existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[swtpotato]

Hi all,

i am sorry for posting that in such a panic, I don’t think it was very good of me to do that.

Ive just seen my psych it was a bit intense but now feel a lot better.

Nothing worked before as I had no emotions to tell me what I wanted/needed. I crashed multiple times a day for months at a time. I stopped seeing myself as an agent in my own life.

But now I am clear, I have hardly any cfs, I can focus, I have good instincts —> i will replace all that is bad for me with things that are good for me because I have the right to and I deserve it.

Half an hour later after the anxiety attack I got myself out of the spiral, rationalised it, countered it, and breathed myself back into the moment.

Proof I can handle it if it happens again!

thanks shell for checking in I hope you are doing ok

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

You sounded so distraught. I’m glad you felt comfortable to vent. Nothing wrong with a bit of venting sometimes. I think it’s cathartic to let it out sometimes.

I’m glad you have managed to feel more settled and calmer. What a rough day for you.

Thinking of you,

Pepper xoxo

[Pysis]

Hi m

how are you? Sorry I haven't been around much I've been pretty busy.

thinking of you

Nath

[swtpotato]

Hi pepper,

Thank you. I am definitely a venter aha.

I think I can confront these issues and work out ways to improve my situation and friendships. I'm working out ways to do it. But it's always easier writing/thinking about it then actually doing it.

I can respond to your message now.

Overcomplicate everything and forget to experience: I have a tendency to find my thoughts more interesting than the present, so that I just like to think through things, imagine things, and then realise I never actually got to do anything. So I dream about everything I want, or how different scenario's will go, or just wonder about everything in life --- and then realise I didn't accomplish the things I'm dreaming about, let alone the important practical things. I think there was a point where my reality got too overwhelming to confront and I didn't want to admit that it was me who led me there in a lot of ways. So I denied my reality and got lost in my head instead. I made up that my relationship with D was better and more romantic than it was, that I was nice and friendly even though my actions and judgements said otherwise, and that my anxiety was an interesting quirk rather than debilitating and interfering with my ability to form real relationships with others. So the usual...denied I had mental health issues like many others, and that perhaps my friends were not equipped to handle it and that didn't mean they were selfish and superficial...

But you are completely right about being lonely in a crowd. I couldn't express myself properly with anyone around me and felt so stupid and different for having this completely different experience to others. So, I need more/different friends!! My psych said my staying around with some of these people is equivalent to standing in front of someone and getting slapped again and again and still expecting it to be different if I stay..

Loneliness does not come from having no people around you. But from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.

Thanks pepper, you get it.

I get to communicate the things important to me here and for that I am so grateful.

m

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[swtpotato]

hi sn,

Thanks for your advice, I think you are right. These existential thoughts will probably die down eventually once my life is more stable and consistent. It has become such a big thing because I had nothing else to distract me and everything going on when I was sick.

I just want to work them out a bit more so I can start to move on.

[Cesca1557]

hi m,
definitely feel free to vent on here as much as you want, we are all here to listen and help the best that we can.

It can be so hard when you do think about different scenarios, and go thorugh things in your head the way you want them to play out. I completely understand that feeling when you realise that what you are dreaming about are only dreams, and you have to face the fact that they are embellished versions of the truth, and sadly not reality.
Being a ruminator can be great as you do get to think things through well and have a greater understanding about certain things as you do think about them a bit. but can also be not so great as, well, you overthink things.
Its great that you have formed a rational perspective about your friends and the way they have been acting around you, and i definitely agree with your statement that you might need to look for other friends as well who dont to hurt you as much as your ones now are.

how has your day been today?

thinking of you

- c

[swtpotato]

Hi nath,

It's good to see you back. I'll reply to your thread in a moment.

I am ok besides yesterday. Before that I was actually doing great! It's a lot easier to stay in the moment and I've started to exercise again. Even though I am losing friends here I will be going back home tomorrow and I am really excited. I just have a lot of work to do when I am there but I think I can do it.

Also that guy I've been messaging said he's really excited for me to come back and wants to see me as soon as possible :))) We have a few dates planned - mostly to do with study actually.

When I come back I am going to start attempting to build my new life. I'll have to actively socialise with strangers... I find that so hard. But that's ok! I want to get to know more people everyone is interesting in their own way.

Hope you are going well

m

[startingnew]

haha nice Rant! feels good to do that sometimes doesnt it!

im really glad that you were able to work through things, youra fighter too and the determination has to come from within and it does for you. youll be ok in time, nothings an overnight fix but rather a journey we take. and you are on your way to recovering 🙂

i find the more bored i am the worse my thoughts become so i try to keep myself busy. sounds like its the same for you

[swtpotato]

Thanks sn it does feel good. It’s good to dive back into my emotions and not get too lost. You have them for a reason.

Everyone—�

i think I need some advice.

Today I’d been thinking about housemate D through the frame of trusting my instincts and feelings.

When he said goodbye today (leaving for a few weeks) he was all nice hugging me and saying he’d miss me even tho I could feel the superficiality of it. Its actually a surprise when he’s nice or pays actual attention to me as if happens so little. I felt weird and broke down as soon as he left and then the anger came back.

I’ve decided I need to confront him about how he’s made me feel the last few months when I’m back but if it goes badly worse case is our relationship gets so bad one of us has to move out.

Do you have any tips for the best way to avoid it getting out of control and getting in to an argument?

I’m worried he simply won’t accept he is at fault in anyway and that it’s all in my head he’ll say I’m not seeing clearly, get defensive and say he’s not responsible for my emotional well-being etc. he’s a genius basically, amazing debater, good at articulating thoughts with very strong opinions and never admits he’s wrong. He thinks everyone is completely responsible for themselves.

i am easily influenced bad at expressing myself and get emotional easily...

It will be very hard and there’s good reason I haven’t done it before.

i need him to know his behaviour has been cruel, and that he can’t pretend we are friends after everything, that him sleeping with me when I was so vulnerable and unable to say no - And then when we both decided to stop just completely cutting me off as a friend!! Made me feel very used and was not okay.

I’m sick of denying my anger and hurt just for his sake and making excuses for him.

What do you think? This will be very hard to do on my own.

M

[startingnew]

Hi M

I really glad your trusting your instincts and want to confront him.

I know its not easy but i think being upfront with him in telling him how his actions are affecting you and that its making you uncomfortable would be the best way esp since he thinks everyone is reaponsible for their own actions. Maybe hes not aware or is oblivious to how his actions are truley affecting you as he has the attitude of "well if she doesnt like it its not my problem" but maybe being upfront and telling it like it is might get you the response that your after.

You could meantion that if thi bf a dont improve there with you and him that one of you will need to move out.

in saying that is there anywhere you could go if things go south? Even just temporary until things ease after that or until you find another flatmate to share with in another house?

And your not on your own you have us here backing you but i understand the physical aloneness. Is there a friend you could talk to and ask them to be there with you when you tell him?