Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Velvet, I do hope you are feeling better, i didn't realise you had a procedure. Hope you are resting and recovering ok.

Hi Jay, I did mention it to him again about the school uniform and he said yes let me know about these things so i do feel better and i did mention that i hate that i have to ask and i find it embarrassing but i can't do it all on my own. Told him I am anxious as xmas is coming and school fees will be due etc. He seemed fine with it. Today little miss had her school orientation. I was the teary one, she just walked right on in. I didn't tell 'him' about it as he sometimes goes on about schools being a waste after seeing a particular documentary but i told him today and he said i should have told him as he wants to be involved. This is a good thing, he should be involved but i struggle with the negativity that he comes out with, hence the reason I didn't want him there. I also didn't want it to throw her out as she is not used to it. I did tell him that once she starts he can learn what to do so he can help with pickup and drop off, especially if i am working and he has days off. It may also make him realise that living across town is not a great idea if he want to be involved in her life like he says he does. I used to work for a bank and before that in retail. I hated the bank so i don't know what i will do now as I need to work around school hours. I'll just apply for lots of things and hopefully get something. The way i feel atm if someone walked in and offered me the right money for my house i think i would sign on the spot.

I'm very, very drained. Tonight I have my older daughters' performing arts concert and i am looking forward to hit. He is looking after little miss so hopefully i can sit back and enjoy.

Hope your day was ok.

[velvetfaerie]

Rest?

AHAHAHAHA

XXX

[velvetfaerie]

Hey CMF,

I am nearly finished for the day at work anyway. Figured I would reply of your thread. I have told them to communicate with me !! Or next time I will just do what I need to without consideration of them and their work schedules. Plus instead of gossiping about why I am making mistakes, ask me direct. I am EXHAUSTED thats why I am making mistakes.

Tomorrow if I still feel like this I am not going in.

I am also cranky as done limited exercise this week due to procedure and exhaustion. WARGH!

Peh.

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Sorry that your anxious today, I know Christmas is a tough time of year for some but maybe if you haven't already, maybe make a list of the stuff you need to buy and cross them off one by one, having some sort of checklist I think can organise things in your mind and as you cross each one the relief should also come into play. I imagine in your head you are thinking a million things about what to buy and just calculating the dollars, if you write each item down with a price, then work on it, it is only the 5th so you still have 20 days left.

Was little miss happy with the school orientation? It is good he wants to be involved and I think he is taking the right steps, remember he has to work around you guys, not the other way around.

How was your older daughters performing arts concert? Hope it all went well.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

OMG at this moment I am the proudest mum on the planet. The Performing Arts concert was great as always. My daughter plays flute in the college band and her music class sang. To see her having fun and the compliments she receives from the principal and other teachers is amazing. Next year she wants to join the guitar ensemble as well and the teacher in charge would love to have her on board. He was also thoughtful enough to check she wasn't over comitting herself with her music but it's all good. Little miss walked into her school and just got right into it today, she has told her brother and sister and dad about her uniform and showed off her school bag. She is so proud and so am I. My son is doing ok and I can see him getting into his school work. One of his friends is without a phone ATM so he has lent him his old one. I'm proud of his generosity and helping his friend out.

Velvet, take the day off. They need to learn to be more understanding. You're too good for them and to them. Look after you.

Jay, yes a list is good. I do have one sort of and yes it is only the 5th. I don't have too much more to buy but you're right, I am thinking a million things and calculating dollars. One step at a time. A couple of friends have ordered 7 of my terrariums as gifts for school teachers for their kids' grade 6 graduation. Our girls all went to primary school together, Now their second ones are finishing primary school. They confirmed today so that will come in handy. My family is doing kk this year so I only need to buy one gift, that helps. There was confusion as my sister already Xmas shopped and I felt bad she had bought individual gifts but we sorted it out today and it's all good. Another thing off my mind. I mentioned about not knowing what to do next year and my nephew said he has an idea. He works for himself and we have spoken about me helping out if/when he gets busier. Anyway he is coming over Sunday for my son's bday so who knows, maybe something there.

What a day. I'm exhausted and it's only Tuesday! I'm still on a high from the concert.

[velvetfaerie]

HEHe proud mum 😁

Glad you sound happy albeit knackered.

I got home today and passed out on my bed for two hours. My bird woke me up. 😆

Back to sleep now. 💋

[CMF]

Oh gosh,

yes I'm very proud but I can't do it. I'm not going to get through xmas and the bills. Not feeling good today, absolutely exhausted and cannot function. Feeling defeated.

[CMF]

I am seriously suffocating here, just drowning. I have just received a letter form my daughter's school re her instrumental lessons. The lat 2 years they have offered a scholarship how ow we need to move to a fee oaying program. I just cannot do this, every little bit is adding up and taking it's toll on me. Her teacher did word her up on this and has warned the office that it may be too much for some parents in which case they may offer the scholarship again. Why today? School finishes in 2 days, xmas is in 2 weeks, i feel i am just getting hammered here and i am so exhausted i cannot even think straight. What gets me is her father could afford it but will insist on paying half each as he feels he does so much already. It's embarrassing to have to tell the school i can't afford it. I just feel sick in the stomach. Of course have not heard for the RE agent, who knows if he even rang those 'interested' clients. The house and garden is a mess, i can't even clean it up even if people did want to look at it. It is too close to xmas too anyway. I just need to suck it up and ride it out till next year.

I'm drowning, I can't take anymore.

[velvetfaerie]

I’m ok just tender and annoyed I haven’t exercised in 3 days.

Hopefully you find a way CMF. It always comes in piles before Christmas. Bills, cruddy human behaviour, etc etc. I’ve just shaken this crud off. I’m hoping you find the strength to do so as well, even if for the now.

I just accidentally made my man thing tear up. 😑

I’m tired and sore and over everything as well. He kisses me looks into my eyes and tells me he loves me. Lovely really. So I screw up my face. ***face palm*** he gets upset. I can be totally tactless at times. 😑😑😑

V and velvetsnorts

[CMF]

I'm tired, confused, disorientated.

I just can't do anymore.