Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

H Jay,

I'm glad you have a distraction from your anxiety and hope it gives you a bit of a break from it.

The 'party' with my other kids was good. We had a pink icing cake and i had some candles with fairies on them in my collection. Little miss decorated her cake with them and we sang happy birthday.. My older daughter had a present for her which she loved. It was so nice to sit around the table with all my children, everyone feeling happy. At kinder they have a playdough cake. She couldn't wait to get to kinder to tell her friends she is now 4 like them! It was quite funny, as here teacher was lighting the candles she was counting them, just to make sure there were 4.

I think the best thing was that when she woke up this morning out of the blue she said to me ' I had the bestest birthday ever!' I can't ask for more than that.

cmf

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

That is amazing and that is all you can really ask for... those 6 words "I had the bestest birthday every"... I am so happy to read that she said that to you because validation can come from anyone and it doesn't have to be a partner or adult for that matter, your child can validate you and that is what you're daughter did, it's as if she knew saying it would make you smile and very happy.

I am sure that made your day a heck of a lot more special as well.

Keep going, you are a great mother.

My best,

Jay

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

CMF's 4 Year old Daughter said: " I had the bestest birthday ever!' "

I think her mum is a sensational mum.

Nice1 CMF 🙂 x

[CJs_mum]

Hehehe oh so cute!!! I'm sure she had an awesome three birthdays- lucky little lady 🙂 I know she would have really enjoyed the cake with pink icing! Yum!! So glad you were able to do something nice. And. Eat of all-which is what she'll remember- You were there. 🙂

thats all that matters 😄

bloofy good on you!! Keep going! Keep being strong. Your kids obviously know you love them and that's all that matters. Keep that attitude. He'll either wake up and see something's missing or he won't but it isn't your problem. Look after you, beautiful lady and your gorgeous kids- that's all that matters

[CMF]

Thank you my friends,

Your kind words mean the world to me. You have all said such lovely things about me, well it takes one to know one 😉

Cmf x

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

MarkJT BballJ and CJsMum (and everyone else) mean it and so do I

We can spot a good mum at 1000ft.....;-)

I hope you have some of the peace that you truly deserve

Paul x

PS: Rain and beautiful cool weather on its way....YAY! Still mid 20's in the sthn subs.....still, Queensland people are doing it hard so I will stop my whining about Melbourne's humid summer...Doh!

[CMF]

Thx Paul,

Yes, much cooler tonight thank goodness but do not envy those up north. I pulled out some of my warmer clothes for the next few days. I've forgotten what 18 degrees feels like.

I've been more open about the little one's dad of late ie I don't smile and act like everything is ok anymore. I'm tired of putting on the happy face. I have told my sister that we have not heard from him for 3 months and if friends/people ask i tell them the truth now. Covering it up and playing 'happy families' just does not work for me anymore. I'm no longer ashamed to tell people how I have been treated. I am not a failure because of my situation. I'm going to make decisions based on what works for me and my children, i'm not going to consider someone who is not even around. A friend lent me a book 'Assertiveness for Earth Angels'. It's a great read so I have started a thread on 'Good reads'. This book has helped me realise that it is not ok to be treated the way we are in toxic relationships and he fits almost every category of toxic people. I need to accept that I am on my own and cannot depend on him, i need to work around this. When he was around he used to tell me to work around things. This was a red flag that he didn't want to be depended on (light bulb moment just now). There have been many red flags, I just chose not to admit they were there, always covering up what the real situation was.

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

I think that's one thing that is tough, having to walk around pretending to be a happy family when everything is not happy is really hard and just adds this weight to your shoulders that would feel unbearable overtime as it has. I guess telling people as well and not having to cover for your ex would be some what of a pain reliever as well. It also sounds like a healing process for you and your mind too.. admitting out loud what you already knew in your head can help majorly for your peace of mind.

My best,

Jay

[blondguy]

Hi CMF and thanks Jay for your huge heart and wisdom too

I did see your new thread about "Assertiveness for Earth Angels". The book sounds great. I might have a sticky on the Google machine

You are spot on with not playing happy families with friends/people. Absolutely! Like Jay said it only adds extra weight to your shoulders that you shouldnt have to carry.

The 'happy face' is essential for the children as you know. Your health is paramount now as well as the children. Kids have a brain like a sponge and will pick up on any bad vibe you have for 'him'

I can hear your pain in between your words CMF. You are hurting and have very right to be after being in a toxic relationship.

You are not a failure because of your situation in any way shape of form. You are way too strong to be a 'victim'

You mentioned " I need to accept that I am on my own and cannot depend on him, i need to work around this"

If I may ask you cmf, do you have anyone that can help you 'work around' this?

you wont be alone here cmf....thats what I do know 🙂

my kindest

Paul

[CMF]

Paul, Jay,

The happy face is always on for the kids, yes. My older daughter always asks if i have seen 'him' and how 'he' is. i just tell her ys, he is good, just busy. She asked if he came for her bday and i just said yes. She is not silly, both my other kids i'm pretty sure know he hasn't been around. They comment they haven't seen him for ages.

True, I do not consider myself a' victim'

Do i have anyone who can help me 'work around' things? I have a brother and sister. my brother and his family are always away or busy, don't see them too much. My sister will help if I ask but she does not live close by and I don't like to bother people anyway, so i guess I just do what i can on my own.

You're right Paul, I'm not alone here :-). What a wonderful place this is. Everyone here is important to me.

cmf x