Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Good morning to you all; isn't it a beautiful sunny day? It is where I am..

Some more on Nicks' (Wantalife) post; separating myself from the opinions and attachment issues with others has been a battle. I went to a Buddhist Retreat a couple of yrs ago and while there I 'received' an insight during meditation; I wrote it quickly on a little piece of paper. It read;

'Allow others to suffer for their lessons are not yours. Use empathy and discernment, not sympathy.'

It took me a long time to understand what this meant 'to me'. As time went on though, this tid-bit of info taught me to step back and discern what involved me, and what didn't. The word 'discernment' was my saving grace. It told me I had the power to walk away when in my best interest, and when to give without taking from myself.

Sympathy: Taking on the problems of others as if they're your own.

Empathy: Imagine walking in their shoes, and supporting them to help themselves.

Training myself to change strategies when dealing with people was really difficult. There were many times I broke down with a war going on inside me re right and wrong, and trying desperately to go from selflessness to selfishness.

Posting on BB has been a God-send; teaching me the difference between sympathy and empathy.

One of my greatest lessons though, was not exposing myself too much. This has been a huge effort because I did this all the time and 'advertised' myself as, well, desperate and easy. The little girl inside crying for help, attracted those who wanted to feel big. When my adult rose, those people abused to bring me down again. A horrible cycle.

So now I protect my inner child by listening, watching and learning who others are, then discerning if and when that person is in my best interest to be around.

Standing out in a crowd isn't always a good thing, nor is being in the middle spinning around trying to keep tabs on everything. Being on the outer edge gives a better view of situations, and doesn't attract attention.

I have many times over exposed myself on this thread, but anonymity gives boundaries and a sense of safety.

Ok, I just lit 2 ciggies one after the other. Doh! 😛 Blood sugar depleted...must eat.

Love you all...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Good post 😊 Thought provoking. I agree that there is a huge difference between sympathy and empathy.

Although sometimes the line between the 2 might be unclear; I guess finding that line takes practice, which is what you're working on (and that's awesome!) Boundaries are healthy, and I like to think of empathy is feeling deeply for others but without enmeshment.

As always, I never have answers (I always try to make that clear as I don't want to sound like I'm nagging or lecturing ha, ha); I only have my random thoughts to share. But for what it's worth, maybe when we haven't been loved very well, we reach out for any one (& I mean anyone), and of course predators are good at choosing targets.

I think being in the middle spinning plates or on the outer edge can both have benefits and drawbacks. I think it depends on the situation and your personal state of mind. Like, I think too much spotlight time can be exhausting, draining and make one vulnerable to unscrupulous people. Too much sideline time and maybe one ends up observing rather than living. But who knows...just random Dottie sharing her random thoughts ha, ha. I personally do a bit of both in my offline life 😉

Anyway, love your insight and you in general!

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Gorgeous D Girl and Co;

Your words;

I like to think of empathy is feeling deeply for others but without enmeshment.

Too much sideline time and maybe one ends up observing rather than living.

OMG woman! These are priceless and so wise...

Thanks for stewing on my words...nice complement!

How's that WAL? Short and sweet; straight to the point. ha ha

It's 2am and I'm spent. 2 hrs sleep in the past 40 hrs...heading off psychosis with med's for quality dream-state

Zzz Zzz...Sara xoxo

[Guest_322]

Any time, Sara 😊

I hope you have managed to get a little more sleep. Sleep dep kind of blows.

Take care.

Stay amaze!

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Thanks Dottie;

Yes I did get some quality sleep although my day (what was left of it) seemed frustratingly short.

I'm feeling somewhat emotional today. Heart got a workout due to a movie I watched last night. It doesn't help with all the love songs playing on the stereo; they just seem to 'get in'.

It's nice to say I'm listening to music which I constantly have blaring during the day and evening, especially when I'm on here. I haven't been able to since my ex and I were together...he ruined music for me. He liked it quiet and all about him. I was a doting partner willing to give it all up for (the delusion of) him; how pathetic.

...I ain't gonna bump no more with no big fat woman... music and lyrics to live by.

Mmm...I have got it bad haven't I?

Anyway, might do some more work around the house.

Good luck with the Melbourne Cup today!

Sara xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Movies can give the blood pump a good, old workout (and get the tear ducts working too). I'm glad to hear you're listening to music again. It's the universal language.

Not pathetic. Not pathetic at all, Sara. Just human with a pulse and feelings. Besides, who hasn't fallen for the idea of a person?

Enjoy your tunes!

Dottie xxx

[Wilma1]

Sara-conna, this is a great thread. I just wanted to drop in and let you know I read regularly and am very inspired.

Dotti, I hope you are proud of the young woman that you are. I wish you blue skies along your journey. Wishful

[Guest_322]

Aw Wishful,

That honestly made my day. Beautiful, sparse words that made me tear up a little. Thank you so much! That means a lot. And my heart goes out to you too.

Wishful= brave. Big virtual hug from me to you (only if that's okay of course).

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Dottie and Wishful;

Fine sentiments indeed taken with gratitude.

...

Today my son told me he didn't like being around me...to go to the coast or somewhere to live and wasn't my friend.

My heart is bursting out of my chest...

I'm sorry I can't inspire today. It's just not in me. At midnight it's my birthday. I've taken med's...I know Dottie...I shouldn't write when I do this. But the loneliness is unbearable.

The thought of my son kept me going; alive. Now I'm useful...I suppose that's something right?

Funny, I've an appt with my psych tomorrow. Don't know what I'll say...words escape me, at least any she'd want to hear.

I have you...that's important. I'm still alive...that's important too. Each breath hurts...but I'm breathing none the less. I have me...finding the positives.

My fingers are resting on the keys between words...just sitting there. Getting them out of me little by little.

Please don't worry. This too shall pass. I get it now. Anyone told the things I heard from my only child is bound to evoke grief and loss. It's not the end of the world.

I'm still waiting on those med's. Sleep will make it easier.

He told me to be stronger, get better, stop crying. I've stopped...for him. "So how was your day?" I said. "Ok I suppose" He replied. I said; "Oh well, I've got things to do. Take it easy...we'll talk soon" I held my breath as he walked out. He hugged me half halfheartedly. He left. I haven't cried since.

I've lived for my son and supported him for 26 yrs alone. What now?

I have me...Sara xo

[Just Sara]

I'm free...