Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

He was lucky.  He always is. I just realised when I told him I'm not good He probably has no idea it has to do with him. 

At least he was thoughtful enough to ask if I'd like to meet over coffee. I hope our relationship helps him grow & realise his shortfalls as I do. I know he knows I don't have alot of support like him. He did say he'd always be here for me. I hope he will honour that. Now that we're not in a Rea relationship & pressure is off he may actually be better at understanding me. There's a thought. If/when we catch up for coffee moving forward it won't be shallow talk. That would be nice. Maybe he'll learn to appreciate what I have to offer.

[CMF]

We caught up for coffee. It was nice. He told me about the work he's been doing.  I told him how I've been struggling.  I had a few tears but we laughed & agreed we still want to be I'm each other's lives. He said he's dissapointed with himself for taking me for granted. Told him I wanted to send him some nasty messages.  He told me send them. Said he'd laugh cos he knows I wouldn't mean it. He asked if I have them on my phone lol. He said I can contact him anytime & that we can always catch up. He still wants my advice on things.  We don't want to lose each other. We've been through too much & know all about each other. We hugged tightly,  several times, even a little kiss. Always hard to let go. I told him it's gonna take me a while to get over this & he looks like he's over it. He said no. He misses me but hr always tries to put on a front. We both love each other so much. He had been for a ride. I commented thought he might be in cycling gear.  He said no. He wanted to go home & shower, not be smelly plus he knows I don't like the Lycra.  That was thoughtful. He actually considered my feelings. 

It was nice today 😌

[randomxx]

Hi cm.

That was interesting then , how do you feel about it all later now ?

We've talked about being friends if not together and we've been talking right through, not like usual though.

ldk for me, l want either in or out as as much as l miss her l just feel like it'll hold us both back though if we aren't actually together.

l don't feel like l'll ever switch off and start over if we stay in touch. Don't think neither of us has fully decided whether we even wanna break up yet though , l mean we did , and still are buttttt, l think we're both willing to keep trying though if we want to.

ldk.

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

I'm ok. I feel ok. He might be better as a friend lol. I can't just cut him off, it's gonna take time for me to fully recover. Also, we've known each other since 15, we've dated before, known each other over 30 years. Know all about each other. He actually said I've supported him so much. Hopefully this will make him realise. Can't just switch off from all that.  My card reader said she sees a chapter 3 for us. Maybe chapter 3 us a beautiful friendship 🙏

[quirkywords]

CMF and Rx 

is interesting looking at both of your relationships as an outsider.

CMF it sounds do lime a lovely day and the fact you know each other so well and love each other there  is a chance if you both want to for a chapter   3 that is different from chapter two with more honesty and emotion. Who knows . It looks like none of you can let go and still need some connection. Take care 

Rx I like your lasting we're both willing to keep trying though if we want to, I thing we are both willing to keep trying is the key . 

[randomxx]

Yeah understandable cm , l wasn't saying you should or shouldn't cut ties just wondering. But yeah it's hard alright and it's one thing for me to say l'd rather in my sitch but another to do it though for sure l'm not even sure l could.

Hi quirk and thanks for that and yep l fully agree and we both admire that about ea other. lt's such a big thing in any real relationship or marriage, often l think it's the crucial ingredient.

[CMF]

Hi my friends,

I feel sad tonight. He hugged me straight away today. He noticed a different ring i was wearing & my necklace. I'm happy he made the effort to go home to shower & change after his bike ride. I'm happy he aplogised again for hurting me. I'm happy he admitted he's upset with himself for taking me for granted. I'm happy he admitted he loves & misses me but puts on a front. I'm happy he's finding it hard to tell people. His nonno told him yesterday he's happy for us & wants the best for us. M didn't have the heart to tell him. His hugs tell me he loves me. I had to make a point of having to get back to work. He didn't realise the time which was good. He seemed more relaxed. I like that it was just us, no sis. He mentioned her once when we were talking about social media but that was it. I like that he's happy i want him in my life. I know he was leaving that up to me. Maybe to make him deel better but i don't mind. Our story was so beautiful.  No one can take that away. I don't want to overthink it. I don't want to worry it was too much for him. We sat in a park again, like we used to when we were 18/19. He asked where I wanted to sit. I think he's realised taking me for granted was so wrong. I don't think he'll do it again. 

[CMF]

It's nice that I can call or text anytime but it has to come from him too. It can't be me making all the effort.  I need to try not to & see if he does. He allows me to cos he feels guilty & again it makes him feel wanted but if he's got no interest on keeping in touch with Mr It's just not gonna work.

[CMF]

I feel crap again. He kept asking what else ive been up to. Not sure what he wants to hear. What can I be up to? Going out? Raging? He probably wants to hear that so he feels better. I don't know what to believe.

[CMF]

I messaged this morning,  told him appreciate I can call/text anytime but it needs to be mutual.  Effort goes both ways.  He understood. He commented my dress was nice yesterday & we had some banter which made me laugh.  I told him he's seen the dress before, just didn't appreciate it. Yep. He will realise 😔