Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Sucks to hear that you didn't end up going to Canberra but I've heard the Hunter Valley is a really nice place? Although not having internet sounds horrible for me personally because I love my internet haha.

Yeah they know that I'll say no a lot and I really appreciate that they still invite me out everywhere (nearly) each time despite knowing I'll probably decline.

I love the thought of having your computer face outside and into open space rather than facing a wall. I love watching the sky and clouds outside and for any birds and stuff (but I end up getting too distracted if I face outside for studying lol). Do you have a nice view outside?

Yeah no problem with sharing what I do. So prior to ~2 weeks ago, I just had a normal hospitality semi-fast food/semi-cafe server job but I just quit that since I got a job as a research assistant at a virology lab in my uni so I'm pretty stoked that I could get a job in my field 🙂

Mentally I've been okay I guess... I've had a few low moments but nowhere near as intense as they used to be in terms of intrusive/suicidal thoughts/urges. So I guess my antidepressants are working? And of course as usual that makes me feel horrible and guilty AF. I guess I'm struggling more than usual on the body image side of stuff (which I know I haven't really talked about a lot) especially with the flu recently so I hadn't been eating because I felt so ill but now I just want to keep it going and idk. Isn't it so weird that I don't really know what I actually look like... I feel like it literally changes several times a day. Anyway. I'm rambling nonsense again...sorry...

What have you got planned in the near future that you're really looking forward to?

Hope you've been well.

- PL x

[james1]

Hey PL,

The hunter was nice but we were inside all day long, haha. Yeah, it turned out mostly okay because I was pretty exhausted every night so I just crashed.

Tbh, I don't have a nice view lol. I'm just in an apartment so I have a small courtyard, but I can see the sky and it's just...nice seeing sunlight haha. I've actually made mine a semi-standing desk now to try and encourage myself to move around more when I'm on the computer.

Oh man, that's awesome! Congratulations three times over! RA work can be really cool if you get in your field. Have you worked with your supervisor before?

Yeah that sounds pretty rough with the body image. Is it something you actually want to change? I know for me, there were things that weren't good that I didn't want to change. I had to figure out whether it was because I had other stuff I wanted to work on first, or if it was just fear. I think once I started to work on things one by one, these 'issues' didn't bother me so much anymore.

Hmm...nothing to be honest. I haven't been doing many of my hobbies recently. Still been rearranging furniture once a fortnight to try and figure out what I want. I think I've just been very busy recently so it's nice to have some down time, even if I do feel guilty for having that down time. If anything, I think I want to go ice skating or something this weekend. I've been meaning to do that for a while. You?

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

How do you make a semi-standing desk? Is it like one of those standing computer desks where you can adjust the height and use either standing or sitting?

Yeah having some down time is good especially if you've been extra busy recently. Ice-skating sounds nice though! Are you planning on going with your gf or just with some friends or alone/with fam?

Hmmm I'm not sure I have anything to look forward to in the near future either... I mean, I have a uni ball to go to at the end of Oct that I guess I'm kinda looking forward to but that's still a while away. I don't understand how people can genuinely enjoy their lives and not dread waking up everyday... Like for me, the best part of my day is always when the day ends and it's quiet and dark and I can pretend tomorrow doesn't exist and that that moment in the night will last forever... And yeah I guess there are people who dread the work week but they're usually still keen for Friday nights and the weekend. And I do prefer weekends over week days but I'd still rather not...exist...I guess. I have no clue if any of that even made sense. Sorry for the rambling... just having a rough day I guess 😕 But do you ever feel like that too? Or is that just me... Maybe it's just me 'cause I'm so lazy and unmotivated about life I guess. Idk. Sorry.

And thanks for the congrats 🙂 I have actually worked with the supervisor before and it's a really cool lab with lots of nice people but they're all so smart and it's pretty daunting... I'm only going to be there for a couple of weeks though, unless they extend that contract or something.

Hope you're well.

- PL x

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Idk why I am so inherently lazy. I just don't want to get out of bed to be honest. I don't want to wake up; I DREAD waking up. I've often thought now that it's not even that I want to die. I just want time to stop until I'm ready again. But when will I be ready, if ever? Idk. I'm just sick of this. Sick of hating everything and dreading everything and having no motivation to do anything, never being excited for anything. My doctors have always viewed my antidepressants being 'successful' when I'm no longer intensely suicidal every moment of every day but when THAT goes away, I'm always left with this. Numb, empty; a shell of a person, a shadow of a life. Surviving but never living. Idk. I'm just tired. And I'd rather not be here than be like this to be honest. Except I'm too much of a wuss to do anything about it. I'm so pathetic right? I loathe myself.

[james1]

Hey PL,

It's more just a desk that I can put a stand under the monitor to use as a standing desk, or just have a seat for an (admittedly slightly high) sitting desk.

I often just go ice skating alone. I quite like it because I find it calming.

Hey it's okay to feel crap. There will be days like that where everything is very hard and you just want the day to end, and for tomorrow to, well, not come. So I know what you mean about feeling empty but not suicidal. In many ways, it can feel even worse because you intellectually are still working and wanting more than that.

How did you feel when you found out about the RA job? I mean, let's assume these people are clever. Clearly they must've seen something good and very worthwhile in you.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Ahh, rightio, gotcha. And yeah doing something slightly mindless/something that doesn't require much thinking by yourself can be really calming for me too. My version of that is refilling these pipette tip boxes in our lab; it's just so repetitive and requires zero thinking and I just love it. Hopefully your skating session will be cathartic and do you some good 🙂

Well tbh when I set up a meeting with the lab head, I was only asking him to keep me in mind if he hears of any labs that needs RAs. And then he basically immediately said "well your timing is perfect because our lab actually needs one right now. When do you want to start?". So I was SUPER surprised when I found out I got the job and was pretty speechless!! I do think though that it's mainly/partly because I did a lot of his subjects in my undergrad (for which I got a lot of high distinctions in which is pretty decent I guess), and did my undergrad research project with him (which he said was an advantage since that meant I knew how the lab worked and already knew the people etc.). But this guy is actually amazing. He's given a lot of my friends like connections for RA jobs as well which they got straight out of graduation so he's really, really nice 🙂

Yeah I know crap days are part of life. It just feels like beyond that I guess. I just keep thinking: I'm just gonna be dreading waking up for at least 5 out of 7 days every week, every year, for the 40-50 years that I'll be a working person (assuming I live that long...) and that just sounds like hell. Idk. I can't even think straight today. It took me like 3 minutes to think of the word 'box' today when I was trying to describe it to my friend... Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...

How are you doing mentally?

Hope you're well.

- PL x

[HamSolo01]

Hey there PL

Firstly i apologise i havent been on the forums lately. Only just posting up stuff on my own as i get through my life over the past couple of weeks.

From the sound of it you are making a bit of progress in terms of employment. That's really cool. What is it you study again?

I think the job market is rough af just generally. I am in the middle of finding new jobs and its a true nightmare. Particularly when I need to gain experience but money as well. Thats life as a student hey?

I empathise with you about feeling dread and flat on most days. I trust you've heard the phrase "fake it til you make it" right? I always thought it was lame/tacky but i adopted it lately and it sort of works. It doesnt really cheer me up but it certainly gets me out of bed to do whatever it is i need to do on that day. Motivation is hard.

I've put myself back on meds as well to help me sleep so i can get through what i need each day. Are you currently on meds? (i think you mentioned them already right?)

I thought i would drop by and just say hey because i haven't been on this thread for a while. Things do indeed get better PL - my life is an example. But its a slow thing. Its for the better though i reckon. Nothing happens overnight. Its also important to remember that its okay to feel not okay. This is what depression etc does. It warps our sense of self worth and self esteem. Mainstream society says otherwise but then mainstream society can bugger off lol.

I hope you feel a bit better today. Regardless if you have plans over the weekend or not i hope you enjoy it. Just sit back and find solace in the fact that you are doing good things 🙂

[james1]

Hi PL,

Haha yeah my ex was doing a PHD and talked about that. It sounded like there's a looot of repetitive work in labs. One thing she had to do was for her own experiment. She had to have a one-second metronome on and mark, each second, whether a mouse froze or move. Each session could go on for hoourss. That's a lot of seconds!

Yeah I get what you mean. It sounds like a pretty bleak future when we look at it like that. But depression is like putting on really bleak glasses. Take them off, and the world looks like it normally is. Bright days and dark days. Put the glasses back on again, and the dark days just get darker, and even the bright days are darker.

I was watching a movie a few weeks ago called Chicken People, about people who raise chickens for show. Anyway, there was this one lady who straight up said she really struggled a while back. She didn't know what she was doing with her life and couldn't get out of bed. There was no future for her basically. What changed her life around was finding this one thing - chicken raising and grooming - to keep her busy and engaged. It was, for her, a connection to life. She didn't get it from people, but from chickens.

So I guess we all have our own paths but just because this lady was stuck in bed with nothing and no hope for the future, didn't mean the future had no hope for her. The chickens presented themselves to her as an opportunity, she took it, and she found her life again.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey HamSolo and James,

Sorry I've been missing for a bit. I've had such a hectic week and a bit at work - had to do a presentation kind of thing which still freaked and stressed me out a lot despite knowing it wasn't marked and it was totally informal and everything. I did really badly so thank God it wasn't really a "proper" presentation. And I had a meeting for a potential job when the contract for my current one runs out so that was another daunting thing. See, I've got such amazing things happening in my life but all I feel after the brief second of excitement is just fear, anxiety and so much dread. I know I just need to find my something like the lady did with the chickens James, but I'm still just really damn exhausted. And, if I'm being really honest with you guys and myself, I'm just too lazy to...well, to live, I guess... Idk. I feel like even though I'm not actively suicidal anymore, I still would rather shut myself off from the world. And doing this whole adult thing does not work well with that...

Sorry for the massive pointless, stupid, selfish rant. Thank you, though, for caring about lil irrelevant stupid me all this time.

How are you guys? Hope you're both well.

- PL x

[james1]

Hey PL,

No problem. We're here for you so you can come on whenever you feel like it.

It's okay to feel anxious and dread and afraid after these kinds of things. You're putting yourself out there and that's both admirable and scary. There's also a possible job offer which, at the time, can feel like a make or break event for your future life. Of course, we know it's not and there are always other opportunities, but at the time it's a really big deal.

The main thing to remember is that you are still giving things a go. Recovery/'Being normal' doesn't mean you don't feel sad, hopeless, anxious or afraid. What it means is you don't let it bring you all the way back down. And I can see you're really fighting that part of yourself which wants to bring you down. My psych says it's my mother's voice just on loop in my head. I've just internalised it.

So maybe you are lazy, or maybe that's also your mother's or father's voice. I'd just say that all that really matters, is what you do next.

I'm at work at the moment and I managed to forget to shave for a client meeting today. Also didn't bring the right jacket. Oops! So I'm feeling really frustrated at myself about that and pretty nervous since it's a really bad look. But I suppose people make mistakes and the person I'm meeting has probably done it too. And bugger them if not, haha.

Otherwise, I did some stuff around the house over the weekend but less than I meant to. I also didn't cook so I'll probably have to do those things tonight or tomorrow night.

How was your weekend? It was pretty windy here and then it just rained all of a sudden yesterday arvo!

James