Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Lol true. I still get excited every time I see a full moon though, so maybe I'm just special 😛

Just about sexuality, I sometimes wonder if it's just hard to find out what we really are without many experiences, and some of us just don't have many experiences. Instead, we just rule things out that we know we are not, and kind of have a bunch of things that maybe we are.

For example, I know I am not sexually attracted to men. I also know that I'm just an overall not really interested in sex kind of person. But that's really hard to reconcile with the other part of me that goes, dude we're full of hormones right now let's go go go, because actually all I want to do is cuddle and be surrounded by animals.

If it's hard to deal with uncertainties, then perhaps a way to view it might be to think of it in this way: sexuality labels are absolutes removed from context, but human beings are not. We live and act in contexts, and we fall on spectrums. A man who has sex with another man while incredibly drunk is not necessarily gay, even if he enjoys it. Your sexuality is probably multifaceted and you'll find out more as you go along. It's hard to summarise these things in a word, I think.

It sounds like you feel really lonely right now. May I ask if you have one really good friend who you feel like you can count on? Or a few who, together, you can have a good time with?

I'm well. Just planning for a trip to Korea in January. Never been, but I love Korean food so I'm very keen!

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Hahaha I still get excited by a full moon too!! But these super and blood moons are supposedly pretty rare and only meant to happen every 100+ years but we've had what feels like a hundred in the last couple of years alone so the feeling of rarity kinda wore off for me 😛 but I do love a normal full moon. And the night sky when the stars are all out. Could spend ages just looking up at the night sky...

With the sexuality issues, I know we fall on a spectrum and labels don't matter etc but it would just be nice to know for sure what I am I guess? The issue usually arises when I'm aroused. And in the moment, I usually kinda wanna/sometimes end up doing 'things'. But like afterwards I just feel so gross and disgusted with myself. Even more so than usual. And thinking about it when I'm not 'in the mood' also disgusts me and makes me wanna punch myself in the face and gouge my eyes out. This makes it kinda hard to even think about relationships let alone pursue one. And I know everyone's probably better off without me but sometimes I just get so lonely and I miss what I've had in the past. And I see my friends who are in love and have an SO and sometimes I just really wish I could have that again...

i used to have some friends I can kinda tell everything to, but not really anymore I guess. I don't really talk to anyone that frequently online anymore and I rarely meet up with people (outside of work). Yeah I know I'm a terrible friend. If I'm not at work, I just wanna spend all my time at home either with my dog or in bed. I just wanna be in my room by myself. Everything else feels too hard or too bothersome. God I'm so pathetic and such a shit friend right?

wow Korea! Really working on crossing off all the Asian countries hey? I've never been myself but my mum has and she says everything is super spicy everywhere haha. When are you planning on going? Who with?

how are you?? How's the weather been down there?

PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

May I make a quick suggested rewrite?

You wrote: "And I know everyone's probably better off without me but sometimes I just get so lonely and I miss what I've had in the past"

If you were describing someone else, how would you feel about this rewrite:

"And I think everyone's probably better off without me because I sometimes just get so lonely and I miss what I've had in the past."

What if the issue was not you, but was loneliness, and that loneliness is self-fulfilling?

It's a rhetorical question of course, but worth just putting it out there, because it may have some truth to it (or it may not).

Also, "God I'm so pathetic and such a shit friend right?" Nope. I just spent my birthday on my own and not replying to people's birthday messages. I have my reasons, as do you, and I don't think I'm pathetic and a shit friend, so why should I think the same of you?

Going for a week in early January with my partner. I think I'd rather go places on my own though. I'm generally a pretty solitary person the more I think about it, lol. But it's terribly lonely being solitary, even if I kind of prefer it (it's easier).

oof. it was hot and windy yesterday, and it was pouring with rain a few days ago. so meh. just getting by each day. been pretty flat

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Idk about that reword but I appreciate what you've written there... just feels impossible to not think of myself as the problem or as anything other than inherently bad. I guess the loneliness could be self-fulfilling but I don't think it's the main problem? I'm usually fine being alone and in fact prefer it. I guess there's a difference between choosingto be alone and feeling like you have no one you can talk to about everything though. Like you know when you see or do something exciting and all you want to do is share how cool it is or how excited you are with someone else? I don't have anyone like that anymore and it just kinda sucks.

Was it your birthday recently?? Happy birthday!! I see what you mean and yeah you're not a shit friend. But I continuously dodge outings with people all the time and it's hard to not feel guilty. Idk. I'm just a shit person in general. Hard to think of myself as anything else.

What you wrote about it being easier being solitary is so true. Maybe you'll enjoy company more in Korea? Since they do have a by sharing culture esp for food (I think...). Are you going over New Years? Gonna be cold in Korea! Any specific places you're gonna visit? I've heard jeju island is pretty fascinating.

Man the weather in qld has been brutally hot. Feel bad for all the animals. So glad my mum has aircon for my dog! He keeps asking to go back into the airconned room haha.

Sigh. Been feeling bit more blue lately. Trying to keep my mind off stupid things for Europe and captain marvel and avengers 4 coming out next year lol. Losing motivation for everything... just kinda wanna be in bed forever. Way too lazy for work... alas, the adult life.

Hope the weather is more relenting there rn and that you're feeling better 😞

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Yeah, I feel the same. I love being alone, but I am lonely and it sucks when I have nobody to share things with.

Nah I'm going on the third so just after New Years, but yeah it'll be cold. I know nothing about Korea, so...dunno lol. Just going to be in Seoul for that week I think.

Oh yeah apparently there's been a heatwave all across Aus but Sydney has weirdly been spared in the last week. We hit possibly about 29/30 yesterday, but that was basically it.

I have not watched any avengers things from civil war onwards 😕 it's too hard to catch up now. It's like Game of Thrones. I'm only into like season 1 episode 3, so i can't be bothered watching it now.

What do you find helps you when you feel like this?

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Well all I hear from people who've been to Korea is it's good for: skin care, plastic surgery, spicy food, a cold winter and kpop haha. So, gonna be super different to here!! A week away is always good anyway. Are you keen??

My inner MCU-fan girl just gasped at that haha. But next year GoT final season will be out so I'm keen to start the whole thing (I think lol). Are you a big fan of any fandoms or anything? sorry if you've mentioned it in the past and I've forgotten...

I'm not sure what helps me tbh.Yeah idk. I just wanna sleep like far out I am so TIRED. Did a sorta stupid thing a few days ago. No waking up or overly vivid dreams or anything. Making me wanna do it again because sleep is so elusive.

Had a bad fight with my best friend. Not helping with how lonely I feel despite having a lot plans with my other friends or whatever. Idk I just feel a bit done. I'm putting up a good front for everyone though cause everyone thinks I'm fine. Sorry sigh I don't really have anyone to talk to. I know I need to see a psychologist sigh.

I'm sorry.

Hope you're having better days than I feel I am. How are you? Been feeling okay?

PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

oof been so busy recently with Christmas and planning for the trip...

I'm pretty keen to see Korea. I think I'll just end up eating a lot and drinking a lot. Apparently that's basically their culture lol. and i love korean food.

Oh there is no way I'd ever watch all of GoT. It's too loooong. All I've ever managed is to watch bits on youtube lol. I read up to book 4, then lapsed, and I cannot bring myself to read them now. It's too painful re-reading.

I think the only thing I'm a big fan of would be star wars and lord of the rings. But not really that much compared to some real fans lol.

How was your Christmas?

We had an okay dinner/lunch and just been trying to catch up with friends. I have to go back to work today though which is sad 😞 😞

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

How soon do you leave for Korea? So exciting!! Hope you'll have a great time there 🙂

hahaha I'm so used to binge watching shows that no show really feels that long to me anymore I think? 😅

Yeah Christmas was pretty chill for me. We're not big on celebrating holidays but we actually spent the day together as a family and had lunch for Xmas and dinner for nye so better than some other years which was good. I went Boxing Day shopping and my goodness the sheer number of people everywhere was insane!!! Pretty sure we spent more time queueing for everything than actuallt looking for things lol. Did you do anything for NYE?

yeah going back to work sucks 😞 I go back tomorrow and I'm dreading it pretty badly lol.

Happy new year btw! Hope you have a successful, happy, healthy year 🙂

PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Man I am constantly so lazy and always dreading work. I literally want to do nothing except stay in my room in bed all day with the aircon on and my dog there. Like I just don't want to do anything that takes any effort. Why am I so lazy??? How do people not dread work every day??? I feel pathetic for being so lazy about everything that I can't do from my bed. I'm scared I'll be this unmotivated and grumpy during my Europe trip. How do I stop being like this? 😔

[james1]

Hello, I am back now but super tired so I will message later about Korea.

We went to see the fireworks for NYE. it was pretty good from where we were. not too many people.

How's 2019 going for you? it sounds like you are putting yourself down for some things that I think of as quite normal (not wanting to go to work, wanting to stay in bed).

I go back on Monday so I've thankfully got a few more days. pretty sick right now. 😞