Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎15-07-2017

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎14-01-2019

Hey James,

Welcome back!! How was Korea?! Sucks to hear you're sick though 😞 sick from when you were in Korea? hope you were feeling at least a bit better for work today 😞

yeah 2019 has been meh. A lot of big spendings already so far/planned for the rest of the year so it's making me nervous lol. I'm already over this year and next year lol. On a side note, been having lots of interesting adventurous dreams that always makes me even more bummed I'm in this world and not the worlds that exist in my dreams.

just generally feel very lazy which even if they're "normal" feelings to have still makes me hate myself even more since I used to be more hardworking and less of a slug lol.

Hope you're doing well!

PL

james1 · ‎17-01-2019

Hey PL,

Yeah Korea was a lot of fun. Lots of food and drinks and just general fun to go around. Just stayed in Seoul and wandered around for a week. Nah, I think sick from the plane.

What kind of dreams?

James

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎20-01-2019

Hey James,

hard to recall the dreams now but they usually involve running around some place trying to find a bad guy or something. So basically like a general action/spy movie? With the added bonus that sometimes i can fly which is the best feeling and makes the best dreams lol.

how are you?

hope you’re keeping cool down there!! Heard it’s been crazy hot in the lower half of aus lately.

PL

james1 · ‎25-01-2019

Hello PL,

lol sounds interesting. I always have terrible dreams. 😕 I don't remember the last time I had a good dream. I think because i only ever have dreams when it's hot, and so I'm uncomfortable, and so my mind tells me a bad story.

Not been up to much on this end. Finished a disney 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle, now not sure what to do with it. i think i'll try to break it up and separate into bags to do again later, then buy a new puzzle and do that. i also want to buy a new cage for my bird since the current one is rusting.

have you been up to much?

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎31-01-2019

Hi James,

That sucks that you only ever really have bad dreams. I love sleeping because I love being in my dream worlds and I always wish I could stay in one of them forever :(.

Ooh puzzles are fun. Did you do anything on the long weekend? Stay cool down there!

been a bit hectic on my end. My dog went to the vet for a simple teeth cleaning and ended up having a million procedures done (had to have two teeth extracted, a cyst taken out of his eyelid and his anal gland cleaned which turned out to be slightly infected as well). So was busy with him a bit after his surgery. Then some of our fishes died and we’ve been getting a bigger tank set up so that’s taken a lot of time.

Work has been hectic. I messed up really badly last week that will probably end up costing the lab money so I feel really awful. Like why do I always make such stupid mistakes. I swear I haven’t even seen anyone else in the lab have mistakes let alone really stupid ones. I honestly don’t even know why I haven’t been fired yet like I feel like I’m not contributing at all to the lab except just costing them money.

Overall just really bloody tired. I still haven’t finished planning my itinerary for Europe and it’s coming up fast but I’m just too lazy and tired to do anything except lie in bed in and out of sleep whenever I have spare time. I’m scared I’m gonna be really grumpy and shitty and tired throughout the trip which will make it a bad trip. Sigh. Idk.

how are you?

PL

james1 · ‎06-02-2019

Hey PL,

Nah just stayed around the house. Didn't do much...it was pretty warm.

Oh boy that sucks. What happened to the fishes? I lost a fish too a few weeks ago. What fish do you have?

I've been okay. Got the cold now, but also got my leave for my own trip to Europe in July so I have to get around to figuring out that trip. We have to go to Scotland for the wedding, but then I'm hoping to go to Spain and Morocco for a week each or so. Dunno yet. I really want to go for longer, yet I'm also hesitant to go for a long time because it means I don't get to be around the animals at home.

Otherwise just been bumming around, doing not enough cooking and probably spending too much money lol. I just haven't got back into a good routine/habit after the holidays.

James

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎11-02-2019

Hi James,

we’re not really sure why the fishes died which is why it’s even scarier for the surviving fishes. We just have plecos mainly and had a few neon tetras but the tetras died 😞

sounds like a fun trip! Gonna be super hot for you though, Spain and Morocco in summer...

been super crazy tired cause everything is hectic. Idk how people work full time and still go out or have kids or do sport/gym etc when I can barely do part time work and going out on the weekends (not even like partying but just to like grocery shop or have dinner or whatever). Dreading next year when I have to go back to uni and I’ll have to come in everyday.

How’ve you been?

PL