally get along with anyone. I hold no grudges. Life is to short for that stuff.

I have overcome agrophobia in the last month. I feel pretty good.

I am very empathic.

Im looking into celestial geodynamics atm. Polar dirft etc. Has a lot to do with our future.

I will tell more.

What about you?

Peace

Matt.

[Croix]

Dear Matt
Thank you for giving me pretty good idea of who I’m talking to. As we are all semi-transparent ghosts made up of text appearing on screens I find it’s too easy for me to construct people out of my preconceptions

I’m afraid you did speak a little quickly for me in a couple of places, I don’t understand: atm, MD & gnt - sorry

You talk quietly about what must have been a very hard life in places. It may sound funny to say it but I find those who have faced life’s tragedies are more ‘real’ – not shallow

Me – I’m an ex-cop, initially diagnosed with stress related disorders (PTSD plus chronic anxiety in today’s parlance) in the late 70’s. Invalided out TPI in mid 80’s. Studied and taught computing at a uni on a part time honorary basis, now using IT in a Govt institution to make things – again honorary part time

Still umpteen physical and mental symptoms (treatment in those days consisted of trial and error with strong medications), been hospitalised once. The only really hard thing I’m not able to come to terms with nowadays is that when I’m at my worst my judgment is distorted and I find it very difficult to compensate

Blessed by being married twice, first wife died after 25 years, going on 20 years with the second. One adult son who is a nurse like his mother

Other than that I read – a lot. I know nothing at all about numberology (other than it probably explains why you have a numeric username) and an equivalent amount on celestial geodynamics. I didn’t like schools either – went to 8 of the rotten things

Assistance at work in the last 6 months has allowed me time to participate in the Forums, before I only ‘lurked’. Some of the situations here tend to dovetail in with some of my police experiences.

I’m finding it can be hard as I feel the suffering and can only try to comfort – never fix. I’m learning

Thanks for listening

My best wishes

Croix