Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

I think these forums do you well with expressing how you are feeling and having many wonderful people like Paul (blondguy) and MarkJT replying to you along the way. You're important to all of us and these forums as your advice is also greatly appreciated. Do you speak to your sister about the issue's you face and does she support you in them as well?

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

Hope you are well and enjoying your weekend. These forums definitely do me well as I can offload my feelings or concerns whenever I want. I also find writing helpful as I don't have many people who really now of my situation with 'him' and those that do I wouldn't ring to talk about it as they have their own things to deal with and i don't want to make every conversation about me.

I don't talk to my sister about it much. The reason i told her that we haven't seen or heard from him for so long is because she asked what i was doing for the little one's birthday so i figured i should just tell her what was happening instead of covering it up as i usually do. Afterall ,he and his family have discussed me and my personal business so why shouldn't i lean on my family too. At the moment i have no idea what he is telling his family. I am sure his parents would be asking if he has seen he little one. i have no idea what he would be telling them or what they must think. Unfortunately in the past his mum blamed me and said i wanted to kick him out. She made this judgment without knowing anything that was going on as he doesn't tell them. They are clueless but blame me for everything. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't tell them how he abuses me, they way he abuses them.

Does my sister support me? Well, she asks if i want help, to which i say no and that's it. We don't talk regularly, she is much older than me (18 years older) so we are not really close. No one in my family knows what I have really been through ie verbally abused my through y pregnancy, him not being around after little one was born, not being around when she was sick and the constant abuse i have endured. i always talk him up, about he helped with something etc and make him look good and myself look happy. Maybe i just don't want to hear 'i told you so' and i don't really want everyone to know as i will look stupid. Besides that, i don't see my family alot and no one has ever asked if things are ok. I guess that's why i have become a loner, sick of making up excuses for him not being around so would rather keep to myself.

cmf x

[CMF]

A few months ago there was a new regular at my local coffee shop. He is male, probably much younger than I but always cheery and happy. He sits there and works on his laptop. We always just said hello to each other but last time i saw him he asked my name introduced himself. This was back in January and i haven't seen him since. I felt a little disappointed that he just disappeared, not because I want something more to evolve- as i said he would be much younger than me-but because he is cheery and gives off positive vibes and just a nice person to be around, even if you are just sitting doing your own thing. I often wondered where he went and thought maybe God had removed him from my life for a reason. Well today i parked my car and saw a car that i thought was his. i walked into my coffee shop and there he was! I sat next to him and i got the nicest smile and a hello. He said he had a break, didn't go anywhere, just a break. We chatted briefly and i mentioned i have 2 older kids. I love people's surprise when they have only seen me with the little one and they discover i have 2 teenagers lol. Anyway we chatted a little then he went back to his work and i just sat and watched the world go by. It was nice. I find it nice to chat with a male at times, just to chat,not expecting anything. This guys is always smiling, cheery, always polite and positive- exact opposite to 'him'. he is like a breath of fresh air.

I do hope he continues to come back to the coffee shop.

cmf

[kanga_brumby]

Cmf great to hear you stepping out making friends, it's better than just siting at home feeling sorry for ones self. I hope you bump into him again. Or someone else, it would be great.

Kanga

[CMF]

Hi Kanga and thanks,

I go to my local coffee shop pretty much every day and I have met so many locals that i chat to regularly. It is nice to meet someone new though and I am a little more open to meeting new people. It is a part of me becoming myself again after being in such a toxic relationship where i had to watch everything i said and did for fear of being accused of things i hadn't done again. Even up till late last year i knew he was skeptical, even though he claimed he never thought those things. He thinks I am stupid but i caught onto a lot more then he realised, i just didn't let him know that. Actually, I think I am the only person who has actually woken up to his manipulative ways, and i have questioned him a few times which he does not like at all. It's been a long hard lesson but i have finally woken up to everything and the things he used to say and do when we were together. I only realise now how he was playing me for a fool,thought i didn't notice things. Oh well, if i am meant to see my new 'friend' again i will, it will happen.

cmf

[Guest_322]

Hi CMF,

It's lovely to see you so well supported.

I hope you don't mind if I hijacked your thread just for a few minutes- I just wanted to reach out to Jay (BballJ) and wasn't sure where else to reach him. I hope that's okay.

Jay, just a quick message to say that I think you're awesome! You seem to go posting to various people in your quiet way, which I admire.

There's a very sincere, self effacing tone in your messages that I like. You don't seem to preach or lecture but you support and gently offer suggestions- I admire that. There's a quiet intelligence in you that I like and that I think benefits BB.

Dottie x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Apologies for my delay in response once again, I read your last 3 posts.

I understand what you were saying about your sister, you put this face on because you don't like bothering people and that is so common with mental health is it incredible. More incredible is when you have to do it around your family as well so I can really see how it has built up and affected you over this time. What I like in what I read was how you have woken to everything that your ex has done, you possibly know him better than anyone including family as all the time you would of spent together.... end of the day, your peace of mind is what is most important here. You said you feel like a loner but you are not... you have us on these forums and I hope that counts for something for you.

I like that you made a friend at the coffee shop, even a smile and hello can change someone's day... it made me think of a quote I once saw... "if a baby makes eye contact with you, smile at them, don't let them know the world can be such a cold place"... I thought of this because this gentleman's simple smile and hello gave off this positive aura (hope that's how you spell it) and you felt it and that is great.

How was your weekend with the kids?

My best,

Jay

[BballJ]

Hi Dottie123,

Thank you so so much for your extremely kind words, they have made my day and night reading them, I am most appreciative of them more than you may be aware, once again thank you.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hey Jay,

I agree with Dottie, I'm glad you found her message. Have you given any more thought to becoming a Community Champ? No pressure, just letting you know we all support you.

It means alot to me to have the people on these forums so yes, alone but not alone :-).

My weekend was ok . I rearranged my bedroom and cupboard space and I got stuck into cleaning out the stuff that needs to go into the hard waste rubbish. I dropped off so many bags to op shops and finally put things on ebay. I was pretty ruthless. If it no longer serves me or i haven't used it for a long time it goes. I kept saying i'd have a garage sale but it was always talk and never eventuated. Getting rid of the clutter is such a good feeling. My older daughter has been such a great helper with the little one, keeping her occupied and watching movies with her.

I've been taking Maca root powder. It is said to increase stamina/endurance and regulate moods and hormones. Well i have been full of energy and just going non stop and my mood does seem to have improved. Amongst everything else today i managed to get some house cleaning and washing done.

My brother and sister are both going away for easter so we are all getting together this weekend instead. I'm looking forward to it. I will be home alone with the little one for easter but that's ok. I can put out the hard waste rubbish as it will be collected that next week so i will be busy.

How was your weekend?

cmf x

[Guest_322]

Hi Jay (shoutout to CMF),

I'm very pleased to hear that. You so deserved it. If BB was a school or uni, you would be the equivalent of a quiet achiever 😊

CMF, I knew you would agree with me about Jay haha.

Dottie x