Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I don't think her bf cares cos she pends time with him during the week & they go away together. The issue with m & I was that I only saw him weekends & sometimes it involved her, hence my frustration. I never has much alone time with him. I pointed this out & he acknowledged I was right. I saw the penny drop & he understood why Friday nights became so hard for me. I'd hate to think the sis issue was the cause if us breaking up cos it was another argument about her that brought it on bt he said it was inevitable.  He realised his feelings whilst away &when he couldn't reply to my anniversary message he realised he couldn't give more & that he took Mr fir granted. He didn't want to keep dissapointing me cos I deserve more. He did acknowledged he caused the issue, not sis, cos he didn't spend more time with me. He only gave me weekends. I guess it took space & time away to realise. He agreed we hadn't grown. I didn't want to go on another 5 years & be in this same position. I did point all this out to him over the years but he just didn't want to see it.

[CMF]

You know what's funny? He's always saying how sis' bf is a male version of me hahaha. Guess he can enjoy being around that.

[CMF]

He's into fitness. I gained weight with, balming menopause. Especially during lockdown. I didn't feel good about the way I looked . He subtly encouraged exercise but I rejected it. He was given what I needed so I rejected what he suggested. I really think I was so unhappy I came hone from work, had dinner & plonked myself on the couch. I had no motivation for life anymore. Rejected his talk of travel, going to the gym when older etc. Kept telling him I wouldn't be around that long.  He hated that but I explained when we broke up it's cos I could see this in my future. Now I'm eating differently,  not much actually.  I do 20 mins a day on my exercise bike & some stretching/resistance exercise. It's not alot but it's a start.  I don't feel frumpy.  I'm wearing active wear today for first time in years. I feel I'm sorry of the person he wanted. Exercising, getting fitter, sporty. Everything ex wife & sis are. I wish I could have done this when with him as we woukd have had more in common but I couldn't cos of the sis thing. I didn't want to do it for him cos i felt lije i had to compete with sis for everything. I gave up. Now I'm doing it for ME. To feel better about me. I actually told him I thought he found me less attractive cos I had gained weight. He said no but I don't fully believe him. I know how he feel about fit bodies. I may have been stupid but I wasn't blind esp when sis did body building & he had to point out how fit she looked & the new shorts she bought. Eeeewww. Sick, getting excited about his sis in that way & her lapping it up. Anyway, he made me not want to do this for him so I stopped feeling good about myself. I was even uncomfortable & embarrassed for him to see me naked. Not really good for a relationship. 

[randomxx]

Ah right yeah so she still kept bf as a priority and they're still getting their time, that's a huge difference then isn't it. ln that case he might even like that she's so close to m bc he'd know where she is and that she's content and what have you when he isn't around. And it also sounds like he's pretty easy about the amount of time and pace they've been going at too bc he has his stuff too and it's also still much earlier in for them than you guys too.

On everything else yeah , unfortunately it all sounds like just even more differences sorry to say. Not only was he mr social but mr fitness and the other stuff too so it's probably just the whole combo that's finally just come to ahead really.Sometimes we think it's all be ok bc of all the things we do love too and the person so you hang in there but sadly over time things will usually start to matter .

[CMF]

Rx

You're so intelligent & insight. I was out all day as little miss had a bday party then dropped her off at her dad's for a bit. Just got home. It's 5pm & I feel blue again. I'd always be on my own now anyway cos we'd go out, he'd bring me home & off he'd go. I'm just so sad😔 

[quirkywords]

CMF I used to say if yiu want me to lose weight tell me to los e weight. Eating is all emotional for me

I think if someone says you need to exercise  that is unhelpful but if they lets go for a walk around the block etc.

i like the fact you did it for you. That is great. Rx it is good to have your point of view.

I think some people stay in unhappy relationships because the alternative seems too stressful.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky, 

Yes the alternative can be stressful.  In my situation,  I was always waiting for sis to move out to see what he/we were like without her there all the time. I thought I owed him/us that.  Maybe he was right. She made no difference to us. He would have been no different is she wasn't there but at least it may have been clearer to me earlier that he wasn't prepared to spend more time with me. Having said that , the time we did spend she wouldn't have been there. I should have seen it all alot earlier, or maybe I just didn't want to. I was ok with not seeing him weekdays (except during lockdown when were wfh). The sign were there but I didn't want to make a call without knowing for sure. I his case he had no doubts before going o/s. Being away made him realise. I'm so sad tonight.

[randomxx]

Ah cm , dunno about that but thanks all the same, and v sorry to hear it biting so much atm.

The times when you were are the worst for sure. We're lucky like that bc we couldn't develop that sort of routine but if l go past avalon airport or like right now would just really love a trip upto hers, or things and times around the house when she's here but she isn't and so l always miss them too- it all hurts one way or other. l'm lucky in one way though bc we had long stints apart too so it's so much harder in your situation .

You did see it all so don't sell yourself short eh , you were just trying to work on things and she was an intruding pain in the arse too but he just didn't make you priority often enough for her to see it either and that's what she needed and you too.

Anyway, big hug.

rx

[CMF]

Several months ago we had a big disagreement when I asked if he could live independently of his sis. He was offended by the question & told me whatever I beliveive is my reality.  I thought we were over right there. We had tickets to a show which I sent to him & told him to do what he wanted with them. He asked 'aren't we going?' He said he hoped his actions moving forward would minimise this issue.  So he really didn't see anything wrong few months ago. You're right rx,  it was a light bulb moment whilst we had time apart. The day we broke up was not planned. He stayed over, we had tickets to a movie but my necklace git tangledwhich led to more stress & having a panic attack in church made him realise he needed to say something. He said it was inevitable. If not that day, another week or so. I guess he needed to come to terms with it too. Feeling confused. Nit knowing why he does this. Admitting going o/s changes him. Knowing he was going to hurt me. Again. Realising he took me for granted. Admitting I'm the best person he knows but can't give more 😔

[CMF]

5 years together. He didn't see it till he was o/s. His wife had a 5 year affair & he didn't know. He really does not see things yeah. Oblivious.  Makes me wonder why she had thr affair,  he can't see any fault on his part.

Wow. He really doesn't see himself I think. He probably took her fir granted to. I would have left earlier if I wasn't trying to give us a chance.