Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly,

You did a wonderful job! Please do not be sorry.

Give the medication a little time to settle - hopefully it will help!

I know it doesn't seem it and it is really easy for me to say, but you did a great job going today. Please be kind to yourself.

Have you thought of writing a note for the doctor? Maybe it'll be easier to write?

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly very well done for going to your GP. I am so proud of you as I know how stressful that would have been. If I were you I would give the increase in medication a go even as a trial as it could just tip things in your favour by improving your mood and anxiety. I take 3 different medications: a mood stabiliser, an antidepressant and an antipsychotic. Getting the right balance can often take some time. However once it’s right it makes a world of difference.

You mentioned you can’t live in the past or in the future. Then why not just live for now, for today that is enough. If it is too painful to look back then don’t do it at least until you are stronger and more able. As for the future it is not written in stone although it may feel like it. You never know what’s just around the corner.

Despite your doubts there is definitely hope for you Lilly you do have a future. You do have a place in the world.

Best wishes. Stay safe & strong xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo and seree_p,

i feel so bad that you are both helping me when you are both struggling yourself’s .

I have seen your thread seree_p and you need help and I really hope you are able to get better and get the help you need . All of our life situations are different. I wish I could give you some advice but not in a good head space .

I really think it’s not possible for me to get better . I have too much going on I can’t fix. It’s hopeless . There isn’t a way out . And I can’t talk about it to get the help I need.

So pathetic and pointless

I am not going back to my doctor . And a tablet won’t stop anything either .

I realise I am negative but there isn’t any positives in my life . Just emotional sadness .

Sorry feeling really bad . It’s relentless

Thank you both . I honestly appreciate your help . Maybe I am just self destructing . Because I know I am not worthy of the help . .

Lilly

[Saree_p]

Lilly,

I know that feeling of not being worthy of help - hell I am the best person at always trying to help other but can't help or receive help myself due to this reason.

People will help because they genuinely want to! There is no reason for you to feel guilty. It may not mean much, but we think you are worth it!

I truely do wish there was a magic wand in our worlds! Random question - if you had one, what would you wish your world was?

I hope things get better for you soon, even something small.

Saree

I know its hard to see atm, but you exist for a reason, and we are glad you do.

[Jojo100]

Hello Lilly you don’t have to worry about me as I am not struggling and am very stable atm. I am happy to continue talking with you if you would like to.

You probably won’t believe me, but in the past I have also felt my life was completely pathetic and pointless. I had no friends and my family were not supportive or understanding. I couldn’t see a future for me.

I never thought my life would ever be any different, however, with help from community mental health services, medication and a good GP, that has now turned around.

It took time and involved quite a few hospital admissions too. Each time I came out of hospital I had learned a bit more about my illness and how to stay well.

Just like you Lilly I often thought about giving up, but I am so glad I didn’t because life is good again which I didn’t think was possible.

With regard to your medication it is completely up to you what you decide to do. Are you on an antidepressant?

All the very best xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo and saree,_p

I am on antidepressants Jojo .

And the answer to your question saree_p. If I had a magic wand I would heal everyone with Mental pain and make this world a safe place . I don’t feel safe

How did or do you both handle your suicidal thoughts?

I am really struggling .

Thank you both again . Sorry for being so needy .

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Hello Lilly

Sorry to hear you are still really struggling. You don’t ever have to apologise for posting - that’s what the forums are for. You say you don’t feel safe, but is there anywhere you do feel safe such as your home?

I have had suicidal thoughts on numerous occasions. I have used Lifeline who were very good. However, at my rock bottom I have always gone into hospital because I find it is a good distraction. I also find the groups they run are helpful such as art therapy, stress management, etc.

Another thing that has always kept me here is my little dog Poppy Angel. I worry what would happen to her if I wasn’t around because she is a bit timid and a huge sook and I love her to bits.

Have you ever tried art therapy Lilly? I can strongly recommend it especially if you don’t like talk therapy. I found it really helped me understand myself better and is quite a gentle way to work through issues.

Distraction is the best way to combat suicidal thoughts such as a hobby, reading, computer games, TV, listening to music - anything that will give you something else to think about. Walking outdoors is also a good idea to get some fresh air and some sunshine.

I have also been to a Day Therapy Unit which is instead of hospital. I attended week days and did groups then went home at the end of the day. This was very good, but not sure if these units are Australia wide?

Hope this helps. All the best xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly,

You're not being needy - your struggling.

Honestly Lilly, I am not managing this really well myself at the moment - so hopefully JoJo has a way better answer than me.

Previously I have kept a routine, made sure I exercise each day, make sure I go for a walk outside too. The reason for a routine was so I couldn't back out of it. It was always ok if I didn't do it well, just as long as I did it.

My other strategy was one day at a time. I would have what I had to do that day and would tick things off, once they were ticked off I would then look to the next day - what did I have to do, where did I have to be.

I had many more, but these are the two I am clinging to atm - and I will put my hand up and say it is hard.

Hope it helps somewhat - sorry can't be more helpful,

Saree

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo and saree,

Thank you both so much for your strategies. I will try and find the energy to do some of them .I have never tried art theory . And I will try and plan my day .

I am sorry saree you feel as bad as me . I wish there was something I could do to help you . I hope you are able to find help and happiness in your life .

Your dog looks really sweet Jojo I am glad you have her by your side helping you through life . It sounds like you have been through a lot .

When I went into hospital there was group theory and art theory but I never attended any of them . While I was there I couldn’t leave my room . And I couldn’t attend groups because I have agitated depression and anxiety . When I am bad I pace , hand wring , Rock, my anxiety increases and that would have been distracting to the group and embarrassing to me.

Thats why it’s hard to get help because it’s really hard to contain my emotions to get the help I need . It escalates really quickly until I can’t communicate or sit still .

I am living with constant anxiety all day . It doesn’t come and go . And also my depression is at breaking point . It’s really hard to contain it all every day . I feel like I am dying slowly emotionally . I feel panicked and sad all at the same time every minute of the day , every day. I am drowning in this nightmere called life .

Anyway I am sure you have both felt this way . And living it .

Its just hard , really hard

lilly xo

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly,

Thanks so much for what you typed. I know exactly what you described and felt my heart wrenching that you are experiencing this. I always find the times you can't talk the most difficult because it is when you want to literally scream but can't and you feel all the fight leave you.

I am sorry you feel this Lilly, I truly wish another human being never had to!

How did your night go last night?

Plans for today/night?