Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Hey PL

hahaha I totally get what you mean about having a soundtrack to your life. I used to walk out of my door listening to I'm a believer by smash mouth Shrek style like when he kicks open the toilet door at the beginning of the movie. It just made my day somehow better. Have you landed on any favorites?

Nice one! Sounds like you've been enjoying the books. what is the fan fiction based on?

ah it's a shame about the dbt. You know, you may still be able to do it but with your own goal in mind. The dbt is just a set of skills to help you work towards your own goal. they are suggesting being able to stop self harm and while it's a great goal, it's also totally understandable if you don't want to stop yet. I also didn't. Do you think you could speak to them about having your own goal but still being able to do the classes?

I've been well. Just in Malaysia right now at Penang. Will tell you more later. The internet is dodgy and hard to type on my phone!

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

The soundtracks from a lot of the mcu movies especially the avengers ones or guardians of the galaxy I've been enjoying a lot. Although GotG is more just 60s-80s music rather than orchestra type music. But there's this bit in the avengers movies where the music feels really grand and exciting (it's like the opening bit usually) and it just makes me feel idk just giddy and excited hearing it.

So all the fan fiction I've been reading are marvel based haha. It's amazing what people can think of for their stories. I've always wanted to write a book but can never continue a plot unfortunately.

I guess yeah you're right it wouldn't have to be with the goal of stopping self harm if I did DBT... but tbh that's usually my main problem I think. Anyway I just don't think I'm ready for DBT or any kind of therapy tbh... I know I should but. Idk it's hard to explain but I just yeah don't want to I guess. Are you in therapy rn if I may ask?

How was the travelling?? Any highlights?

PL

[james1]

Hey PL,

Haha you seem to be on a soundtrack listening spree! I love the GotG soundtrack. Aside from just being awesome songs, they do compliment the movie too 😛

That's okay. I understand not wanting to do DBT or therapy in general. When I started with my current psychologist, I specifically said I didn't want to do the organised therapies because I'd done them all before and I didn't want to do them again. So I guess we just generally talk rather than doing a specific therapy. How do you feel about that?

Hmmmmm. Gardens by the Bay in Singapore was great. We also went to Penang and rented a scooter to ride around the island which was good fun. I dunno. I don't usually have highlights. For me, it's more just about being away I guess and seeing/eating/doing new stuff lol. The highlight probably would've been the scooter. That was a lot of fun to go around the island. Gardens by the Bay, specifically the paid domes, was great too (since I love plants).

I think you said you've been to Singapore right? Have you been to the gardens?

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah I guess just talking would be okay but it's really hard for me to put my guard down enough in front of a Therapist that I just end up getting defensive and pissed off at everything they say. There's only been one psychologist I actually felt comfortable with but I don't really remember what made him so different. I tried to go to a psychologist again for the first time in a long time at the beginning-ish of this year when I was really struggling but after a few sessions I just kept getting more and more angry and closed off and it was making me feel worse so I stopped and I've basically given up since then. Thing is, I don't really feel like I need one either except for when I'm really struggling so it just makes it even harder for me to look for one now...

yeah ive heard from a lot of people the gardens were really good! Last time I properly went to Singapore (ie not just a few hrs for a layover) was a while ago and the gardens weren't built yet. So definitely something on my to-do list. Penang is in Malaysia right? I'm surprised you weren't thrown off by the traffic there since a lot of SE-Asian countries' traffics are near lawless and pretty daunting imo 😅.

So I'm actually doing okay I think. I haven't been suicidal or even thought and intended to self harm in a while. Which of course makes me feel guilty but I've been doing okay at pushing those thoughts away too. But man this self hatred thing because of my weight and the eating is just so annoyingly persistent. I know restricting is stupid and I haven't been doing it (mainly because I can't anymore rather than because I don't want to tbh) and I know if I want to lose weight I should eat better and exercise but I'm just so lazy. Just a lazy fat POS. ironically I'd give anything to now be at the weight I started with before I started restricting all those years ago.

How have you been doing?

PL

[james1]

Hi PL,

I know what you mean about your psych experiences. I think the problem in my case, and maybe you can let me know if you think it might be similar for you, is when we go to therapy and we don't know what we want out of it.

Now, I think that happens to most people, but usually people are able to develop that trust in a psychologist. For whatever reason, it has maybe been harder for us to develop that trust in a psychologist and so we don't know what we want out of the sessions, and we don't trust the psychologist enough to guide us. Hence, we get stuck and frustrated and quit.

What do you think of that?

In my case currently, I am psyching my way to poverty at 2 sessions a week and I really want to drop to 1. But we seem to have hit a trust wall here - she doesn't trust that I'm not making an impulsive decision, and I don't trust her enough to actually make my opinion known. Yay!

Ooooh wow you must've gone ages ago to Singapore. You definitely need to go back! It's very nice. Lol I'm very rarely daunted by much. I think I'm too much of a risk-taker. I mean, hey, I commute in Sydney traffic sometimes in shorts...

One step at a time 🙂 I really let myself go when I was feeling terrible and even now I don't eat healthy. I eat out about 5 days a week, spend way too much money too easily...ah well. I've always thought if you are feeling mentally unwell, try to do what's right for your body and wallet, but don't beat yourself up for not doing it.

I've hurt my foot actually. Plantar fasciitis apparently. And I have to run a half marathon this Sunday, so that will go swimmingly well (har har, I made a joke). So overall good for now, but I imagine not so good come Monday lol.

Have you got any plans for the weekend/if you get this after the weekend, did you get up to much? 🙂

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah what you explained sounds spot on in my case as well. And to make things harder, as well as finding it really hard to trust them, I also usually find psychs incredibly, infuriatingly condescending. And awkward silences are also the bane of my existence. I cannot stand them whatsoever. There's just lots of things really, and I know they're excuses that I need to get over but I don't really want to tbh. If I'm honest, I really don't like the thought of having to work on myself and actively try to better myself. It's tiring and it makes me so uncomfortable and feels unnatural to me.

How was your marathon? How's your foot doing?

Wasnt up to much this weekend, just went out for dinner for a friend's bday and pretty much just slept and read otherwise. I slept like 20 hrs on Saturday lol it was crazy.

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Yeah I can understand that. They are excuses, but it doesn't make them any legitimate. And they are things you can get over, but it doesn't mean it won't be hard. I guess I'm just saying, yeah I agree with you and, while we both know these are things that you can do and which can help, it's bloody hard to do so.

My half marathon was good. I finished it so that was the main goal. I feel a lot better now than on Monday as well and my foot seems to have come good.

20 hours?? was that intentional or were you just really zonked out??

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Sorry, it's been a hectic week and a bit. Im starting to plan a Europe trip and it's been taking up all my time.

No the 20hrs of sleep wasn't intentional. Was just really tired since I only had maybe 10hrs sleep in total over the 4/5 days before that. So as soon as I could just stay in bed, I just kept going back to sleep even though I still woke up every couple of hours.

Hows life for you? How's work and everything?

I've messed up so bad TWICE in the last two weeks at work and I just feel so shit and incompetent and stupid, even more so than usual. Just a lot of annoying thoughts. Sigh.

Hope you're doing well and your foot has healed nicely.

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

No worries. That is exciting. Where are you thinking of going and when?

I have been okay. The biggest news recently is that I am trying to reconnect with an old friend of mine. We met in year 2 and were probably best friends until year 5, then he moved to a different school. We were still basically best friends from then but since we never went to the same school and never had the same friends in high school and uni, we basically stopped talking in second year uni. Anyway, it would be nice if we could maintain a connection again this time.

Ah yeah, I understand that. It's really hard not to let our work reflect back on ourselves as people. Somehow, we can accept mistakes in everyone else, but not ourselves. I'm not sure what the answer to that is, except to just remind you that a mistake is a mistake, whether it's made by you or me or anyone else. It's just a mistake, and doesn't make us shit people.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

So far the plan is UK, France, Spain, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Netherlands and Norway. Still in disbelief tbh since it's such a big trip. Gives me something else to look forward to next year though which is something I always need.

Wow year 2! It's great you kept the connection going til second year uni although slowly losing a best friend always sucks. But you guys were friends for so long, I'm sure he'll be happy to reconnect too. Good luck regardless 🙂

I just feel like I never see anyone else mess up where I work. And the last few weeks have been a nightmare because everything keeps going wrong which is making my self-doubt even worse.

I've been having trouble staying asleep and falling asleep and it's getting to me I think. Decided to not go to work today because I'm so tired. But I feel like a weak-ass pathetic whiny little kid and I know I could've gone to work today if I pushed on since I've done it so many times in the past but I'm just so tired. I hate my laziness. I have kept in mind what you've told me all those months ago about thinking about it as being a symptom of depression rather than innate laziness but I've been doing okay for the past few months with my depression so it just feels invalid you know? Idk.

What've you been up to?

Hope you've been well.

PL