Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

Yeah that's him. I call him Mr Rabbit or Rabbit. I'm pretty basic that way, lol.

Yeah I do still see a psych. I've tried different things like schema therapy and DBT which are the two big BPD treatments. I'm glad to hear you're are trying to understand things better and recognise that a psychologist could be a big help.

You mentioned it takes you ages to even tell your GP you're struggling more than usual. Do you know why that is the case? It sounds like you really want to move past this and be able to seek help.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Sorry it's taken a while for me to reply. I just started a new job and it's been a bit hectic and I've just gone straight to bed when I get home basically. How are you and how has your week been?

I'll be honest, seeing you say that it looks like I really want to be able to seek help set off the self-destructive side of me that thinks all I should ever do is bad things to myself and I should never want to seek help for myself because I don't deserve it. But I just generally have trouble articulating how I feel verbally. I think it's just how I've been brought up tbh, coming from quite a reserved Asian family where expressing negative emotions is basically taboo.

Hope you've been well.

-PL x

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Figured I'd just do an update here even if no one cares because I just have no one I can be honest with about how I actually feel since no one really understands...

Things have been kind of bad. I have so much hate for myself, it's hard to feel anything else. I know this isn't the right forum for this but I'm so tempted to hurt myself every night. I can't stand how I am, how I look, everything about myself. Wish I could just disappear.

Idk what I'm doing with my life... Idk why I'm still here. I'm just sad. Sad, sad, sad and so lost and so lonely.

Wow I sound so ungrateful. I wish I could just give my life to someone who wants it more than I do. I know I'm just wasting my life away and I know I'm being so unappreciative of my life... I'm sorry.

[HamSolo01]

Hey there Piertotum_Locomotor (what's the origins of that name btw?)

Sorry I haven't been responding since your first post. Life.

From the sounds of it you are in a spot of bother in regards to your moods and attitudes towards yourself. You are preaching to the converted my friend.

I empathise with the loneliness. I have experienced this is waves lately. You know what the worst part is? Knowing that it's part of depression/anxiety but it still hits you like a tonne of bricks.I also know what it is like to hate how I look. I always find things wrong with me. ALWAYS. It's like a default setting. Recently I have been very critical of my stomach not being toned. It used to be my arms (specifically biceps) because I was sick of looking like a weed. Standing at 6ft5 also means I'm slim by nature. I used to hate the way I looked. That only changed because I got lazy and put on fat which I have subsequently lost but not with muscles... it's very hard to do.

I would implore you to think about yourself in a positive light prior to focusing on your body. Sounds cheap I know but think about it this way. Acceptance comes before you look at yourself and the way you look. Not vice versa. Your self-worth should not be conditional on how you look. A blind person still values themselves regardless, they can't even see themselves.

You sound like very perceptive individual as well. This is a trait not many have. Use it to your advantage 🙂

This forum is the right forum because it's yours. You have the ability to say and vent whatever you wish.

It's important to remember that you are NEVER alone. This is a fact. Yes, it feels like it's a lie but it's true. This whole forum is evidence of that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to feel like you are alone, that's a raw feeling/emotion in your mind and it's okay to have that (you have depression after all). But simply know the fact that you are NOT alone. It's not meant to wipe away the lonesome feeling, it's just meant to co-exist with it 🙂

Whenever I have felt really really lonely (often on friday and saturday night when I have nothing to do) I remember all the other times in my life where I wasn't lonely. What is also good is distraction.

So is venting on these forums haha.

Please continue to post when you feel overwhelmed. I have been doing so for 2.5 months now and it's working wonders. I have my own thread in 'support for the long term' ("I just think I have no chance is" its name).

[james1]

Hey PL

Thank you for telling me that you feel like you should only ever do bad things to yourself, and that when I said you sounded like you were maybe starting to get away from that thinking, it came back even stronger. That sounds really frustrating and confusing to be turned one way then the next. To have both helpful moments followed by very self destructive moments. I appreciate the honesty.

I actually come from a super reserved Asian family too. In fact, one of the things I've been talking to my psych about is how she feels like I'm really afraid of my own feelings and dislike showing them. I think it's because of my upbringing where you are meant to be reserved and respectful, and so it just bottles up and I saw people really just blow off steam the wrong way. So emotions are quite scary.

But I think we're both doing something to break that unhelpful link to the forums. Your honesty to me in your first post, and your honesty in your second post as well are things that your family probably wouldn't do. It sounds like you recognise that we should be talking about our negative emotions because it's a healthy thing to do, and while there is a part of you which desperately wants to keep you trapped, there's another part which wants to break the cycle.

Thanks for asking how I have been.

Well, Friday night was a shocker. I got massively drunk and basically had a break-up, but we figured stuff out on the Saturday. Saturday night I was originally planning to stay home by myself but I made myself go to a dinner and a party and I actually really enjoyed myself, even though I was super anxious about it. So that was a very pleasant surprise.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi HamSolo,

My name is actually a Harry Potter spell haha. Professor McGonagall cast this spell in the last movie to mobilise all the statues and stuff from the castle to fight the dark wizards. I'm a bit of a HP fan as you can see.

I know that my self-worth shouldn't be based on appearances, and it wasn't always like this so logically I can turn back into that mindset I guess... But I just can't and I think I don't want to tbh because I just feel so inadequate in everything I do and I KNOW being 'thin' shouldn't be an achievement but in my head it is. I just miss being at my lowest (adult) weight. It made me feel like I was in control of myself and could will myself to do at least one thing right. I don't even know if this makes any sense because my head is such a scramble right now.

And yeah, I know logically that I have friends I can talk to, and I do to some extent. Just never to the point where it's made me feel less lonely, if that makes sense? Because they can't relate (thankfully, because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy let alone my closest friends) so I don't think I can tell them everything about why I'm upset or how I feel etc. And with the few friends who CAN relate, I don't want to trigger them with my thoughts/feelings/habits so I can't really say anything to anyone. So you're right that venting on here helps, because it really does help a little bit to unload everything because I know people on here understand what I feel to some extent.

Thanks for checking back here btw, I really appreciate it 🙂

How have you been?

- PL x

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

I'm not sure why but I would never have guessed you come from a similar background. I think it's because you're so open and insightful which, like you said, is not very common in our culture. I hope you don't take this negatively, because it really is meant to be a compliment!

Oh no... I'm really glad that you worked through the break-up with your partner though! How long have you guys been together? And I'm really proud that you went out Saturday night instead of staying in and really glad to hear you ended up having a good time!

What have you got planned for this week?

Hope you're well

- PL x

[james1]

Hey PL,

Aha thank you. I used to struggle with it a lot because I didn't feel comfortable with either culture but I suppose I'm still getting there.

Oh not long at all. 3 months, but I suppose we'd already started noticing that there would be issues, mostly surrounding my mental health, but some not. Thanks. I find we can often surprise ourselves by how much fun we have at these situations when we can push aside the mental health for a little while. In many ways, I just try to pretend I'm okay and if I'm around good people, I can have a good time. I'll be exhausted and it doesn't make the issue go away permanently, but it does help me for a while at least. I used to struggle with feeling guilty for having a good time - now I just accept it.

Just at work and tutoring on Wednesday night. Not much. I'm pretty exhausted still from the weekend and I'm meant to go to Canberra next weekend so I'll need a bit of a break during the week if I can. How about you? I read your post to Hamsolo and you mentioned you have a few friends. Do you like catching up with them much? I've been meaning to have a movie night at mine for the last year and just haven't done it, lol.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Sorry took a while to get back to you. I was really busy with work and then got sick with the flu so for the past week-ish I've just been sleeping a lot. Being sick is so not fun. How did Canberra go?

I try to catch up with my friends as much as I can I guess but they always say I'm always unavailable (which was true because whenever I had uni, I basically did nothing else) but I'm hoping now that I took time off uni I can see them more. It's still probably not as often as they'd like since they all kind of see each other a couple times a week but I can't really deal with being around people all the time I guess? They're already the people I'm most comfortable with but I just prefer to be alone...even though I get lonely far too often... Idk. I'm weird like that.

How have you been? How are things with your gf and work?

Hope you've been well.

- PL x

[james1]

Hey PL,

No problem whatsosever. Sorry to hear you've been sick.

I never ended up going to Canberra. It got rainy. But I've been in the Hunter Valley for a work conference and it's been very nice with warm weather (though we were inside). Unfortunately I didn't have any internet really which was quite surprising. Turns out the Optus coverage in the Hunter is rubbish.

That's totally okay that you don't feel like you can keep up with how often they see each other. I think if you just let them know that you want to see them regularly and to keep you in the loop, but that you'll be busy sometimes, they should be accepting of that. We all have different...tolerances 🙂

I've been pretty good thanks. I recently moved some furniture so now my computer faces the living room and out the back doors into the courtyard, rather than staring at a wall. It really improves the feel of the place and makes me less...I dunno. It helps my mood too I guess.

I don't think I ever asked...do you mind sharing what you do for work? I understand if it's a bit personal and you don't feel like it. I hope you've been feeling a bit better, mentally anyway, given the flu and all.

James