Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

velvetfaerie · ‎10-01-2018

Sex ed. LOL. Ah i remember that class. Every time i heard the words "no" and "Don't" I was like WATCH ME!!!!!!!

Fear of babies made me use my brain. LOL.

These days, sadly, the internet gives unrealistic portrayals of sexual interactions. Relationships. Lots of things.

Protection GOOD LADY! Some diseases are not curable. Educate. Educate. Drop books around. LOL. Thats what my mum did knowing I was incredibly curious and loved learning.

Quercus · ‎10-01-2018

Hi everyone,

I find it weird that in the sex ed class I sat through (shudders) there was not one word about the most important topic... Consent.

My friend's 13 year old sat through her sex ed class last year and nothing has changed. Not a word about consent.

As I made a cuppa I asked her if they had talked about consent at all. I then told her what I wish my mum (or anybody!) had told me...

Noone has a right to your body. And you do not have a right to anyone elses.

So if your partner seems uncomfortable ASK! If they say they are uncomfortable CARE!

It is not ok for either party to feel pressured or guilted into something.

It is ok to say no to something. And it is ok to ask to stop.

To me CMF that lesson would have been a hell of a lot more useful than my mum putting condoms in my drawer and taking me to the GP to go on the pill. Then again I'm biased because my first boyfriend obviously hadn't learnt that lesson either.

velvetfaerie · ‎10-01-2018

Very good point Nat. Consent is my number one rule in my relationships.

**thumbs up**

CMF · ‎10-01-2018

Yeah, no sure how I am feeling about it really but I think it is because i fear being criticized. The way I see it is that if they are going to do anything they will anyway. He is over there a few times a week and often her dad is at work but he knows my son is there as he comes home for lunch. At least I know where he is rather than have him say he is at a male friends house and then sleeping at his gf's. I'd rather have the honesty.

When I asked if they had done anything he said none of my business, I asked him today if i needed to buy anything, he had no idea what I was on about. I said anything from the chemist and he looked shocked, he said 'what? No'. Apparently his dad found a packet of condoms under the bed at his house.

I'm really tired, worked in the garden today and over did it I think. Feel really tired, sore and flat. I hope my good feeling isn't leaving me. Haven't been sleeping too well either.

BballJ · ‎10-01-2018

Hi CMF,

Thank you for your amazing reply. I was taken back a bit by your generosity to help. I saw you posted in my original thread which I didn't even know where to find it and I am so thankful you dug it up as well, it is so appreciated. Also to Doolhof for your amazing comments as well. Some of the finest people I have ever met are on these forums and it is simply amazing.

I am glad you are at some peace as well CMF, it makes me smile to read that from where you have been to where you are, I want you to remember that post because you are a walking inspiration. Is little miss excited to start school?

My best,

Jay

CMF · ‎11-01-2018

Hi Jay,

i can't take credit for digging up your thread, Nat beat me to it and i too am thankful. You're taken aback by the generosity but you deserve it Jay. I worry that you feel unworthy.

Little miss is excited one day, doesn't want to go the next day. It will be i interesting. She is definitely ready. My son's anxiety is playing up, puts me on edge a little, but i may start a new thread.

CMF x

velvetfaerie · ‎11-01-2018

Being a parent sounds draining. I think you do an amazing job.

At least your son has condoms ! Shows a bit of thought there. Its a good thing. I know it is easy for me to say because he isn't my son, but, it happens to us all one day and he used his brain. Good on him. Kinda proud here 😄

Teens rarely have brains. Lets face it. Hormones, social media, popularity, bullies, adulthood P plates..... Urgh. AHHA.

I ramble. So tired. SO SO TIRED.

**hugs**

BballJ · ‎11-01-2018

Hi CMF,

I just replied on my thread back to you, so thank you once again.

I think it is understandable that she would be on and off about going. Wouldn't be easy with such a change coming. What do you think is driving your son's anxiety at the moment? Sounds like things are going well for him? Has work eased up on him?

My best,

Jay

CMF · ‎14-01-2018

Hi Jay,

Hope your weekend was ok. I'm not sure what's driving my son's anxiety. He said he only gets it when he has to go out ie catch up with friends, family, go to work, school and he has felt this way in the past but this time it's worse. He still goes out though. A few years ago he used to catch up with some friends on a regular basis. Said every time he would get anxiety. He never told me this, I had no idea. Once he is out it eases up. If he has nothing planned for the day he is ok. He still goes to friends' houses and goes out and about. Work has eased up, hopefully he'll only have 2 shifts a week maybe 1 weeknight and 1 weekend. He is worried about feeling sick when school starts so I will word up the coordinator as I did end of last year and hopefully They'll arrange for him to see the well being teacher. I was worried I did something to cause it. I've always dropped him off or picked him up or his friends parents do. If anything his dad has left him stranded and made him make his own way to places. Last year he went the city with his gf to see a movie. They ate lunch and he threw up soon after. He rang me to pick him up and I panicked as I get anxiety driving in the city. I list it a bit plus I was in the middle if something and couldn't leave it. He walked to a main st and I picked him up. I thought his gf was with him but he told her to go as she had to work and He wanted to be alone. I thought it was my fault because of my reaction or gst he felt abandoned but he said it's been happening for years. When he usd to go to his dad's he would often come home sick, sore stomach. I'm not sure what the trigger is. I asked if something has happpened when he was out one time he said no. Despite this he still goes out and stays at friends' houses. I get anxious thinking about it. Even my older daughter gets anxiety if she has to eat out at a restaurant. It's strange. She hides it from her dad Cos he doesn't understand anxiety. She puts on a brave face in front if him cos it's with him she eats out mainly.

I don't want my kids to struggle too with anxiety like I do.

CMF · ‎15-01-2018

This morning I was woken by a loud thump. I thought I must have been dreaming, I woke with a fright. I looked out the window when I got up , thought maybe someone had thrown a rock at my car, everything looked fine.when I walked out the front door to go out I noticed something on the seat on my verandah. It was a dead bird. It had flown into my bedroom window, hence the loud thump. I felt so sick. I don't like birds too much and dead ones freak me out. I felt sick all day, kept thinking of the thud and seeing the bird. I could barely eat today. I've read that dead birds are a good omen, they symbolise the end of something and a new beginning. I didn't did read however that there are different meanings and if it flies into a window it could mean there will be an obstacle in your life. Of course I'm stressing about the his now. I feel sick thinking about it.