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Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?
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Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:
Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;
Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me
Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.
Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby
How i feel now:
Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet
How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?
If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.
Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?
I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.
I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.
I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.
Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.
I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.
Thanks for reading
cmf x
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I hope he chokes on his dinner while he puts on his fake smile & says "that's good. How is she?"
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Also,if he wants to talk to my relatives like nothing happened so will I. Me saying hi to his sis that everything that went down is between me & him. Nothing to do with her & doesn't involve her so I will be nice to her.
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It also shows him that although my issues were with sis, I can be put that aside & make an effort to be nice to her. I re read the letter I gave him after we broke up. I spelt it all out to him. The way he let me blame sis when it was HIM not wanting to change things. I acknowledged it was not her fault,it was HIS. The fact I was bold enough to knock on her door & say hi shows HE is the big issue. HE is the one I want nothing to do with.
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Knowing them, esp him & his ego, probably thought I wanted to know about him but I had no interest in asking about him. She still talks to her ex's sister & he still talk to his ex wife's brother.
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It's disgusting how he could say all those intimate things to me yet they meant nothing. He was saying them to me but wanting to keep options open so he could day them to someone else?
Its Funny how when we split & I messaged his sis said she would always be happy to hear from me. Not sure how happy she was yesterday. I know she was with a client & i caught her off guard but she looked a bit shocked haha. Possibly cos I look different too, and really happy. I'm sure she's asked if he's seen me last few months cos she knew we had lunch now & then. Wouldnt surprise me if he told her i wanted to get back together (which i didn't) & i got upset cos he said no? Wonder if he told her i told him where to go? That's why it was good to knock on her door & be so happy. Make them confused. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall last night 😂. I'm sure he spun some bs. I'm sure she would have told him about my longer hair ( he loved it longer but hasn't seen it wavy/curly) . I hope it got him curious & reminded him what I think of him.
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Haaaa, fly on the wall alright , wouldn't that be interesting eh.
Popping in on her like that must've taken a certain kinda something for sure don't think l would've known what to do in that one probably would've avoided it all together ha ha.
Don't get how someone spins the stuff he did later on either under the circumstances, what a load of crap, really. He was getting cocky thinking he';d just say all the right things there'd be no complaints and of he;d go.
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Mind you, think he prob sort of meant a lot of it but as you say at the same time though if he knew he wasn't sticking round then you don't go acting like that especially with you.
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I do think he meant it too but you're right, I'm the last person he should be saying it to under the circumstances. Then again, he is clueless and yes, he wanted what HE wanted whiit suited him. Just like everything else.
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Don't know why but it all still consumes my thoughts. Yes I do think he loves my eyes & smile. He was attracted in the past when he didn't realise it was me. He probably does think I'm amazing & the best person he knows. So why take advantage? What made him think it was ok? Did he not think he'd hurt me enough over the years? He admitted the way he treated me throughout the 5 years was not ok. Why don't again? How self centred can a person be? I still cannot wrap my head around it.
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Ah cm , don't too hard on yourself eh , it was a huge 5yrs of your life with someone. We can't just walk off and be like none of it even happened that'd just be unnatural and faking it head in sand, prob what he's doing atm.
To me , l'll work through whatever l need to until l'm done.