Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[Lyds]

So sad to read your posts, especially the last one. May I ask, are you comfortable talking to your parent? Can you reach out to one of them right now?

My son, who is 27, is going through a very similar situation. Thankfully, he trusts me enough to open up to me and I am trying to help. It's not always easy for people to reach out for help, nor is it easy for others to provide the help needed. However, it is unbelievably beneficial to get some of the destructive, confusing thoughts out in the open (in person or over the phone) instead of only on forums. I implore you to at least try talking to one of your parents, if that is at all possible.

I wish you all the best.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hello,

im sorry if I've been posting upsetting things. I don't have many outlets to turn to when things get really bad.

I did get the email, and I've received them in the past before as well, but I have a lot of anxiety with phone calls so I've never replied to those emails. I'm sorry...

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I'm so sorry you feel you can sympathise with me because I feel like absolute crap and wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in how I feel though x.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi Lyds,

I actually have so much trouble opening up to my parents because that's how I've been raised. In fact this is probably one of the most problematic aspects of my struggles right now since it means I have to pretend and put up a facade even at home. I do try to talk to my friends though but I know they have their own problems too so I really try to not burden them too much... but they know I've been struggling lately and have been really supportive (which the suicidal part of me hates).

Thank you for replying and caring. I wish you and your son the best of luck x.

[Lyds]

If you feel strong enough, you could try letting one of your parents know that you are struggling. You may be surprised at just how much they can help. Just sharing that with them and feeling like you can finally let your guard down may be incredibly healing for you.

Either way, of course, you need to do what you feel comfortable with.

I hope you can stop putting up a facade and can just be yourself, as you are so very worthy. From your posts, you sound like a very intelligent person, very articulate and honest. The fact that you care about your friends and don't want to burden them, makes you a kind and thoughtful person. I think your friends would be more than happy to listen and support you.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi Lyds,

I have tried to in talk to them about it in the past, and it always ends in them crying and me having to comfort them and make them feel better which is just not what I want to do when I feel like absolute garbage. So I'd rather not tell them anything to be honest. It's just too unnatural for our family, our culture to share things like that openly. And I HATE discomfort and would do anything in my power to avoid it at all costs, no matter who it's with.

Thank you for all your kind words, although I would disagree that I am any of those things. But thank you for thinking that I am all those things, I appreciate it.

- PL x

[HamSolo01]

Hey PL.

Sounds like the last few days have been pretty rough.

I empathize with you on that front.

At this very moment I am recovering from a massive depressive episode. Brought about by checking facebook. I am honestly considering deleting it. I don't need to be reminded.

But yeh..

Just know that these forums are here and that you can express whatever the hell you need to. Also, don't hesitate to contact helplines either.

I honestly can't say too much more as I am in a pretty bad way myself.

Take care!

[james1]

Hello PL,

Just checking in to see how you are going. I hope you have been able to read what others have posted and try to use their care for you to seek further help from professionals.

I did that sometimes - when I didn't care about myself, but I did care for others, I figured I could use that to go see a doctor.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey guys,

I did end up telling my parents about what's been happening. Thankfully that went far better than I thought it would (though I haven't seen my mum in person yet so idk if she's actually fine with it). I also told my GP about what's been happening and how bad the suicidal urges have been etc. and he was very, very, very non-empathetic or even sympathetic and just made me feel even worse and like I was the worst human being alive. So I was meant to see him again to get a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist and to get a mental health plan done but I don't think I'll ever go back to him. It always feels weird to me when I actually try to do things that will help me get better etc. since I feel SO guilty. Just trying to push past it I guess which hasn't been too hard since I've been in and out of sleep for about 20hrs of the day every day. Idk. Things are hard and I still want to die so bad.

Hope you guys are doing better than I am... How are you both?

- PL

[White_Rose]

Hello PL

Dropping by to see how you are managing. Great news that you talked to your family. I am a bit confused about how you told your mom but haven't seen her.

May I suggest you do go back to your GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. You will not need to see him afterwards until your referral runs out. Now that you feel more comfortable with your parents knowing how you feel it may be easier to talk to a psych. Some GPs are not meant to be counsellors and they lack empathy in some things. It's strange really because I am sure they demonstrate care for other patients with physical illnesses.

I met with my psychiatrist this morning, a lovely lady. I find it very helpful to talk with her and we have formed a good understanding of each other. It is reassuring to know there is a safe person you can talk to when everything else goes crazy. And of course the psych has no misconceptions about mental health and will not tell you to get your act together. You are actually getting your act together by regular visits to a psych, just not in the way others mean and unfortunately, not as fast as others think it should happen.

What is it that advert for shampoo used to say? "It won't happen overnight but it will happen". Hold on to that thought because it's true.

Although I have suggested you go back to the GP for a referral, if you know of another GP then swop and get a referral from him/her. I suggested the first one for convenience. It is a bit off when you get fired up to do something and run into a brick wall. It seems worse when you are in great need but that is because everything seems worse at these times.

Guilt and shame are two horrible emotions which tend to pop up when we are depressed. It seems our logical mind gets pushed into the background and the brain makes room for these feelings to have a ball. This is where you need to rain on their parade. Can't remember if I have talked about writing things down. It is very helpful to keep a record of your ups and downs, how you feel about yourself and the reasons why. Read it back the same day and then a week or so later. I think you will be surprised.

Mary