Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Yeah so much better. Oh wow yeah I know some people here in Sydney as well who got a bug. Sounds like it has gone around.

I'm so happy for you!! haha this is weird but i am doing that half cry thing where my eyes get warm lol. i also used to be a bookworm and i haven't read for years so absolutely, read away when you get the chance lol.

oooh is it like a university study? i've always wanted to be in one of them. It's sad that you have to resort to that for treatment, but whatever works. It's particularly hard for "personality disorders" because it's not something that GPs are really trained for.

Hmm no I don't miss them. i think sometimes I 'miss' my dad insofar as I wonder what he's doing. For mum, I bump into her often enough since she moved to just around the corner from me and I have to mc at her wedding in Nov so I already feel like she's occupying too much of my time.

I guess I don't miss them because I don't really know them, if that makes sense? I have no real connection to them apart from them being my parents, but there's nothing to talk about, ever. Sometimes people find that sad, and I think I will be sad when they do die, and probably regretful too, but...I don't know. I have no desire right now to get to know them since I only really just got free.

How do you find your arrangement? Do you feel like you see your parents too much/too little?

My week has been fine otherwise. Feeling a lot better now. Just lots at work and finally booked the accommodation for Singapore (2 nights) and Malaysia (3 nights)

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Already starting to find it hard to concentrate on reading again but I'm still reading here and there. It was a good week while it lasted though and I've forgotten how good it feels to be so engrossed in a good story.

Im not sure if the study is a university study or what any of the details are tbh... I'm seeing my gp tomorrow so I suspect he'll probably let me know more about it if the guy who's the head of the study decided he will take me on?

Hmmm that's a perspective I've definitely never heard of before so thank you for sharing that with me. I can understand not missing them because you just got free of them though. It's hard to imagine missing my parents because I see them so often since I live with my dad and my mum lives in the same suburb and I go there every couple of days (to see my dog more than anything if I'm honest lol). For me it's hard to say if I feel like I'm seeing them too much or too little. I don't really want to see them more than I do now but I don't really want to see them less either since this is all I've known... maybe once I move out (whenever that will be), my perspective on that will change.

Yay for getting your accommodation all booked! Always such a load off my shoulders once the big stuff is all booked and out of the way when planning for a holiday. Any plans for the coming week?

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

What were you reading? Sounds like fiction?

I am trying to start my drawing again. I have this burst of desire to do so, maybe similar to your reading, and I want to make the most of it while I can lol.

How did the gp appointment go? Did they tell you whether you'll be accepted or not? Hopefully!

Haha yes, it can be really hard to say what we want until we are actually living in those circumstances.

Just work really lol. I did a bit of shuffling furniture in the garden and moving plants around to prepare for the spring. It's hard to find the time during the week. My weeknights tend to be pretty lazy.

Next Thursday (not the coming one) I will be going to see Harry Potter 4 at the Syd Opera House, put up on a large screen with the live orchestra. I'm super keen. Have you got much on?

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah I'm reading Marvel fan fiction actually... something to tide me over until the next marvel movie comes out lol. But some of these fan fictions are actually really great and captivating. Did you end up starting up your hobby of drawing again?

GP appt was pretty unproductive since he forgot to email the psychiatrist in charge of the study... so more waiting for now I guess.

Omg the Harry Potter orchestra sounds amazingly cool. Let me know how that goes after next Thursday please! I love Harry Potter (as evident by my name on here). Are you a big Potter fan?

Not much on at all. Have a bbq thing for a friend's birthday tomorrow night which I'm kind of nervous about. Currently house sitting for my mum while she's overseas so I get to be with my dog all the time (minus when I'm at work) which is awesome.

Bit of a topic change here but I feel pretty guilty for not actively destroying myself (physically or otherwise) and for being "fine". It's usually at this point I would try to self sabotage I think and try to trigger myself on purpose and now it's making me feel even guiltier that I'm not even doing that. What an annoying cycle...

Hope you've been doing well

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

Oh I love the marvel films so I am quite sad about James Gunn being fired. He said some pretty dumb things but I guess I believe in forgiveness if the person really shows remorse for what they've done.

No I haven't started yet. I need to find some sort of easel or slanted surface to draw on. I get a sore neck when I draw on a flat surface.

Haha I forgot the link. I'm so used to calling you PL. I do love HP. Apparently I'm a Ravenclaw. What are you?. If you are in one of the major cities, I think some of the local symphony orchestras (SSO, MSO, QSO) are doing the HP movies like this. I've been to a Star Wars one, a Pixar one, and a Lord of the Rings one and they've all been good. The HP one should be amazing.

It's good that you recognise the self-sabotage. I think the more we go, hey, it's happening again, the more we can train our brains to go: you know what, this is actually dumb. Stop it. But it is for sure an annoying cycle. One of the things that I noticed was whenever my psych went on holiday, something bad would happen. Not sure if it was just coincidence or self sabotage, but eventually it just stopped.

Thank you. I've been doing well 🙂 Enjoy the BBQ tonight! Hope there's some nice fooooood

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Yeah I agree about James Gunn. I think he seems sincerely sorry about what he's said in the past and I think it's a bit unfair to be judged on what we've said or done in the past especially if the person's changed for the better; because who doesn't say stupid things you know? I've heard the actor who plays Drax said he'd quit if James Gunn is fired so I hope things don't progress that far since Drax's humour kind of makes the GotG movies great.

I am a Ravenclaw as well! Ravenclaws unite 🙂 oooh maybe they had/will have something similar here in Brisbane then but I'd have to check first. I didn't know they've done all those though. Didn't even realise Pixar movies could suit having orchestra as background music 😮

yeah I guess noticing the self sabotage is the first step right... I guess it's "good" I still haven't done anything stupid since I've noticed it. Still makes me feel guilty as hell though.

The BBQ was really fun! I ate a lot more than I'm comfortable with but I felt bad for not eating. Trying not to think about it but seriously just hating myself for all this food I've let myself eat lately. Wish I could just stop feeling guilty for so many stupid things lol.

Hope you have a restful weekend 🙂

PL

[james1]

I wish I had a sticker for you for not acting on your guilt. Don't worry, I'd choose a pretty dull one so you don't feel guilty about getting a sticker lol.

Yeah I love Drax. I really hope he sticks around, but I just get the feeling the next one won't be as good. It's always hard to make a third movie in a trilogy (Lord of the Rings did an amazing job though!) and I think even harder to do so when you have something like this happen.

Yeah, the Queensland Symphony Orchestra has done it in the past. Maybe check out their website. Haha it can be so easy to overlook the orchestra because usually, the best ones are the ones that just hide in the background. You don't really notice it until it's not there because when it's not there, you realise just how much the orchestra carries the emotion of the movie.

An awesome example is that classic scene from Up about growing up together. This is the soundtrack version without the visual. It might be hard to know exactly what is going on, but you'll feel what would be happening on screen. I find it's best to just close my eyes and listen and try to really feel the music. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaLegF2hAxI

Sounds like a nice BBQ. I am glad you managed to enjoy it a bit. I think it's really great that you were able to go - being able to see others having a good time will hopefully help reinforce that you are also allowed to have a good time.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

Hope the film orchestra tonight was amazing!!

Thank you for the virtual sticker for not acting on my guilt; I graciously accept? Sorry I keep replying so late though. I'm so tired all the time I swear on my days off I'm basically just sleeping/in and out of sleep.

I listened to that video you linked of the Up soundtrack and it's so beautiful. I can't believe how unaware I am of the presence of orchestra music in movies (especially animated movies) despite the fact that I KNOW it's music that sets the mood in movies. So I started looking at the live orchestra performances from avengers/marvel movies and like wow. It's pretty amazing to watch. I think if there's a marvel one that the QSO will do I'll def go to it.

How are you doing?

PL

[james1]

Hello PL,

It was great! I didn't get around to replying before but I definitely recommend you check out the QSO who are performing it. And yeah, I remember when I watched the Pixar one, they showed a Finding Nemo clip and wow, I didn't realise how dramatic the music really was until it was playing live in front of me.

How was your weekend? It was very windy here so I didn't get up to much. I wanted to do some gardening - repotting, mulching, moving things around - but there was a bee all day and I was too scared lol.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James,

I'm really sorry I haven't replied until tonight!!!! I'm glad you enjoyed your night at the symphony. There's one coming up for the QSO but unfortunately (for me) it's for Star Wars which I'm not a big fan of. I started listening to movie soundtracks a lot more though since you recommended that one of Up. Specifically ones for Marvel movies. Kinda love the really heroic soundtracks cause it makes me feel like I have a badass soundtrack for my boring life haha.

It was really windy here too at some point last week. Also I totally would've also been scared of the bee... I mean I know they're good for the environment but they still sting and hurt lol.

I've been reading so much fanfic that I'm neglecting everything else. I think I've read about the equivalence of 10 or so decent sized novels in the last three weeks. I just love it so much.

On a less positive front, I finally went back to the GP and he told me that the DBT study would take place every fortnight for at least a year and involve a lot of group therapy and have the desired outcome be something like stopping self harm. And I KNOW it's what I probably need or whatever but I just can't deal with the thought of having to let go of it. I don't even self harm anywhere near as much as I used to, but at least I have the option to do it if I need or want to. And I'm just not ready to surrender that. So I basically told him I'll just not really do anything other than keep taking my meds I guess... sigh. Oh well.

How have you been? Again I'm sorry I took so long to reply to your message.

PL