Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

My little girl celebrated her 4th bday with only me pretty much. My sister did come by but i think she just felt sorry for us as she originally said she would give her present next week. There is nothing on next week so i don't understand what that was about. Didn't hear from her dad. I don't want to hear from him in fact if i never saw him again it would suit me just fine, but it just makes it all the more disappointing to really see now what sort of 'person' he is.

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

Happy Birthday for your little 4 year old. What a great age 🙂

I understand you are in pain right now but 'he' doesnt really matter........seriously

Your sister was interesting with popping in and vaporising after saying she will have a present next week? Thats a classic!

Paulxo

[CMF]

Thx Paul,

i didn't even get her a nice cake as there was no one to celebrate with. She chose one in the supermarket which was pretty average and we had some cupcakes. She loved the presents she got and I kept asking if she had a nice bday, she said she did. Her dad is just...I don't even know what he is. It's not just the fact about her bday it's just everything he has done. Last year we celebrated her bday on Easter Sunday as we were out for lunch anyway but he didn't even tell his family it was her bday. I'm worried if she is invited to a party by her kinder friend, which I think she will be, she may realise she didn't have anything for her bday.

i don't even want to think about it. Who is he? What is he?

[blondguy]

I hear you...loud and clear...

a supermarket cake could have been like Christmas for her.....thats the beauty of kids...they dont think in 'dollars' and whether or not you or I baked the cake

I know there is no comparison to what your situation is...I just need you to imagine a scenario....

My daughter was 18 months old.....when her mum and I split up....

I was refused any contact at all for 8 months.......(for no reason except for hatred)

How would you feel? My soul was destroyed. I cried and cried...it was awful. Then I had to go legal....ugh!

I know 'he' gives you the shits...no worries there....I just thought I would ask you how you would feel about having 8 months with zero contact with your daughter. Not comparing at all CMF....just envious

you are one of the lucky ones (just my humble opinion)

To answer your last question.......he is 'irrelevant'

I think you are a legend for making your daughters' day. You should be very proud after what you have been thru

Paulxo

[CMF]

Thx a Paul,

you always have such kind words. I had typed more but deleted it. I don't want to keep thinking in circles.

cmf x

[Guest_322]

Hi lovely CMF,

Sorry, I have to admit that I haven't read your thread in its entirety but I noticed your more recent posts.

Your daughter's father sounds very distant and uninvolved- you must feel sad for your daughter's sake.

About the birthday cake, cake is cake to a kid. I'm sure she was speaking the truth when she said she enjoyed her birthday.

As for your fears that she will attend a friend's party and feel as though she has been "missing out" (I could be wrong but I'm assuming that's what you were getting at), I would think maybe she will just have a good time there. Like, she'll probably have fun at friends' party and not necessarily compare it to her own party with you.

For argument's sake, if she does attend a party and ends up asking/wanting one like that for her next birthday, I'm sure you'll do your best with your budget, resources and time. And your best effort is good enough (even if you don't feel that way).

Hopefully she'll appreciate your efforts once again, and in a worst case scenario- though I hope not- that she feels as though she is missing out, she'll appreciate it when she's older.

The same way that I didn't quite "understand" the concept of homemade gifts or $2 shop presents from my friends when I was a kid. In fact, I turned my nose up and preferred the more expensive gifts.

But now that I'm not a child anymore, I realise that the homemade gifts and $2 shop presents were probably worth more; people who can't afford to give but who still try to give is worth more than a person who can give simply because luck and finances has it that they can afford to do it. Hopefully what I'm saying makes sense.

And I would say half the battle of being a parent is simply being present. It's not about the parties or the gifts (although they are a fun bonus) but it's about being there. Take it from someone who knows what it's like having emotionally unavailable parents. You're an awesome mum!

Dottie xxx

[CJs_mum]

Mark thank you thank you thank you !!!!! The idea that everyone has speed humps - how could I forget that no ones path is straight, easy and everyone recovers quickly with a simple fix.....i just made part one of a long post about how i can't find that "quick fix" that everyone else seems to be finding, that works for them.
I won't bother posting the rest of it as you've just made me realise I'm not "special" or alone in the crazy speed-bumpy road. Dips, falls, trips, slips, slides and stops happen on the path, and its ok.

Thank you!!!
Please everyone keep up the good work and know you are NOT alone. The path will lead to some good things and people and we will eventually find some better things, feelings and people too...taking focus away from the problem like throwing ourselves into work, music, study or turning it into something else creative, positive, better, fun will help along that bumpy path.

[CJs_mum]

hi single mum here with the father having no contact.
I hear you there. We've been through that and now happily on the other side of it. My daughter is 8 and understands dad won't be there at birthdays.
Her father has been sending gifts in the mail for the last 3 years, which is awesome.
The year before last it upset my daughter that he'd send something in the mail instead of actually talking with her or seeing her/letting me drop her off to his house or something. She doesn't remember him now.
I don't have his number as he changes it regularly and my crappy phone doesn't charge anyway lol so even if she was allowed to call him, we couldn't.

My fault for having anxiety really...long story there, but I understand. We've had the "party for two and party for four (my parents were home), we've had the father not show up and the father who couldn't come due to his family commitments. That's ok. I'll credit him however: he came for her 1st birthday party when he had a wedding to go to. That was sweet. I just wished our communication was better so we knew - we couldn't change our plans for him and he only spent about 10 minutes with her actually talking or holding her....again we could have done something better there.
Ah well. Maybe you can have a special time with her next week. Maybe you could go visit some family/friends/have a play date or go see a movie or to the cuddly animal farm or whatever she likes - just a special time with her. I know she'll remember you did something for her anyway - which is awesome!!

[CMF]

Hi Dottie and CJ's mum,

Thanks for reading my thread and sharing you thoughts. I really appreciate it. I guess at 4 little miss still doesn't know any different. in fact, she was quite good about noone being here, i was he one upset lol. Tonight we will sing happy bday again when my older kids get back from their dad's so we bought a sponge cake with pink icing and i made a big deal about it so she was really happy with that. Tomorrow i will go to her kinder before they finish and they have a playdough cake which she will decorate and everyone will sing happy bday.

Her dad has been present on and off, it is a long story and i have other threads. I don't know if he plans to really be around or not. He is an abusive narcissist as far as i am concerned, the more i think about things he has done the more i realise. Oh well, his loss. Every other year we went out with our families all together for her bday but we now haven't heard from him since xmas after he had a hissy fit and called me a f....ing disgrace just because i questioned something he was doing/saying. He just digs himself deeper and deeper into his hole and then thinks he can just walk back into our lives when he feels like it. cannot handle any responsibility at all.

One day he might realise what he missed out on, or maybe he won't...not my problem 🙂

cmf xxx

[BballJ]

Hi CMF & CJs_mum,

Both of you being single parents is never easy... you are both strong people and are doing an outstanding job... CMF in regards to your last reply to me (apologies, I wasn't on the forums for a couple of days) I am so happy your daughter had a great birthday and my honest opinion... it sounds like it was great and she loved it.. having heaps of people over isn't the be all and end all of a party.. of course it is nice but there are kids out there who may not have parents who care enough to celebrate their birthday.. you did what you could do with presents and letting her pick a cake and that is something she will cherish. You don't easily forget things like that and that will make you shine like a star in her eyes for the rest of her life.

Thank you for asking about me, I have been ok, been very busy with work and what not which honestly keeps me distracted from my anxiety. Let us know how the night went with your other kids there and the one at her kinder, sounds like she is getting many parties which is awesome.

My best,

Jay