Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Lilly99]

Hi Paul and Jojo

Thank you for caring

I don’t have any friends or people to talk too about how I am feeling only this forum which is obviously pathetic reading back through my posts

I see other people’s courage and determination overcoming there depression and anxiety . I feel they have probably deserved to get better and I commend them on the strength they had . Including both if you .

I haven’t got the strength . I am completely hopeless about getting better and a future I can’t be a part of.

I have fought this battle for years and tried everything . I have failed myself and my family . I don’t have the strength and willpower to continue .

I wish things could have been different . But it’s not possible

Lilly

[newlife19]

Hi Lilly,

I haven't been in touch for 10 days, but have been thinking of you lots and wanted to see how you were getting on.

I see you have done some really great things to protect yourself like going to the hospital when you knew you were in danger and I am sorry the system has let you down by releasing you when you felt you weren't ready to be free.

Keep going though. Don't stop going every time you feel like you are really close to hurting yourself.

Please, please, let the Beyond Blue support team speak to you. They want to embrace you in your hurt.

Thanks to Jojo for being your guardian angel ...

And please know..... we all need you to keep talking to us... don't stop. You are not being silly.

We share this disease, we know the evil, we are the ones who understand your struggles the best... it is horrible. It truly is. But it is an ILLNESS. It's not YOU. its not who YOU ARE.

It has HIJACKED your brain and body, your thoughts and words. It is running your agenda, your appetite and it is controlling everything.

But..... we know you are still there LILY, fighting the disease, gasping for breath.... just hold on love....

we are holding your hand and won't let go.... so don't let go of ours.....

Just keep breathing love. Know that with each disease there is treatment.... you just have to find the right kind.

If the doctors you have arent treating it right.... find new ones.

And please... please.... let your family know YOU ARE SICK, ITS KILLING YOU and YOU NEED THEIR HELP.

[Jojo100]

Hello Lilly

Your posts are not pathetic they are highly relevant and completely honest about how you are feeling. You write very well. Have you ever tried journaling which is private and could help get your thoughts out even more?

I don’t know where you got the idea that you don’t deserve to get better because that is definitely wrong. We all deserve to get better and it can take time and resilience which is another good quality I can see in you.

Please keep posting Lilly as everyone on the forums wish you well and believe you are a worthwhile person. We are all here for you to listen and hold your hand and give you a hug if that helps. You are not alone.

Stay safe & keep in touch xox

From your friend Jojo

[Fallingleaves]

I can’t offer you help as everything you’ve said is so exactly how I feel... I don’t know why I’m writing this as it’s pointless since I can’t help, but I totally understand

[Fallingleaves]

I guess my kids is why I’m hanging on... trying again to get through... at some level you want to get through too that’s why you’re here...

[Croix]

Dear Lilly~

I've dropped the "99"off the end of your name here as others have done. This is becuse you have become a real person to us, not just one of a series of different people with the name Lilly.

If you look back thought your thread you will see people that care for you, they are not just lines on a screen, they - just like me and you - are real people with problems, horrible events and feelings, yet we reach out to help. Do you wonder why?

Many of us - me included - have felt that life was not "fixable", that I was worthless, not worth anyone's trouble and there was nothing to hope for.

If we felt like that now we would not encourage others to try to persevere - what would be the point? However we have in some way changed, it could be becuse of medical treatment, a change in life's circumstances, or something inside us.

Depression changes your thoughts, they did mine. They seemed authentic, convincing, my own. They narrowed everything down to worthlessness, failure, pain, guilt and a mound of problems for which there was no answer - and never could be.

I was ready to kill myself more than once, each time circumstances stopped me. Then one time I heard something - quite by chance- that made me snort with laughter. Just for a second. I was amazed. This had a funny effect, laughter was the furthest thing from my mind, in fact if asked I'd have said and believed I did not have such an ability inside me.

This let me realise there was more than depression had allowed me to believe, there was more in the world than I could see though that narrow view. There were possibilities.

My actual circumstances in life did not change till later, but those possibilities kept me going. I allowed myself to think that someday life might be bearable - or even better than that. I was able to snatch a few moments pleasure reading a children's book. As time went on this became a world I could go to where there was good people living happily, and villains getting their just deserts.

I am a different person now, I have more than I could dream of. The suicidal thoughts may come in times of pressure, but the are easy to discount, I know me, and I am more than equal to them.

There can be a change in your mind Lilly, I don't know what or how, but believe me - it can happen to you just like me. No quick fix, but hope

Until that moment comes please continue to talk - maybe even saying if there is one thing you can feel good about or enjoy, no matter how small or trivial

Croix

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly

I am just popping in to say hello and see how you are today? I notice a few more people have messaged you so you are definitely not alone and people on the forums definitely care about you.

Keep posting if and when you feel able xox

Your friend Jojo

[blondguy]

Hi Lilly (and a wave to Jojo and everyone)

I understand your pain and thank you having the strength to stick around with us too

There are many people here (me too) that are struggling with their mental health in different ways Lilly and its an exhausting and horrible place to be in for sure

You are a proactive person with your health especially considering the dark phase you have been going through Lilly

my kind thoughts and respect for you

Paul

[Lilly99]

Hi everyone ,

Thankyou all so much for your kind words and encouragement .

This is pretty hard to write because when I read about all your struggles past and present I think how could I be so self obsorbed talking about myself when everyone is in the same boat on this forum . Selfish really

I actually don’t know why I came on this forum when obviously I am not taking any advice and knocking back every suggestion .

I have lost the will to get better .

I surpose I have to ask myself the question why . Which I have recently . I guess it because of how many times I have been knocked down and had to get back up. How many times i had hope and always failed . How many times I thought things would get better and they didn’t . How many times I had help and was never helped . I have failed emotionally and personally .

I feel like I can’t get back up this time . I have been treading water for a long time about to go under . I am suffocating. I can’t take a breath . This is sole destroying and consuming everything . But I probably don’t need to tell you all that . You are all living it .

When do you say it’s enough? I know you will say never . But everyone is on there own journey through life .

Croix asked is there one small thing that I can think of that gives me pleasure . I know there are special and caring people in this world . Like all of you. But that doesn’t stop this emotional roller coaster ride that I am living . Thinking every day how will I make it to the next day . As you all know the days are very long feeling like this . And the nights even longer .

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly it’s really good to hear from you and it’s not selfish to talk about yourself because that hopefully can help clear your thoughts. (As I mentioned before you write very well and perhaps journaling would be a useful tool for you to use).

You have shared reasons why you are at this point in life and I just feel you are so brave to continue despite all the knock downs and setbacks you have had. You are an inspiration to me and I am sure to many on these forums. You are so resilient and show such tenacity.

You are travelling a rough road, but I believe you will get to solid ground. I believe in you Lilly you are a tough wee cookie tougher than you know.

If there’s anything I can do for you just let me know. For now I am going to simply sit with you awhile until you hopefully feel better or feel like sharing some more. As always take care & stay safe xox

Your friend Jojo