Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

quirkywords · ‎16-10-2023

CMF people who have know self awareness or interest in improving themselves are hard work in a relationship . I have lived eithbdonrone like thst for ten years . I am talking about my partner but the fact m has missed and nit seen many obvious things shows a lack of personal insight.

I know you are sad but I admire how you are strong and determined to be treated with respect.

CMF · ‎16-10-2023

It's been 3 weeks since we split & 4 weeks since he returned. I thought he would have caught up with his closest friends by now. He hasn't. I message one couple tonight to tell them I love them & I'll miss them. They had no idea so I called to explain. They are so sad. The husband actually said 'don't tell me he did that to her AGAIN'. We had a good chat. She agreed she couldn't have tolerated having a sis there all the time & that since she's been there they felt they were intruding when they went over. She agreed he sweeps things under the carpet & not a great communicator. She hates the one word respnses. Nice to know he treats others like that too. She agreed he worships his sis but can't possibly want to just live with her. She agreed he has a marriage type set up even though he refuses to see it. She said the holiday is not reality & the grass is not greener. She completely understood why I was confused & upset. Her hubby spoke to M on the phone today but M had his son with him & didn't mention anything. Her hubby is pretty deep on his conversations with M. Guess that'll be an interesting chat or maybe M will brush it off, like everything. She said he may be very lost at the moment. He's stopped teaching after 30 years, not sure what he's gonna do to earn enough to pay the bills & put food on the table. He is just in his own world ignoring the reality of his life.

CMF · ‎16-10-2023

She said his actions don't match his words & he probably won't talk to anyone much about it. She also saw how his relationship withbhis sis was a bit much. I Revlon when we started dating. We both had 2 kids in high school. He was always pushing them to do homework. Maybe hard to come over during the week then...or maybe I'm making excuses again. His friend said he always needs someone there to talk to but he didn't talk to me much. We could sit in silence. He may have lost his identity a bit now. For 30 years he's been Mr ....' the school teacher. What now? I told her I'm worried about him but then again he has sis there, doesn't need me. She thinks he's a bit guarded with sis. Coukd be right. Anyway, his friend has a 5yo daughter who loves me. She cried alot when they told her. We said we'd stay in touch.

randomxx · ‎16-10-2023

Ya see there ya go , it hasn't been you all along , you've been right . About him and the weird sis thing , he's ways and rug sweeps , l mean everything she's said is spot on and it's all through all stuff you've told here for yrs now.

As for not catching up with them yet well like l was thinking ealier, l doubt very much he'd be out having a good time at all and he probably hasn't felt like seeing people atm , or giving them the news either.

l think he'll be really feeling this too cm and prob feeling very pissed off at himself too.

CMF · ‎17-10-2023

I hope he's passed too but we'll never know cos he'll play Mr Happy, hiding his feelings & saying everything's great. I told his friend I've been putting on the Happy face & she said don't. She said feel how you need to feel & don't pretend. Her hubby popped into M's when we had our first date. I was there as he wanted me to meet his boys so his friend met me from the very start. He knows our story & he's deep like me I believe. There's another thing. M & I went out for the first time after 30 years & he wanted me to meet his boys already. Considered us back together straight away. Shows how impulsive he is, talking about living together all the time. Then he goes on a holiday, has a 'great time' & bang! It all changes & doesn't know what he wants or why he does this. His friend said I may look back & realise he did me a favour.

CMF · ‎17-10-2023

Maybe he realised he took his wife for granted. Maybe he's trying to work out why she cheated & left. If he was fulfilling all her needs would she di that? He said she took care of everything, he didn't have to change his lifestyle much. He did say if we had married 30 years ago he'd have taken me for granted. It's just who he is. Now he let's sis do everything. Difference is she wants to baby him. Who is he now? He's not that teacher all the kids love. He's not getting that attention & validation from work. He's not in the staff room making everyone coffee everyday. He's not in the car park talking to all the parents. When I used to complain about my colleagues constantly asking me questions he used to say 'you love it'. I didn't love it. It's what HE loves. The attention, the need to be needed & wanted, feel valid & important. His wife cheating would have taken that away but sis filled it for him & I was there for the extra bits that she couldn't give. He was like a kis in a toy shop with me. When he had more fun elsewhere I'm the toy that got discarded.

CMF · ‎17-10-2023

I was too real for him. We know he doesn't like reality. Even his job as a teacher was 'eutopia' to him. Everyone so nice & caring. The real world isn't like that.

CMF · ‎18-10-2023

I cried so much last night. Just cried. Don't know why. I just feel so emotional.

CMF · ‎18-10-2023

Tough day. So emotional. My colleague & one of the managers who was working with us earlier this year called to see how I was going. I burst into tears. We chatted about changes at work & M. This colleague had a terrible marriage breakup. Ex wife was abusive. He lives with his current partner but they too have broken up a couple of times, dated other people & found themselves back together. This colleague/ manager is head of our department for the whole company. He is in involved in hiring staff & is very proficient in Emotional Intelligence & reading people having studied quite alot. I told him I'm torn between hating & loving M. I want to reach out as a friend & i wanna tell him where to go. I picture him happy & having a great time. He assures me that wouldn't be the case. He said M is probably sitting at home, thinking about what he's done & what's happened. He said he can guarantee in time he's gonna miss me & realise I'm the one that got away. He agreed M has alot going on that he needs to sort out. I did reach out today. He said things are good at his end, he's been doing more jobs with his friend & enjoying it. Told him things are not good for me. Anyway he asked what's going on & asked if I wanted to catch up over coffee tomorrow. So we're gonna catch up. I did ask advice from someone else I trust who said I should reach out if I want & not to be nervous as we've known each other a long time. I do feel bit better. I'll tell him how I've been feeling. That I'm so hurt he took me for granted. I am remembering the good times though. The beautiful lunches, he called every night, the family functions. They are beautiful but also make it hard. It's just so hard 😔

quirkywords · ‎18-10-2023

Cmf

you have so many thoughts going through your mind, I am glad you talked to Ms friends and reached out to yours. There maybe more tears.

I was a teacher and It was ver real. There were gossips and backstabbing and egos and people being so competitive and nit caring at all. I don’t know many schools that are like Utopia !! Maybe bevhe was lucky but most workplaces have the good and the bad.