Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

CMF · ‎20-10-2023

What would be really nice is if his sis doesn't know we've caught up. I hope he's learnt that lesson. This is me & him, not her.

quirkywords · ‎21-10-2023

I feel like you are going through an album of memories of the past 5 years through a rose lens. There are so many good memories and so much sadness.
Take care.

CMF · ‎21-10-2023

Yes definitely Quirky. Very up and down though had a good day today. Last night we were texting for a while. It was quite funny so it made me feel better. It was obvious we are both still attracted to each other. My fear is that if we don't communicate for a fee days I'll feel down again. I don't want that to happen.i also wonder if he's out having a good time. Probably not. Just my mind wandering. Texting Last night was fun

It made me laugh. I hope we continue to be like that.

randomxx · ‎21-10-2023

Hi cm.

Yaknow, l'd really like you to just try something if you have more contact with m.

Just talk , just be , and talk. No more of he should've or did or didn't or sis or any of it , just let it flow and just talk , about anything and however you two normally just talk, well as normal as it could be now under the new circumstances anyway.

Matter of fact , l'd like you to not mention any of it again not like this anyway, and just see how he reacts. mAYBE HE BRINGs some of it up himself or maybe he doesn't .

l'm worried that if you do want to stay in touch and still catch up or whatever we call it, any more of it will just push him away bc he's had 5yrs of it and his decided now that it's not for him, but he is still in touch atm so far. lt'd probably be good for both of you just just let all that go now as you aren't together, and just be , and see what happens.

randomxx · ‎21-10-2023

l know exactly what you mean.

We talked again too just today, l called her. l'm thinking l might call her every sat atm for now bc l know we both just aren't ready to give up yet , and l want to not only hear her and talk and see how she is but also have the embers remaining too atm, until we do know which way we're going for sure.

l know it prob seems a bit crazy are we or aren't wth are we doing but it's just that something happened last time l was up at hers and that was when well, it hit the fan. But later after being home again a wk or so something else came out and l realize what caused the other thing.

All clear, ahh nope, don't worry me neither.

There is more but one v big thing for me is , l still just can not for the life of me see anyone else, l just don't see it. l should if it was going to be but l don't, it's just blank, totally blank, she's the only one l see. And , l'm still getting hearts in my cards but if she's the only one that l see then that has to be about her.

Anyway , we had a beautiful talk today, probably not good if we are officially broken up , but anyway. Looks like l might be going back up to hers in Nov, well, we kind of decided today.

ldk, l'm really hoping for some clarity with that if l do.

CMF · ‎22-10-2023

Good like with your trip rx.

I like your suggestion to just be. I agree, can't keep talking about US and feelings etc. I think I just needed to last week as I'd has a rough week. Even my card reader said don't share anymore emotions for now. Talk, catch up, be friends, fall in love again. I don't know if we'll fall in love again but yeah, no more rehashing the past. Just be 🙏

randomxx · ‎22-10-2023

Morng cm. Ha , really , well that's sort of nice to hear then bc it's just something l've been thinking too when l drop in here but l didn't wanna over step.

Idk though, when we're apart now in this way or whatever, we reflect, we hurt, and we think a lot, especially if things were a bit hasty bc ldk. He was but then he goes away then he comes back like this. He's still confused, needs time to just put 2 and 2 together sort of thing in his own head now. like with you guys just talking and text the other night and just whatever's,just being, that's what happens with us too and all the goods just come out naturally and really get you both thinking.

M, the man needs to bloody think for once instead of just yeah yeah and rug sweeping.

Or somem like that.

Think l might start a thread myself, will let you know, speaking of feeling confused.

quirkywords · ‎22-10-2023

Random I like the idea of just be and talk. I ten to use conversations with partner as a tennis match trying to score points or avoid powerful shots.
I find that when their are communication problems I over compensate to try to fix things or I get critical if I am criticised.

i am going to try to be.

CMF · ‎22-10-2023

So he came over tonight. We talked, not really about US but he did say he was emotional on his way to meet me the other day & when he saw me he realised how much of an attraction he has. He hasn't been able to stop thinking about me since. He loves my smile, the way I look at him & I'm the best person he knows. He said he messaged me tonight cos he agrees. It's not just up to me. It needs to be reciprocated. Both making an effort.

He admitted he is emotionally unavailable because he was brought up to not have emotions & 'move on' when something doesn't go your way. He said his ex wife used to call him an emotional retard & he said she was right. He agreed it's probably why she did what she did. He said whilst o/s he felt sorry for her cos she's missed out on so many years of their boys growing up. They're on speaking terms now & he's relieved. It was nice to talk about it & I'm glad he's realised & admittef a few things. Guess we'll see...

quirkywords · ‎23-10-2023

CMF it is good M can talk and be so honest. That is a start. The real test after acknowledging his weaknesses is to address them and try to change. It will take time.