Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Saree_p]

Hey Lilly,

I just wanted to remind you my thoughts are still with you.

Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

Thank you and sorry .

You don’t have to answer my questions . What you tell the doctor is your business . I don’t know why I asked them. It was a moment of insanity .

.

Sorry saree

lilly

[Saree_p]

Dearest Lilly,

I am happy to answer, sorry it didn't come through my end, I was waiting for your response all night, hoping You were ok.

I will tell her. I think i have reached the point of realisation that I need to be honest about everything or I won't get the help.

I've technically been this way for 12 years now. After precious suicide attempts I tried to pull my life together, but it's been a constant struggle. I think the symptoms are getting worse. I am actually almost willing to go to hospital if needed, I just don't cope in there at all and after the useless help the CAT team have been I'd rather try and deal with privately. But I also realise I either get help or I act on suicidal thoughts. And only I can do it...

Does that help?

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I couldn’t find your thread or Saree’s today because they have moved them to Long Term Support Over The Journey.

I am glad you made it through the night. I did stay up awhile last night too. Are the days easier than the nights for you?

It would be so good if you could do what Saree is doing and take a written note to your GP. Just share what you feel comfortable with. Maybe enquire if a change of medication would be worth a try?

As I mentioned before, there are quieter times at the GP when the waiting room is practically empty and this might suit you better?

Thinking of you & take care xox

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo ,

Sorry for keeping you up last night. I did post but wasn’t seen until morning .

I have a appointment with the doctor Wednesday next week a longer appointment . I am not going . I just can’t do it .

.I had to see her today because I have the flu . She could see how bad I was because I couldn’t sit still I was pacing and hand wringing my anxiety escalated. .

sorry about last night Jojo. sorry for everything .

your friend Lilly 🌺

I

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Don’t be sorry about keeping me up - I make sure I get enough sleep. Very well done for seeing your GP. I am so sorry you have the flu that’s no good especially when you have asthma. Are you off work?

Please try and keep your next appointment with your GP as she is obviously willing to listen by making a longer appointment for you. Try not to worry about it until nearer the time and see how you feel then.

Make sure you stay warm and have plenty of fluids. Wish I could send you some chicken soup.

Sending you a great big hug xox

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo and saree,

Yes Jojo I am off work but back tomorrow . Today was my only day off after working 8 days straight .And I had to be sick to get it.

I feel worse on my day off . Way too much time to think and then by night I am a mess. Although when I am work my anxiety is through the roof and I am fighting my emotions all day panicky and emotional . Once I get home I crash and think about s a lot and how much that would give me peace I want that peace and not afraid of it, I am up all night on a emotional roller coaster ride . Trying to make it through every night . Far out so pathetic

I am not going back to the doctor . I feel panicky even thinking about it . Sorry Jojo and Saree.

Good luck tomorrow saree with the gp

Your friend Lilly 🌺

[Saree_p]

Dearest Lilly,

I wish I could physically hold your hand and be with you in person to help you through your doctor's appointment.

Lilly, can I ask you - considering how horrid you feel - what do you have to lose by seeking help? surely it can't get much worse?

Do you think you could do some colouring in tonight? have some music or podcast playing in the background, or a tv show, movie, documentary?

I do get how much it sucks having days off. But there is also only so much you can work before you crash. Sorry if you have answered this elsewhere, but what do you do Lilly?

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

I know it’s sounds strange and hard to understand.

Why would I choose to keep going feeling like this rather than seeking help . I am scared of being exposed . Scared of opening up . Scared of the consequences. Scared of living like this forever . Scared of being vulnerable.

So having to choose s over help is easy . I don’t have to face it .

I don’t know saree I think maybe I don’t trust it’s possible to get better. I can’t let people in . The hurt is too bad and if I have to open up and tell my story I think it would destroy me .I need to protect myself . I just can’t tell it. Seeking help is going to prolong my pain . Because i will never open up .

I know to heal and get better that’s what I would have to do . My anxiety and agitation and my whole self wouldn’t let that happen .

I am a manager. Even with my bad spelling .

Your friend Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You are definitely not pathetic you are a fighter and you battle your way through every day and night. However, s is not the answer as the fallout from that would be enormous and would leave many people completely devastated.

Like Saree I wish I could come with you to all your appointments. I think you said at one stage you used to see a community nurse. Could you do that again? They could then be that support person for you at your appointments. What do you think?

I used to have a caseworker who came with me to my appointments when I needed it which helped me enormously.

Hope your flu symptoms ease up quickly. Take extra care of yourself at this time xox

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻