Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

CMF · ‎21-12-2017

Actually it is a bit embarrassing,he knows nothing about the property market at all. When the agent yesterday told him the asking price for the house he freaked out saying that 2 bedroom apartment in his st sold for 1/3 of the price. Kept saying he wanted to buy it. The agent told him you cannot compare a house with an apartment. I looked up the apartment, it sold 2 years ago! He says that about everything...'i wanted to buy it' and here he is still living with his parents.

I will be sure to keep things quiet again from now on. I definitely do not want him involved in me selling or buying anything. He argued with me that if you buy at auction you get 3 days cooling off. I kept telling him no, you need to pay deposit on the spot and no cooling off, challenge him, had he ever bought at an auction-no. He said he had to check that info and asked his sister. She set him straight. No idea but knows it all and will even argue with you. I was thinking about option of a bridging loan at one stage an he insisted i could have a guarantor, said of course i could. He was pressuring me to buy something i saw an get a bridging loan, said just buy it. I happened to be near a bank a popped in to ask. She looked at me absolutely no.

Gee, imagine if i was stupid enough to listen to what he says.

velvetfaerie · ‎21-12-2017

You’re a strong intelligent lady. That’s why you don’t listen to nonsense.

Positive lol - is Chrissy morning chaos at your house?

v.

CMF · ‎21-12-2017

Sort of, mainly cos I stress as I need to make a fruit platter for lunch plus try and leave house clean and little missdressed etc. other than me stressing it's not too bad.

just found out my ex husband buys clothes and shoes for his gf's kids but when my daughter asked him to top up her myki he no, said his child support covers that. He goes fishing, swimming, plays cricket, tennis with her kids and too one to the grand final but doesn't do that with his own kids. Am I wrong to find this annoying? He told his own son to get f over a bday party but spends his money on her kids. He left his family Xmas lunch at 1pm last year to get a flight interstate to be with her and her family. He left the kids with his family and took off to be with them. He kicked his own son out. I'm sure her ex husband pays child support. Why doesn't he say that is to buy clothes for her kids like he says to his own? Wish he would move interstate with them and be out of our lives. Her son tells my kids everything, he doesn't know they know. He rings hem, tells them he loves them but tells his own son where to go. My son told me he probably could change his shift and go to the bday party but after the way his dad spoke to him he won't give him the satisfaction. Also her and her kids will be there and he will be all over them.

trying not to let it get to me, not worth it. The kids will see him for what he is.

BballJ · ‎22-12-2017

Hi CMF,

Sounds like you had an eventful day to say the least. This is where I keep saying to you that you keep expending so much energy into little miss' dad, you allow him to literally drive you up the wall, if he thinks he knows all about the house market then let him say what he wants, give him the answer he wants to hear if that's what will make your life a little bit easier. He can stress you out so much more than you need to be. I certainly wouldn't involve him in any of your decisions with the house, only thing he has to be concerned about is little miss and what is happening there.

I think your son has come to realise how tough his dad is as well, if he making the decision not to change his shirt then good on him, standing up for himself to a degree. You also have every right to be annoyed that he won't do little things for his own kids but will his partners kids, especially when they tell your kids. Some people think child support is all that is needed to support kids, they need so much more than that.

I hope tomorrow is better for you,

My best,

Jay

velvetfaerie · ‎22-12-2017

I am sleep deprived and have the sillies. Just wanted to say hi.

X

CMF · ‎23-12-2017

My relaxing afternoon has just been ruined any anxiety is paying a visit. 'He" just came out on his rounds for work. Two Days Ago he asked what we were doing for xmas, told him we are going to my brothers for lunch and i am then dropping my older kids off to their dad's sisters house at about 5ish. Nothing else was said. Today he asked again. I told him again and he said he would liek to see her. He said he would like to have her for lunch. He and his parents and sister go out for an expensive fancy buffet lunch. Xmas in in 2 days, their lunch would have been booked well before today. This happens every year, they book for themselves and then 2 days before he asks me. I told him that it is already organised, she is coming with me and that she has cousins her age to play with, it is fun for her. He said that it would be nice if she went with him, said it would be good for HIM. Told him it is also good for me to come with my family,she is looking forward to seeing her cousins and vice versa. He said that is good for HER not me. Well, aren't her best interest the most important thing? He kept asking what time i am leaving my brothers and told him he can pick her up and take her to their house in the evening as they will still be together ie he lives with his parents. He kept saying that it would be nice i she had lunch with them, not go later and i pointed out that is silly as i will be home on my own at night and she won't get to see my family but he will be with his family at night, i won't. He kept going on about it, telling me I was wrong. we didn't say much else but he wished my older kids a merry xmas and siad to me have a merry xmas whatever you are doing. I', going to my brothers, thats what im doing. When thigns settled i told him that in future he should organise things earlier, maybe my family could do dinner sometimes, he said they never will (speaking for my family???) and that it is easy to do 2 luches, he could drop her off at my brothers after he has finished. told him that won't work as i need to leave about 4, by the time they finish lunch and dawdle the way they do it will get too late. I know what they are like, they don't eat and go m they hang around walk around the complex I know he will not be thinking he has to get her to me plus he has no car so he would have to bring his parents home first so would have to wait till they are ready to leave. I know he would not get there in time. I will be waiting for him and then running late.

CMF · ‎23-12-2017

I hate him right now, trying to stuff everything up when to suit him. After last xmas we didn't see or hear from him for 4 months, not even for her bday and now he wants to turn up here and just insist on things with no consideration of what others are doing. He has lunch with his parents and sister. 4 people. My family is about 20 people, bigger, my nephews and nieces have to get to inlaws, it is harder to coordinate. Why can't the 4 of them change their plans to dinner in the future if they really want little miss there? I suggested my family could work around it but he didn't. He has been renovating that house all year, been too busy to even take her to see his parents for an hour but he has had time to catch up with his friends. He has told me about it, went visit a friend and spent 12 hours there. All about HIM. The excuse for not taking her to his parents is 'the house'. They live 3 streets away, he lives there too but he has made no effort. He has taken her once in 12 months after they went to the beach and she was asking to come home.

I know he wants to spend time with his daughter at xmas, now she is older she is more important, and I think he is regretting the time he has lost. I have no problem with that and i made a suggestion that accommodates everyone by him taking her to his parents in the evening but it was not good enough for him, he wanted her there at lunch, he had to try and change it all and stuff up my day 2 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. How dare he. He later agreed it is nice for her to see her cousins etc and i pointed out yes it is but if he organise ahead of time perhaps we can work something out in future.

He has put a dampener on my xmas, just like he does every occasion that has ever meant anything to me.

He also mentioned the scar from her open heart surgery at 5 weeks old. He said it is a big scar for what they did which he considers a 'simple procedure' only because it is very common. It was a 6 hour open heart surgery, she was on a bypass machine. Where was he? At home having something to eat, despite me ringing, while i paced the hospital on my own for 5 of those hours. Where was he when i brought her home, on my own and had to look at the huge scar all the way down her little chest. He talks about how big the scar is now, what about how big it was when she was 5 weeks old? What about how it looked 1, 2,3 weeks after surgery? I was scared to bathe her, had to see that huge wound every time i changed and dressed her.

kanga_brumby · ‎23-12-2017

As you said CMF this should have been worked out between you and it months ago. I know what it is like with my family. We organize our get together a few months in advance so we know where it is when it is and how many. This year I didn't go my two kids did. But basically i have been band no one can be bothered contacting me to tell me where it is when what to bring. So my family can burn there turkey at least the kids saw there rellos and got some presents. Me I don't care any more. But as for him if he cannot at least organize times and places. He comes last. It's you and the children. And the children always go first. If he organized it months ago it would be a priority not two days out before the event. Yours was already planed and at this late stage STUFF IT just put your foot down tell him if he don't like it take it to court.

Peter.

CMF · ‎23-12-2017

i feel like ripping down the xmas tree. After a discussion about santa (whom we saw at out local shops today) he even argued that santa has a sled, not a sleigh. Told him the song is '...dashing through the snow on a one horse open sleigh' told him a sled and a sleigh are the same thing but he stood there and argued asking if sleigh was a verb or a noun or an adjective then he took out his phone to google it.

I don't get it?

He is the most complicated person on this earth.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

CMF · ‎23-12-2017

Easter Sunday this year he messaged me in the morning to ask if i was taking her to lunch with me. What else would i be doing with her?

I'm very agitated at the moment. She has been his daughter for nearly 5 years but only when it suits him and he thinks he can turn up when he wants and expect things will be changed to suit him.