Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

I think it's great that you're on this path of self discovery and self definition. I'm sure you're there...tangled in all the years of abuse and trauma, you're there. I guess now you're untangling and finding your own voice.

For years, you acted as both protector and nurturer for so many people. Reenacting familiar dynamics.

But at the risk of talking out of my arse- which I am known to do- those dynamics seem very prescriptive like "You Jane, me Tarzan." And maybe...I don't know...maybe part of your evolving sense of self would be to let go of some of the need/instinct to save and rescue.

I'm kind of rambling...but maybe healthier relationships have more flexible dynamics, and are less about protecting and nurturing and more about equality, support and empathy. Like you can still protect and nurture without nessarily completely embodying the role of the protector/nurturer in a relationship (regardless of whether it's intimate, familial, friendship, etc).

I think it's great that you're discovering/accepting your own sexuality that had been repressed for so many years. I guess it was always there but you have always had to fit some sort of mould- be something to someone else- that it wasn't until now that you could be more true to yourself.

You'll figure it out in good time- what you want and need as well as who you are and want to be. Life is for learning after all. Thanks for being you and letting us be a part of your journey.

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie Girl;

You Tarzan...me Jane!!?? I'm assuming you mean stereotypes? I had a laugh at this one...no offence intended, I just haven't heard it before in this context. But it does fit the bill of sorts.

When I wrote my post above, there were some issues pending that came out of their closet last night. (Pun intended) It's also that I spent half of the day with child protection agencies re family issues. It's a nasty bloody business, but you know what? I kept my cool and distance...boundaries.

It had to be done, there's no doubt in my mind about that. However, as you've stated, an appropriate amount of connection and then walking away to let the professionals do their job is what has occurred. I'm proud of myself.

I have lots on my mind today, so I won't go much further with my post. I will say I adore you and your support. You're going to make a grand 'whatever' when it's time lovely.

So have a great weekend and hope the exams are either finished or going well.

Love Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Um...yes and no...I was sort of talking about stereotypes but sort of not. But I can see why you would think that ha, ha. Let's just go with that then.

Hey, that's awesome to hear- so you should be proud of yourself! Well done, you. It must have been quite the day- to say the very least- to have spent half the day with child protection agencies. Hopefully it all gets resolved in due course. Well done again on balancing connection with boundaries.

Thanks, I appreciate the encouragement immensely. I had my last exam almost 2 weeks ago now- phew.

Thinking of you.

Keep staying amaze!

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

I just saw your post in your funnies thread and just wanted to give you a virtual bear hug.

You are intelligent as well as many other kinds of amazeness, k?

Keep being you and stayin' fresh and amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

I'm back Dottie!

I've been posting, but couldn't face this thread. Too much going on in my head and wanted to concentrate on others for a while...the great escape.

You're so gracious and lovely Dot. Thankyou for your comments and support. I'm better for it!

I watched 'Terminator 2: Judgement day' tonight. Sarah Conner in all her glory. When it came out in 1993, I was trying to overcome my son's abuse, his acting out and disclosures to me. I felt completely helpless. Finding a man to protect us was a subliminal driving force, but at the same time, a massive threat; paradoxal and confusing.

I ask men that I'm interested in, if they'll protect me. Their answer is so important, but I'm learning words are easy; it's their actions that count. This issue brings out my PTSD. I feel it now. Holding back the tears and trying to keep mindful.

I used to use Arnold Schwarzenegger as a power figure for my son when he was having his night terrors. I'd sit on his bed hugging him and talking to try and settle his screaming and writhing. I thought if I could get Arnie into his dreams, he'd have a man to protect him. I didn't see me as his protector. Those times were hard Dot.

My PTSD was solidified during those yrs of night terrors and waiting up so I wasn't woken by his screams. I hear people say; "Oh it must've been awful, want a cuppa?" No empathy...ya think? No-one can imagine the absolute helplessness and distress of facing that every night. Not even my son. I felt so alone.

When I look at Sarah Conner in the movie, she's that powerful protective mum at all costs. I only 'got' that tonight. She's who I wanted to be, to keep my son safe, just as she did. I understand now why I was obsessed by her. Arnie was his protector till death. I wanted that in a man!

Anyway, it's over now. My son came to talk with me this morning and he asked questions and engaged really well. I was filled with joy that he's finally taking control of his life. More nesting grief for me though. I know, that's life. It's a big reality to leave behind...that fear.

Letting go...

Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

All good, sometimes it can be smart to take a break from our thoughts/analyses (if that makes any sense). I'm glad you're back now- you sound somewhat refreshed with newfound self insight.

I've been posting, but couldn't face this thread.

Would it be weird that when I read your line, my first thought was I know? Either way, it's good to have you back on your own thread ha, ha. Aw shucks, thank you 😊

I agree with you that actions speak louder than words. Words are indeed easy and it's in people's actions that we find true intent and character. It's a bit like saying, don't tell me, show me.

I guess for you, your PTSD brings with it more complexity, triggers and a whole other can of worms. Hopefully with self awareness, you can find a way to manage the many conflicting emotions. It must be painful though...and exhausting...big hug...

I'm not a parent so I can't speak from personal experience. But I think, when it comes down to it, your search for the ultimate protector for your son- regardless of whether it was as Sara or in Arnie- reflects a mother's deep love for her child.

To keep him safe: always and forever (and possibly wanting to do so from beyond the grave too). What is this? As I said, a mother's love.

It must have been a beautiful moment when your son sought your advice (he trusts you). While children who trust their parents may or may not seek their parents' advice, children who don't trust their parents can almost be guaranteed to never seek their advice. I guess I'm trying to say, hey, he trusts you. Credit to you as a parent. You did good, Sara!

It sounds as though he is on track. Letting go would be a very emotional time for you. You want to protect him (always and forever, right?) but it's his time to find his way. For what it's worth, you've gifted him with unconditional love. In Corny's words, he will always remember you.

Super duper hug, you awesome mum (& shoutout to any other awesome mums and dads reading this)!

Stay amaze 😉

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

Hey Girls, Sara and Dots,

You're both dating Lana Del Rey it seems, 'Summertime Sadness' hey.

Well what's a few tears if they're not falling in humidity, wintertime they only crystalise into stars, at least this way they'll produce a lovely little mystical mist gently rising from your gorgeous faces up up and away into the vapour.

Dots, I replied to your public versus private thread, hopefully Corn wasn't too risqué again. Whack.

Sara, I think you're doing incredibly hard work. I suppose the hardest thing after identifying old patterns of relating is to see it for what it is, and take the plunge back out into life, allowing ourselves to stuff up and make 'mistakes' again is OK. The person you may potentially make a 'mistake' with will not be perfect either, I assure you.

Coming from a household with 2 parents with mental illness, and one of them exiting the worst way one can choose to with these ghastly conditions, I can safely comment that social isolation quickly becomes 40, 50, 60 ,70 80 percent of the problem, depending who you talk to I suppose! Mental health snowballs with social isolation.

I'm worried about your social isolation Sara. It's so easy for me to sit here and say that, and extremely difficult to change. I have a lot of friends your age and they are nearing retirement and quite frankly I am anxious for them. I feel like saying don't wish away work just yet. I haven't had a working parent since I was 11 so I have witnessed first hand how corrosive social isolation can be on mental health. Until work is gone you don't realise how much social connection is wrapped up in employment and derived from having a routine and structure to your day. Also if someone's marriage/relationship is not the strongest retirement can reveal a lot of holes so to speak and you will be together 24/7 to immerse yourself in holes.

Corn Fritz xx

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Ha, ha Summertime Sadness alright...I love that song btw. I think that I like the Winter stars more in that case.

Thanks, I read your response and I'm mulling over it. Nah, it's all good- I'm used to your humour and risqué writing by now ha, ha. I don't mind it...makes me laugh and sometimes you tell it as it is, which is what we need to hear.

You stay amaze too, okay?

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

I have eclectic tastes in music Dots, I love it all.

Right now I am channelling Prince's spirit to you in funk-a-licious style via Childish Gambino, 'Redbone'.

Later in the evening I will be swapping to something heavier, maybe trawl through some crazy cats bedrooms and listen to what they producin' in the garages of their pain across Australia.

Sara is at the gym with Arnie.

xx

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara and Corny,

Corny, thanks for the tune-y vibes. Eclectic is good because music snobbery is one of my pet peeves (don't get me started on this topic) ha, ha.

Hopefully your music search was fruitful and you found sound awesome songs 😊

Stay amaze.

Dottie xxx