Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Willlow]

Hey Lilly

I've been reading what you're going through and I'm so sorry you feel that way. You are not worthless. There is someone out there who can help you overcome your feelings. Don't end it all just because of something that's going on inside your head.

Much love, hold on. Willow x

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo and everyone who has posted .

Thank you so much for the help you have given me . You do feel like a friend and everything you say doesn’t full on deaf ears .

I phoned beyond blue last night in desperation . I didn’t respond to there email as I deleted it over fear of my family finding out how bad this is and finding the email. I just phoned the 1300 number .

I spoke to a man and explained that I had a thread on the forum and I received a email asking to provide my phone number . He asked if I was ok . I got choked up and couldn’t talk and said I had to go . Far out I can’t help myself . It was a tough night had two hour sleep . .

The reason I can’t talk to my family about this is because my family is broken . Big time .

I have a doctors appointment in a couple of days . One of two things will happen . Turn up and not come clean about my thoughts for fear of being sent to hospital or cancel and not have to talk . And know it’s just another failure . I made this appointment over a month ago after leaving hospital .

Not sure about journaling for fear of someone reading what I have written .

I do really appreciate everything you have said . And being there for me and everyone else as well .

Not sure I can continue help seeking . I feel like a part of me had died . I feel so bad

Sorry beyond blue that you had to adjust my last post. I will try and watch what I write

lilly .

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly well done for ringing the BB number and don’t be hard on yourself for not being able to talk. Sometimes when I am so emotional and overwhelmed I react in the same way. This is perfectly understandable as you are dealing with such a lot all by yourself.

I am sorry your family is ‘broken’ and unable to support you. However, I would encourage you to keep the appointment with your GP. It might be worth writing down what you want to say and take it to the appointment so that you can get across exactly what you are feeling. I have done this myself and it really helped as I didn’t know if I would be able to speak or make sense without getting too emotional.

I really like talking with you Lilly and think of you as a friend now. You have the potential to help others too because of the experiences you have endured. You are needed in this world and on these forums. There is a future for you, you matter.

With kind wishes xox

your friend Jojo 💐

[Jojo100]

Hello Lilly just saying hi. Hope you have managed to catch up on some sleep as that can really affect how you are feeling. I also hope you make it to your GP appointment and see someone in person. I wish I could go with you, but I will be there in spirit. Best wishes xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo ,

I don’t think I can go to the gp . Feeling really bad .

So depressed and anxious about it . Really what would happen anyway .?

I can’t be helped . They can’t take this feeling away that I don’t want to be around anymore .

The gp can’t change how much I hate myself .

It will just be the same thing over and over again . It will never stop .

Thankyou Jojo for everything .

You are a friend

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly please be brave and try your hardest to see your GP. She can’t make you stop hating yourself only you can do that, but she can listen and give you some much needed support. She should be able to give you some ideas how to manage your negative thoughts so that they are not so overwhelming.

You have done so well coming this far. Don’t give up now because of what’s going on in your head. Your current thoughts are faulty and not the truth about who you are.

Thinking of you xox

your friend Jojo 🌻

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly

I do not feel I can value add to what others have, however I am exactly where you have described - only differentiation is that I have been studying and working in the areas of both mental health and trauma, but I can not help myself. I like you, do not see a way out. I have lost complete hope.

I have recently been discharged from hospital (were I was forced with IO - and were requesting 3 months based on presentation, I stupidly fought this needing to hide the issue) and was supposed to be under the supervision of the CAT but due to my education level and trauma history, they have made clear they do not want to deal with me and I must seek private assistance. I like you, have been in a place of hell, unable to deal with or make the arrangements of private assistance, yet if you met me on the streets you simply would not know, however, if you look beneath the mask you will see.

I only share all this as I feel you are so similar to me. It is impossible to convey the issues, it is impossible for people to see the pain. Even to the point, they question whether that pain actually exists for you - segway here, the day before I got forcibly committed to hospital, I was told by a member of the CAT if I was going or wanted to kill myself I would have I would not be seeking help (helpful and supportive I know) - return - I feel you may have heard the words you are attention seeking? hence the dismissal of the psychiatrist.

Lilly, I ask you, do you think you could help me? do you think that knowing someone who is similar (I hope not forceably making you apply to me) is struggling very much too?

My records show this issue has been ongoing for now 11 nearly 12 years, and probably started earlier than that. Granted I stuck my head in the sand and gave up on the mental health system, I tried to fix myself, but I wound back up at despair.

I do not know what to do, but maybe we can help each other through this? Maybe that can provide us with the drive and need to keep persisting in getting help?

Maybe I have overstepped. I do hope not. I just wish I could help you, like others on here.

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly how are things today? I’m not sure what day your GP appointment is, but if it was today I hope you managed to get there and I hope it helped.

I am always here to listen if and when you feel like it.

With kind thoughts.

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly just saying hello today. How are you going? I hope you are getting some helpful support.

I am thinking of you and wish you well xox

your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo , saree_p and everyone .

Thankyou for your posts and sorry to hear about your struggles .

I cant comment on other people’s post or offer any help to other’s as I don’t think I am in any position to offer help and advice in my state of mind . I am so sorry

I went to my doctor after half hour wait . About to walk out as my anxiety was escalating and my depression was very visible to others in the waiting room . Anyway I managed to see my doctor but unable to convey just how bad this is .

She has increased my medication . Not sure about taking it though . Feeling really bad on the dose I am on.

I think this road to get better is probably lost .

This never ending battle is never going to stop know matter how much I try . I can’t live thinking about the past and I can’t live thinking about the future .

It is what it is . A non stop battle .

I hope everyone is doing better than me . I wish you all well . Thankyou again for helping .

Lilly