Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

It's exactly what he'd be doing. Walking around like nothing. I still have his number in my phone but I removed the name & left it at M. I think I even need to change that.  5 years is alot. His wife's affair was 5 years & he didn't know.  How?  Yeah, I might need to change the M in my phone.

[CMF]

Did it. Changed it to X so it's bottom of the list & his name not a part of me. I have a couple more things to get rid of tomorrow.  My card reader said I will bump into him. Maybe sis was the 1st step. I was hoping not to see her but saw her car when we arrived. She walked a client to reception but did not enter reception area. I wasn't sure if she knew we were coming & purposely avoided us but it wasn't the case. I was nervous about her seeing us, hence why I made that move. She has dominated too much of my life. It was time for me to be in control of the situation. I remember the times I'd be at his place & be happy she wasn't there. Then I'd hear her car come up the driveway & my anxiety would start.  They kiss each other & she'd takeover. I'd fade into the background. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. 

[CMF]

Maybe she did know we were coming so didn't come into waiting room? I do think she would have been curious to see me though seeing as she always had to stick her nose in. Who cares. I hope my relative sees him at church soon & asks how I am. Will be funny if it's today seeing as I just saw his sis. My card reader did say there were lots of things around him that are memories of me. His bedroom is one as I redecorated it for him. Wonder if he got sis to redo it?  I bought him a hand held power cleaner once. He uses it to clean his bike & other things . He always said it was the best gift I'd ever given him. Some gifts were personalised or had engraving but I noticed long ago he didn't use them. I also gave him a bathrobe with his name embroided. Wonder if he still uses it? Some nice linen shirts & summer shorts. Probably doesn't remember they're from me. He wears a gold chain with a cross & his dad's wedding ring on it. I had it soldered before he went os as the clasp was broken. I wonder if he remembers that? We were worried it wouldn't get done on time & I actually left work early to get it so he'd have it os as I knew it was important to him. Would be funny if it broke like mine did when he was away. I don't think he's sentimental enough to think or care about these things. Would be funny if he had a new girl in the bedroom I redecorated & she commented she liked it 😂. Anyway, wouldn't surprise me if sis couldn't wait to get in there & re do it seeing as she was desperate to he a part of it when I did. I can't believe she thought it involved her. I can't believe when I took annual leave & suggested we could go interstate over school holidays to visit his cousin, whom I really got along with, sis jumped in & said we could all do the road trip in her new car. I had to remind him I took annual leave for US not us & her. She really thought it was ok to involve herself in everything we did.  OMG thank God I'm out of it all. I hope he gets lots of reminders of me.

[CMF]

Just read something where a person returned gifts they were given as the relationship for them wasn't about objects but about tine & effort. It was necessary to help them heal. I really like that concept. I'll get rid of the last few things I have today.

[quirkywords]

Cmf

it is interesting with gifts and what they mean. When a partner gives one a gift then often mentions how much it cost or that one is not using it or says how grateful one  should be, it takes away from the pleasure of the gift. Time and effort are important 

[CMF]

His gifts were always lovely as were the Sunday lunches at wineries but he told me once he did the lunches more for me, to take me somewhere nice. It was all materialistic with him.  To him a nice drive/lunch once a week was all  he thought was required. I pointed out in the end you can't sustain/grow by going out once a week. He admitted when we split that he should have wanted to see me during the week but he didn't, yet in that 6 months he was coming over whenever he could furing the week...and not telling anyone. Yes I didn't want people to know as I didn't want the interference but also,  he was ok sneaking around on his family cos he didn't want them to see what he knew he was doing. Using me. He had to maintain his "great guy" image while he acted like a sleazy jerk. If only people knew the real him. I don't know how no one questioned how we survived on just Sunday's. I guess when you make them big it hides the little things that aren't right. God I hate him. I think I'd love to bump into him just to show him. It was fun seeing sis with a big smile on my face. Letting her see how happy I was & they I wasn't intimidated by her. Hope he loved hearing about it.

The last of the gifts go today. Little miss has a few things but she wants to keep them ie a kite, an apron with her name embroided, a few games etc.

[CMF]

I feel sad & a little anxious today. Something at work is bugging me. It's been bugging me a while however something was said at a meeting last week that did not sit well with me & I don't know where it came from od what prompted it. I feel like I don't really fit in with my team & it upsets me. I'm also sad about M I think. Don't know why cos I know I'm happier & I can't see how it would have lasted now bur tbhbi think I am just hurting. I know there are worst things but I just can't let it all go. I can't believe that after all the things he loved about me I was worth nothing but a 1 word response in the end. Something just is not finished. 

[CMF]

After what his wife did to him, you'd think he'd be more careful with how he treats others. Especially me the only person he says knows how to love him or some bs like that.  I really hope he has some human decency & feels some remorse for how it ended. Unfortunately I doubt it.

[CMF]

...and he's such a liar. When we split he said he was happy with a casual weekend thing but I wanted more. He said he didn't think he wanted a  "marriage type" relationship, but I never said I wanted that. So in that 6 months he had exactly what he said he wanted as the reason for breaking up only to tell me he wanted options. He tried to make it look like he was breaking up cos I wanted more & he didn't. It was all a cover up to make me feel better, like it was him but then when he had what he said he wanted he wanted something different. He was caught out BIG TIME spinning bs to make himself look good & I told him so. I told him nothing he says can be believed.  I can believe how fake he is. He is very skilled at manipulating things so he's not lying but also not completely honest & he does it with everyone so that he is liked & can tell people he's a great guy. 

[CMF]

...and to top it off, before he went os he had no doubts about us. He had wanted me to go too. It all changed in the blink of an eye when he had a "great time". He didn't know I wad gonna surprise him at the airport. They flew in around 11pm. In fact, sis arranged it. I'd told M I'd see him the next day & he was offended! So he realised os he didn't miss me but he was offended when he thought I wasn't gonna see him till next day. He ignored my heartfelt 5year anniversary message but still expected me to jump thru hoops for him. How big is his ego? He really expected that I was always gonna be like his little puppy dog, can't live without him while he was deciding he wanted different things. What a self centred jerk.