Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Good luck with the new job today PL. Let us know how it goes.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

First day was all induction stuff. Still nervous as hell but I think it went okay. Hopefully I came across decent enough to the other people and not too awkward. Getting there wasn't too bad either thankfully but getting home was a nightmare (so one of the reasons I was so nervous about the job is its location because I don't drive since I have so much anxiety when it comes to driving now even though I technically have a license). Just exhausted mentally and physically now. Idk. I know I'm coming off really spoiled and lazy and ungrateful and annoying. I'm sorry.

[HamSolo01]

Hey PL

Firstly there is no need to apologise for anything. It is your thread. You say as you please.

Sounds like you have made some sort of good start. That is progress. You dont need to do that again.

Well done !

I dont think you are spoiled at all. Or lazy.

Thats just how depression can screw with us. Our mind trolls us.

I dont have much more to say as i have been rather average of late too.

Hope the next few days are okay for you

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey Mitch,

thanks for saying I'm not spoiled or lazy. You're right that my depressed mind trolls with me but I also find it hard to believe that what it says isn't true. Everything it tells me just feels so believable to me and it makes it hard for me to not believe that I'm not an absolutely pathetic lazy disgusting stupid piece of sh*t.

idk. Everything's been really crap lately. I randomly burst out crying at my friend's house the other night and couldn't stop for ages. That hasn't happened in public/outside of my home for a while so that was embarrassing and made me feel horrible for bringing the mood down. I just want to cry all the time. Can't stop thinking about every kind of self harm and making plans and thinking about notes if you catch my drift.

Hope you've been feeling much better in the last few days.

- PL x

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

losing my mind just a little bit. i know it's my own fault things aren't getting better because i don't want to/because i'm not actively trying to recover or whatever but nights like these are so hard. every day is just a repeat of the previous day. everything is pointless. i am exhausted from pretending i'm fine (or at least fine enough to be semi-functional every day) to most people IRL. i cannot stand the thought of having to wake up tomorrow. and the next day. and the next day. yet despite all these thoughts and feelings, i still hesitate doing what i know i need to do because i'm so scared it'll fail, scared for whoever finds me first, scared of how much it'll hurt, bla bla bla bla bla. i hate myself so much for this. but i've had enough. i can't do this again tomorrow. someone give me the guts to do what i need to do please...

[james1]

Hello PL,

I'm sorry to hear you feel so afraid. That's a crappy feeling. Most of us on the forums have been there.

There are many stories here on the forums if you need to use them for inspiration. Have another read if you feel like it'll help. Ultimately it comes down to you choosing to break this endless cycle.

We will keep talking to you and giving you our support. If you have questions and concerns about how to approach things, we'll try our best to answer them. If you're feeling down and just want someone to talk to, we'll be here. But we can't give you the courage you already have. Only guide you on where to place it.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Tired of fighting my thoughts. I really just want to give up. But scared how my family and friends will be if I succeed. I know they care; almost wish they don't. May or may not have done something stupid tonight. Skipping work again. Will probably get fired. Wasting such a great opportunity I know. Just can't function properly. Can't think about anything other than different ways to hurt myself, don't want to get out of bed. Don't want to see anyone. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I give up. Can't and don't want to do this anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi PL,

We're sorry to read that you're struggling so much at the moment.  We're doing our best to support you here but need you to meet us halfway - there is a limit to how much we can do for you on an internet forum, and when you're feeling overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide we really need you to be reaching out for professional offline help instead of posting here.

Our support service will be reaching out to you by email later today and we would strongly encourage you to respond to their offer of help.

Many of our members here are also struggling with thoughts of self-harm, and reading that you "can't think about anything other than different ways to hurt myself" is very upsetting and concerning, as we can't be there in the room with you to keep you safe.

Please help us to help you by reaching out to appropriate support.  Call one of the numbers below:

beyondblue 1300 22 4636
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Lifeline 13 11 14

When the crisis has passed, we will still be here to talk with you about how you managed and to work out strategies for coping in the future.

[Username_Blank]

I completely Sympathyse with you man, I’m not kidding.