Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie;

For one so young, your comments of wise counsel, encouragement and empathy are beautiful; you're beautiful. I so appreciate your contributions to this service, and to me specifically.

Discovering the reasons behind my patterns of reactions and behaviour has been at times excruciating. But I figure it can't be as bad as the fear I've lived with my whole life. That's why recovery can be hell, and heaven. I always say courage is necessary on that road and for good reason. Feeling like a victim is easy, but looking in the mirror and finding acceptance and forgiveness is important too.

I've said since my break-down, I'd like to develop a personally satisfying project to add value to my community. In the beginning of this thread, I thought event planning dinner dances for over 50's was right up my alley. It still may be, but I've discovered just how valuable BB forum has been for me, and hopefully to those who read my words.

Yesterday was a lesson in humility; today I'm reaping the rewards of self insight and forgiveness and; have the opportunity to share this process for others to hopefully benefit by.

I am a work in progress after all. I'm getting to know me...as well as you.

Recognising the beauty in me, and all of you...Dizzy xoxo

[Just Sara]

I suppose this thread re the way we identify with others, or feel a reflection of their opinions, is a subject many have commented on throughout this forum; gender, sexuality, goals or lack of them, loneliness and being stuck in a cycle of depression and apathy come to mind.

Who am I? The 84 million dollar question.

Sadness, confusion, guilt, shame, dissociation (and many other emotions/feelings), the past and dread of an unknown future, cloud our sense of being 'whole' or independent.

I suppose I've chosen this thread as a sort of blog, to allow others to be privy to my journey and how I've come to my place of 'self'. It's been a hard slog and fraught with indecision and loneliness. Now that I've accepted responsibility and accountability for my own life, it does feel alien and new at times; but in the same respect, a freshness and freedom of spirit is within me too.

I'll be posting here most days. If you want to respond or ask questions, I'm happy to engage. Otherwise, read on and hopefully you'll get some idea of how I've overcome my past to forge a path into my future with grace and courage. And, not forgetting my mistakes..so valuable!

My thoughts are with you...Dizzy xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Thank you so much for your post. It really made my day 😊 And for the record, I think that you're a beautiful person yourself; it comes across in you writing.

I'm a little snowed under with uni assessments this week so will post a proper reply over the weekend 😊

Speak soon,

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Hey Dottie;

You go girl!! Hope you get high distinctions.. Thanks for the compliments..Back at ya'.

Getting to know me..

Well, it's the end of a pretty average day, although the weather was nice and was good to see the sun and feel a warm breeze on my face. Thought I'd forgotten what that felt like..

Every now and then, I'm reminded of how ill I still am. I've been dealing with Centrelink and their bureaucratic bullshit. I re-read a letter from them this morning, and after more than an hr on hold, I gave up in a burst of profanity. I hate how I can't slam the phone down. Yeah..I know..I'm giving away my age. For those who've never experienced slamming a phone down with angry pissed-offhandedness, (yep, that's a real word) it's something of adrenaline fuelled mega satisfaction. Ah..the good ole days..

Sorry, I digress, the anxiety began to rise. My chest was filled with whirring energy moving up my throat which was throbbing. I felt sick.. A combination of dread and apathy hit me hard and was the impetus to lay down. My breathing became laboured, then panic came. I could feel my whole body vibrating, and combined with slight pins and needles in my arms, I could've sworn some invasive ghost was slowly brushing over me..eerie.

Personally, it's tragic. I used to fly through letters like this with ease. Thinking how debilitating today was, it's scary. But even more scary is the thought of being placed in a work environment with other people..no control. Being 'seen' while in panic/anxiety mode would be humiliating.

As I write, it's still there. I want 'them' to watch, hear and write in their little black books as I suffer. It doesn't matter though, their tables and points rule the roost; they're off the hook.

The word 'anxiety' loses power and description from overuse. It's just a word. "Even though chronic PTSD, anxiety, depression and panic has been medically diagnosed, you may still be able to work 15-22 hrs per week in the future. The maximum 10 points has been allocated, but is short of the 20 points required to satisfy assessment criteria. You only have one permanent disability instead of the required two."

Hmm...

Do they know me? No. I'm still getting to know me.

Depleted..Dizzy xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

Thank you so much for letting us come along on your self discovery ride. I like to think of us as your travelling companions 😊

I agree with you that recovery /forgiveness/acceptance all takes guts. I think because you have to peel away the layers in order to recover and find the core of yourself, it can be a very painful process.

And when those layers are gone, you're more exposed. Sure, maybe you have become more "you" but that means you're more exposed too, which takes some getting used to. And that's why I think it takes guts. So you, Dizzy, have some hefty courage.

As for your community project aspirations, I say go for it! You're already doing it- living it- here as you said so yourself. We all appreciate your ongoing support, intelligence and wisdom on the forums. I know that I'm not the only one who has benefited from your BB presence 😊

But the over 50s dance dinners sound really good too! The social side aside, it could help bring some lonely people together. In particular, the people whose children have left home, recently widowed, etc and might be more socially isolated. The dance dinners could be both great fun, and a chance to forge meaningful friendships 😊

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

So sorry you had to deal with all the ridiculous red tape. Unfortunately the people who make up legislations, and various other rules and regulations, often just don't "get it." I think some of them are completely out of touch, and the sad part is people like you suffer from their ignorance, and strict rules and points systems.

You are the expert on you, and you know if you can deal with a work environment or not. And judging from your post, the answer is a resounding no. But tell Centrelink that 😔

I'm not sure what else to say other than this situation really sucks, and that it must be awful to hit a wall with all this red tape (on top of everything else that you're going through.)

Big virtual hug and thinking of you.

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Oh sweet Dottie;

You're a breath of fresh air! Following me on my blogging journey, has given me so much support..a voice in the darkness that hears me. You're a darling..

Your above posts have opened me up to some important issues. Dealing with red tape and goals of contributing to my community, often trigger feelings of fear and wishful thinking. (tears..) I'm still unwell. I know we say on here all the time how gentle and patient we need to be, but there are times my recovery success isn't enough.

I do acknowledge I'm not anywhere near the horrible mental mess of 2 yrs ago, but having a feeling I might actually be able to get back into the game so to speak, gives me hope; it's this that has me confused and afraid. Yes, we get challenged on our journey, that's a given. It does make the days and nights long though. Mental exhaustion..I can't run away from it.

Recovery, and helping those (of you) also in recovery, I'm finding has its limits. The temptation to stay, has been a source of personally destructive patterns during my history..relationships, employment and an addictive need to help. This is very difficult to write and accept.

Protecting me from my own lack of (helping) 'boundaries', as well as the affects of trauma and abuse, is confronting. Identifying that moment when enough has to be enough, has been a trial and error process. Feeling the need to be with people physically, and the fear of this happening may be paradoxal, but it's my world for now.

I want to talk more, but I'm so very tired and sad.

Thankyou again Dot...Dizzy xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

You sound distraught and overwhelmed. The emotional pain must be excrutiating- calling you from the inside out. I hear the exhaustion loud and clear.

I think that as much as we try to be gentle on ourselves, sometimes it's hard to put in practice. Like we want to be further along in the process than we are...doing more than we are...saying more than we are...like we (understandably) want to run before we can walk. I sometimes like to think of recovery as a bit like learning to walk again. From scratch.

But as you pointed out yourself, you're in a better head space than 2 years ago- even if it still hurts a lot and you're tired beyond words from it all.

As you once said to me on another forum, old habits die hard (I'm paraphrasing). Familiar patterns in relationships are repeated and can be hard to break- even if you try very hard. It's not a failing on your part but it's just the nature of the trauma beast. 1 step forward then 2 steps back then maybe 3 steps forward next time...

Maybe take some time out for yourself. As I often say in posts, you are your no.1 priority. Oxygen mask on self before the next person.

Right now, you're working hard on yourself, learning, trying and communicating and that's all that one can ever do.

Much love.

Dottie x

[Cornstarch]

What an awesome thread Dizzy! You have loads of personal insight. We all assume everyone does and they just don't.

There's only so much the mind/brain can do. There are lots of Buddhist meditation teachers in US that I follow and adore but this is where I find Buddhism and meditation desperately naive. It doesn't account for trauma and early childhood development. Not everyone was raised in a nurturing environment, with a deep reservoir to draw upon later in life. Some lucky folk were, and they are streets ahead of us in terms of the sorts of relationships they can have and put up with in adult life.

It's not complicated, and yet it is. With your early life, major disruption in attachment, you need a warm body.

Don't go dating any fish.

Affectionate, warm, reassuring, good communicator whatever sex they may be.

Can't wait to meet them!

xxxxxxxxxx

[Just Sara]

Hi Dottie and Corn;

You've both been very kind and wise in your responses. I'm taking it in and processing as I always do. Learning from others as well as myself is important for the long term.

Getting to know me..

One of the hardest flaws I've had to face in me, is neediness. I'm not talking about times I should've admitted myself into psychiatric care and didn't; that's neglect. I'm talking about when the child in me is crying, and takes over my sense of adultness and rationale; PTSD 101.

Actually, neglect has a place here too. I learned from my carers and role models how to treat me and care for myself. When I was really sick, (I nearly died) I was left in my bed for 2 wks without the ability to even toilet myself and in a high temperature state of delusion, extreme physical pain and fear. The doctor and my parents should've taken me to intensive care, but they didn't. Theme sound familiar?

I've told the story of my disclosure (at 5 yrs old) to my mum about not feeling loved and her curt response, then her dancing around with my little sister mocking me; another theme.

I survived the most catastrophic birth 3.5 months early living in a humid crib for over 2 months. I wasn't touched except to be fed, bathed, changed and medically attended to..I nearly died. I'd never been touched by my mother and didn't know 'what I was' in relationship to nurses etc darting around me. This is the dissociation and alienation I've spoken of re my 'existence'. Theme 3..being in a bubble.

Crying out for (human) love, touch, care and identity. Themes, patterns and beliefs...trying to understand and acknowledge still being here.

I've only mentioned 3 themes, but there are so many, many more. I've been told by people; "You're such a survivor, I'd never be able to deal with that." I've lived through more tragedy than anyone I know or have heard of. After my 'bubble' I returned home as a healthy baby and thrived..then they took me away (I remember every second of that day at 20 mnths old) and my cycle began.

That's why 'hope' scares the bejesus out of me. Thriving and surviving, then rejection, being sent away, and more trauma has been my life. Now that I 'exist', what next?

Dizzy xoxo