existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[Cesca1557]

hey m,
yea it definitely has its benefits and its downfalls. the anxiety it brings can be really frustrating, and (atleast in my experience) can lead to me freaking out about things that havent happened yet but i have though about in my head as they could happen. just think about things too much sometimes.

yay yay!! so glad to hear how great you have been! enjoy it and soak it all up, hopefully it will just keep getting better, or atleast remain being as great as it is at the moment.

sounds like a massive improvement then if you didnt feel uncomfortable at the party! hahah yayyy, nothing better than meeting a nice boy 🙂 have you kept in contact with him or was it just a one night thing?
definitely sounds like you are improving and making progress, so so happy you had a nice night!
try not to think too much about the future, if you enjoy spending time with him, just focus on that for the moment. you are definitely not too damaged! everyone comes with baggage, but you are clearly an incredible and kind person which is so much more important.

yes definitely will have to try to get on top of the study!

thinking of you

c

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

I hear you...you do kind of wonder how the "other half" live, well, think in this case 😉

I think personality plays a role too. It always baffles me when people talk about coping strategies and conveniently omit personality from the intervention. I think it's a little presumptuous to assume everyone will respond the exact, same way...sorry, digressing...

I hear you on how introspection can be a double edged sword. Then again, I suppose almost all characteristics are like that...

Well, I think that's the thing about depression. Our world "shrinks" and in order to survive, we have to expend whatever little energy left we have on ourselves. Maybe it's not so much about being "self absorbed" but maybe it's just our biological programming for our survival.

I'm glad you had fun at the party and felt comfortable having a one night stand. All the best with however things go with this guy. Maybe it's a one-off thing and maybe it's not...time will tell 😉

And without trivialising your feelings...while I hear you on feeling childish and damaged but that doesn't actually mean you are childish or "too damaged." Besides, show me a person without baggage...just saying'...

Also, I am rather liking your new avatar 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[Pysis]

Hi, m

how are you?

nath

[swtpotato]

hi c,

Yeah it was such a relief to not feel completely 'boxed in' for once. We've kept in contact don't really know what I'm doing I have hardly any experience with this sort of thing but it's a source of excitement and makes me feel more normal. He lives in my hometown which I am going back to in a few weeks so it's good as there's no pressure.

Just have to not get too carried away in my imagination about where this can go... trying not to have too many expectations.

Pepper: totally agree, each individual have completely different presentations of mental illness and so should be treated according to their own personality/attributes. I have been feeling like I am getting 'generic' kind of therapy which isn't very helpful.

You're right. It's like in CBT where you are taught to recognise when you attribute how you feel as being who you are. It's good to be reminded.

Thanks 🙂 It is by an artist called David Shrigley he does all sorts of cool very relatable artworks.

I'll reply more in my next post

[swtpotato]

Hi Nath!!!

So glad you are back hope your holiday went well!

I am okay. If you read a few posts back I had a pretty good week last week and am trying to build on it now but being back in melb has been kinda tricky.

Am in bed rn after sudden existential kinda anxiety attack at uni when with a friend and it's really confusing me. Depression is much better, anxiety has improved too but has also changed so that the signals that I usually look out for are all messed up and it's harder to recognise.

I think it's because my mind has lifted and expanded on meds to more clearly see the mess my depression has made of my life and the work I've got to do to move forward. Idk I just had a freak out about all the different options I could take and that I am fully responsible for everything in my life and things my emotions and thoughts have been changing so much recently I've had a little freak out again about identity, I just don't know where to go from here.

It's really strange to go not wanting to be alive/not even being able to 'live' (from chronic fatigue + depression) to suddenly being able to see what my life has been. It means I actually have to act and experience which is what I wanted but things have become more real and it's a bit overwhelming.

Triggered by being with a friend who has been distant lately, and realising that it's not just my social anxiety being irrational, like he actually is being weird and seems like he's making his own life separate from me. He was one of my only friends last year and since I came back to melb things have been tense and I thought it was just me and it's not, it's just very upsetting. There's so much change and uncertainty in our lives at this age it's a lot I don't feel up to the challenge I feel like I need to protect myself and hide away for a bit again I feel too exposed.

oh i'm just still anxious rn I know I'll calm down and the world will be less scary soon.

question to all: is there anything that I could be doing differently on bb that you may think could improve how much I get out of it??

thank you to all this place is so comforting

[Pysis]

Hi m

im so glad to hear your medication is working and your feeling a bit better. Anxiety attacks are hard and when your signals change its really hard as well you just need to learn all of your new ones but it's also good becuase it means that something has shifted for things to change.

Yeah it's been the same for me once I got on medication and I started to feel better I looked at how much I had let it controle my life and how much it had made me let people I care about down and my animals down. And yeah I've been through that freak out to about what the he'll I'm going to do, but I truely believe whatever I'm meant to do I'll end up doing so it'll be the same with you. What did your freak out about identity involve?

I know it's a bit overwhelming but it's a good thing and we are all here to help you with it all.

im sorry about your friend but if he is pushing you away maybe it's because he is struggling with something himself we never truly know what's going on in other people's lives. Yeah this time of our lives sucks a but sometimes just trying to figure out what we are doing.

um really just when you are really stressed or having a panick attack jump on here and we will help you through it the best we can.

Your very welcome m your a pretty awesome person.😃

Glad your doing better and sending love and hugs

Nath

[swtpotato]

Hey Nath,

It is good. Things are definitely much better than they have been. But I am still very sad and tense right now and it is just difficult to see the way forward but I will when it goes away. I just felt so comfortable and free when I was at home and now I've come back I've started to feel trapped again. So it must be a lot to do with my environment.

I just feel I am in a very different place to my friends and I feel like they've all moved on. We all have a pretty crap year last year and bonded over that, but now I think everyone wants to try new things, new people, new interests and I'm left behind. I don't feel very supported. I can't keep up with them. The relationships are complicated by my depression and anxiety and we haven't really established new ways of being friends since I've been back. What worked at home is I just went ahead and pretended to be a person that had everything together and was confident and attractive and it worked cause none of them had seen me when I wasn't. And also they genuinely wanted to see me which is rare to see here I realise now. So there are ways forward I just have to try them and try and be ok at going at my own pace without getting too much FOMO.

I'm really glad you are feeling more confident and in control Nath with the meds. That's so great. I think I am too just having a bit of a dip atm.

Well I was feeling confident for once after seeing that guy. But then it hit me that the things that have defined me for so long... passive, asexual, shy... all changed for a bit?? And I felt like I could be anything but by that I am also nothing. My personality has changed soo much the last couple years and also within days at a time due to my unstable moods and I just never know what's going on.

I am looking forward to the summer when I can go back home with family and hang out with long-term school friends who I love and focus on getting better. Hopefully when I come back here I'll be strong enough to shape the life that I want, and also know what that is.

Thanks nath always good to vent. Hope you feel strong enough to start working towards what you want now too 🙂

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

I'm glad you and Nath have been having a nice D&M. So many questions about identity, personality, friendship, life direction and change versus continuity in the mix. Good talk there guys 😉

I think that's one of the struggles of bonding over difficulties because if those difficulties/struggles subside then sometimes (but not always of course), you find that you actually have little in common. Just my random 2c. I think friendships- like any other relationship- continue to evolve. It's tough though...I think change is hard (even for people who tend to embrace change).

question to all: is there anything that I could be doing differently on bb that you may think could improve how much I get out of it??

Um...great question. Although I'm going to be that super annoying person who answers a question with a question (lol): I wonder what you are hoping to get out of BB?

Sorry, I'm only asking to shape my answer as best I can (so that I can hopefully help you).

Yeah, I hope when you return home in the summer that it gives you the right mental and physical space that you need.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[swtpotato]

Hi pepper,

I always like how you pick out people's insights and strengths and reflect it back to them, I always look forward to your responses.

Yeah I agree, I think that's what is happening with a few of my friendships :(. It sounds like it may have happened a bit with you too.

I am getting more confident and more energetic so hopefully soon I'll be able to actually be proactive, but only a bit at a time otherwise I'll freak out. I am feeling positive about this new psychologist even though I haven't even had an appointment yet, it's just my head is probably the clearest it has been (from last week) for maybe two years who knows, so I think I'll be able to engage more rather than continually be sad and say '..i'm not sure.., and like focus on something other than whether I'm making the right amount of eye contact ha.

Memories of that time come back and scare me still - just absolutely horrifying still hard to comprehend.

I have a creeping sense of survivor's guilt - of coming out of the chronic fatigue and mdd.

-- what do I want to get out of bb??

fair to ask another q. just asked just in case there was anything obvious.

hmmmmmmm well maybe I could try challenging myself on here to be more proactive and if I promise myself online I might actually have to do it. Otherwise I'll just lie in my bed or in a park all day and think/day dream and fall back into bad patterns. CFS got me way too used to doing nothing all day without guilt.

Otherwise I think I am getting what I want, I get to talk about myself (ha) and chat and help others.

Thanks for the q

(I promise myself I will finish the research for my field report tonight !!)

m xxx

[startingnew]

Hi M


ok so ive had to prewrite this because It is a super long post but I wanted to give you the best answer I could so this will be in either 2 or 3 parts and will let you know as I go which post im at so try not to write till all the posts are up otherwise it might not make sense


sorry I havent been here for a while. Just catching up on your posts so its taken me a little while to get up a response. Didnt want to be too behind.


So it seems like your medications are statrting to work which is a really great start. Sometimes even the small doses help just to clear the fog and be able to get on better with daily living. Try not to be too hard on yourself when you have an anxiety atatck, remember long term habits arent changed overnight and it doesn take work. Recovery is never a straight line is has squiggles that go up and down and side to side and round and round and each step you take forward gets you further along the path to ultimatly less anxiety if any at all, and being able to better manage the conditions you have.


It is extremly overwhelming when your realise how you have really been and then one day look back and go omg look how far ive come. I can see that change in you even if you cant see it yourself.
Im wondering if you can give me a few examples to things you have become less reacive to or were better able to manage the situation e.g you were able to walk through a crowded area with a little less anxiety, you felt comfortable talking to someone (can be anyone)
And the second part is can you name a few things youve noticed change about yourself e.g your more open to suggestions, going and implementing the psychologist homework.


I think an important part of recovery while looking forward is important but also realising and analyzing how far youve come along the journey since getting the correct treatment for anxiety/depression and/or other.

(post 1)