Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[geoff]

dear Dizzy, there is so much that each one of us has to go through in life, problems which we think we can handle, but we have to struggle, hoping and maybe pretending to others or even thinking that we can handle everything but unfortunately this doesn't happen because we are not confident of doing this.
It could confusing, although we don't see it that way, because we feel as though 'it will be OK', that's where are problem begins.
Decisions or even statements we make are how we actually feel at that present moment, but as soon as we start to doubt our judgement, then we are not comfortable with what we have said and when this happens just means lack of confidence, so then we feel as though we need to change our statement, but you have strength in what you say, you have empathy and understanding on how you post a reply, because that's how you feel and your thoughts should never be taken away from you.
You want to reply to a person because you are concerned for them, so never cast any doubt on your comments.
I have not addressed some other issues, but this will happen over time, but Dizzy we are behind you in every way. Geoff. x

[Just Sara]

Many thanks Geoff!

As always, you're a light in my day. Yes I am caring and post when I feel I can help. However, giving this to me has a way of triggering old stuff, and getting through that is my purpose for this thread.

Knowing me and my patterns is essential in my recovery. What makes me tick, is an exercise in longevity, humility, guts, forgiveness and strategy; an evaluation and action plan of biblical proportions. If I were to make a list of all I've experienced in dot points, I would fill a few of these posts in word counts.

I do applaud my own courage and staying power, my ability to survive, to learn from my mistakes and those of others. Sharing my journey and experience/wisdom is why I'm on BB.

It's how I can give and feel of value. It is of course a 2 way street.

Grateful and warm thoughts Geoff..

...Dizzy xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

As is often the case, your posts leave me feeling pretty speechless.

You have so much insight that it's mind blowing. You write beautifully; even if you're writing about really painful things, there's a still a (sad) beauty in it.

I can't even begin to imagine what it has been like to transition from that bubble to your current "existence." What next is a good question? And I know you're not directly asking me of course (not that I would have the answer in a million years) but I think the answer lies in you. You're smart- you're like Cornstarch- you'll figure it out. That, I trust.

I like what Geoff said about not doubting yourself, and I agree with him that you're compassionate and understanding. If some random 20 year old can type and hit "Post this reply" on her phone- when a good 50% of the time, she has no idea what she's saying and crosses her fingers that she doesn't say anything too stupid- YOU certainly shouldn't doubt. yourself 😉

Much love from said random 20 year old,

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Knowing me..

The past few weeks have been an exercise in dealing with foreboding and a stale-mate or sorts. I get this way when progress means change. It seems my interpretation of the 'abyss' is a good deflection from reality; demonising opportunities for change until I'm back in PTSD land.

It's interesting how I downplay my greatness and allow myself to live overshadowed. To achieve my goals, I need to acknowledge my wonder and wisdom; creativity and confidence. Pursuing this avenue has many times, pushed back my progress and recovery. However, not completely. My steps may be small, but they're in the right direction. So even though I freak out with panic and fear, that tiny light inside encourages me onward.

Today is one of those days; the calm after the storm. I've looked back at my beautiful tiny steps with pride. They speak volumes of my courage and stamina.

Last night I spoke with a Crisis Line psych who pulled me out of my perceived abyss, and placed me back on my path. (Sigh..) Relief and energy came as she spoke, and I knew I was back on track.

Understanding complex concepts is a plus, but being able to apply those concepts into everyday life is absolutely imperative. I once asked my Math teacher in high school; "How do I apply negative numbers to a real situation?" He couldn't answer so I took it upon myself to research relevant info. A chequing account (the old banking days) monthly summary held the answer. Once it made sense, I never questioned it again. My recovery is like this.

So today...I know me, my skills and how to use them. Love Math's!

Dizzy xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

I'm glad that you're celebrating your progress- and so you should be. I think that it's less about the distance of each stride and more that you're moving 😉

I like your recovery analogy. Who would have thought that a maths class would aid your recovery? You have a beautiful attitude even though I realise there's a lot of pain there.

So here's to recovery (and maths)!

Dottie x

[QldMouse]

Hello Dizzy,

I just wanted to say how impressive your thread and journey are (so far) and how inspirational it is to read, you are an amazingly special person clearly. There are many comments from others, like the wonderful comments from Dottie and Geoff, but I wanted to say thank you for shaking up my grey matter. Mine needs shaking up.

I really feel for your struggle and wish you every success on your journey, I know only too well how hard that is when your childhood lacked nurturing. That old line about what does not kill us makes us stronger eh?

I'll follow your journey from the sidelines, I wish you all the best and happy landings where every the journey takes you.

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie and QM;

It's nice to know my words can help others to 'shake up the grey matter'. Both your responses help me with validation and acknowledgement. Much appreciated. Dottie, as always, it's a pleasure to hear from you darling.

Getting to know me...intimately.

While journaling this morning, I wrote about the relationship I have with myself and how this has changed over the past 20 yrs. I'm retraining my mind to stop having conversations in my head with others, a habitual trait I developed during the relationship with my ex.

There's an intimate self love occurring, and it's giving me a well deserved break from worrying about what other people think and feel. Existing separately from others is a concept well worth exploring and has benefited me immensely. I'm alive and living in my own skin and haven't perished..I'm truly independent; making decisions and choices, and living with the consequences.

I'm being kind, gentle, forgiving and patient with me, just like I would if I were my own child. I'm taking the reigns from 'her', and accepting responsibility/accountability for my actions, thoughts, words and feelings. My post trauma responses are a part of me, but they don't control me. I am an observer and my own emergency response team.

Life is a mystery; but it's also an adventure. I'm living it today.

Taking a load off...Dizzy xoxo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

That was beautiful. Really beautiful. I'm so glad you started this thread. Thanks for giving us an "in" on your journey. Qld Mouse seems just as happy as me that you started this thread.

Your words of self love, self worth and independence are very powerful. I think that it will resonate with lots of people who are reading as I type.

Here's to Dizzy living today. You are a superstar.

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Greetings again lovely Dottie;

I missed one of your posts on the 10th...sorry I only just read it.

Before I go, I just wanted to say something to you re your 'myself' comments. You have proven over and over how resilient, brave, beautiful, kind, intelligent and wise you are for one so young. I've said it before, and I have no doubt I'll say it again in the future.

Your validation and 'following' status is really important to me. Not just because you respond, but because you're still here. So many times we lose people along the threads, and having you here with me on my journey can't be compared.

Maybe I can get to know you too when you feel like sharing as I have. You definitely have the skill and writing style that suits such an endeavour. That's all I'm saying ok? It's up to you.

Anyway, I'm going to my 'gathering' this morning to work on Shed stuff. Timber, not letting go I mean. lol

Thinking of you...Dizzy xoxo

[Guest_322]

Aw Dizzy,

Thank you, that was a really moving (& completely unexpected post to read). It almost made me cry at uni today. It made my day 😊

In all fairness- like many others- I get a lot out of your thread. So I benefit too.

BB has been a very unexpected, emotional ride for me ha, ha. I think that I've been searching for a home away from home my whole life- if that makes any sense. Aside from the grandma stuff, I don't have the best relationship with my parents either- it's not bad but just extremely strained, you know. I mean, I moved out at 18 for a reason, let's put it that way.

So as silly, and not to mention unabashedly cheesy as it sounds, BB is a bit like a home away from home for me sometimes (I feel the tears starting as I write this). I mean, I see bits and pieces of myself in people's stories and comments.

But above all, I respond- and I don't mean just to your thread but to other threads too- because how do I explain this? Okay, I'm going to have to use a line from a Beyoncé song (don't laugh):

...because I know how it hurts.

I'm 20 but I feel like both a 5 year old and a 50 year old at the same time. I feel very much like a child but with the heavy heart of someone much older, you know. Contradictory and illogical but, meh, it's a feeling and feelings don't have to be logical.

Thanks for the compliments. I feel like I sometimes ramble more than I write eloquently (not to mention all my typos ha, ha). My story...maybe one day.

Thanks for being you.

Dottie xxx