Empty and lost and so lonely

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎15-07-2017

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎08-05-2018

Been a while since Ive been on here... I feel like I'm starting to get bad again... but how do I know if I'm going down a depressive spiral or I'm just being lazy? These days I feel like I just don't want to get out of bed. But I still do because I have to for work and because otherwise my family will notice and get worried. But if I could, I'd seriously just be in my room all the time and stay in bed. Even for going to ballet, I just can't be bothered even though when I started doing ballet again at the beginning of this year I was loving it so much. But I don't know if I'm being lazy at the thought of exercise and getting out of the house, or if I'm going into a really bad depressive episode again... I've never known how to differentiate feeling lazy or whether something is just part of my depression... also been feeling self harm urges like crazy.

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎10-05-2018

Been contemplating things a lot. Came close to doing certain things last night. Still thinking about doing it. I hate contemplating things and kind of wish I'd make a decision already?

side note, I'm such a selfish parasite to my friends god. I hate it. I wish I could just never reveal any of my problems to them. Wish I was better at keeping everything in and keeping things to myself so I'm not such a burden on everyone.

james1 · ‎11-05-2018

Hi PL,

What were you considering doing? If you are in danger, you need to go to the hospital until these urges pass which they will.

Otherwise, what have you been up to in the last half year or so? It sounds like things got less bad, but then got bad again?

James

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎11-05-2018

Hey James,

i haven't done anything yet but hoping I will tonight. Also I've gone to the ER before when I was suicidal and they just made me feel a thousand times worse so won't be doing that again.

Since I last posted things actually got worse and I did a stupid pathetic attempt which did nothing because I didn't even do it properly. But after that/really bad depressive episodes in general, I do usually just kind of get numb which I guess is 'better' than being intensely suicidal? But in the last half year or so I basically did nothing from oct-feb and then I had to start working again since my dad had to stop working. Took up ballet with a friend which was fun for a while but I've stopped again since I just can't be bothered leaving the house unless I really need to. Nothing much other than that I guess. How have you been?

PL

james1 · ‎11-05-2018

Hi PL,

Can you tell us what you are hoping to do? Are you planning to kill or otherwise harm yourself?

I will respond to the rest of your message soon, but i am at work at the moment and I am concerned about your safety.

James

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎11-05-2018

Hey James,

no not kill myself. Actually not actively suicidal for once. More for self harm I guess. It'll be fine. And no need to worry, I don't do self harmy things until its night time/everyone's asleep. It'll be okay... I think.

PL

james1 · ‎12-05-2018

Hey PL,

Thanks for replying to me yesterday, and I hope you didn't mind that I asked. It can be hard to tell online what people are intending to do so I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

I am glad to hear that you took up ballet for a while with your friend, even if you've stopped. It sounds like you actually quite enjoyed that but the numbness has kind of taken it away from you again. Are you averse to giving it a go again? It may not bring you as much joy, but sometimes it can take routine (no matter how dull) to get our emotional states more receptive. I found having a regular walk helped me find even the tinniest bit of appreciation for the park I was walking in, and that appreciation grew very slowly over many months.

Anyway, I have been good. Mostly been keeping care of my pets. Nothing drastic has changed in my life. Just small things - routine I suppose, ha.

James

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎13-05-2018

Hey James,

i did enjoy it actually but between my friend quitting it, how inadequate and self conscious I feel with all the mirrors there, and just feeling too lazy to leave the house in general, I just don't think even if I buy the class passes I'd end up going and I'd waste the money... lame I know.

Pets are always good company to have. You have a rabbit and a cat right? Any new ones? Guess it's good nothing bad has happened? Any exciting plans coming up?

PL

james1 · ‎14-05-2018

Hi PL,

I understand it may have been too hard to continue the classes, though it certainly is a shame you had to quit. It may be something that could really help you in the long run. Sometimes being forced to do something on your own in a completely unfamiliar place can help us. But at the same time, I imagine it would've been a struggle to have even given it a go in the first place and you did really well to give it a go.

A rabbit and bird, though I'd love a cat. I also have some fish but they seem to be hibernating or something now that it's colder. I rarely see them, but they are all alive. No, nothing exciting I don't think. Just been doing little things like fixing up my motorcycle and gardening. I find it's the small things and routine which helps me stay on track. Thanks for asking.

James

Piertotum_Locomotor · ‎17-05-2018

Hey James,

i thought I wrote a reply three days ago but I guess it didn't post? Weird. But I eventually ended up having a minor od two nights ago (like very minor) but it knocked me out for a bit and I missed work which freaked a lot of people out. But silver lining, it showed both me and my gp that a higher dose of that medication actually works better than the lower dose I was on originally. So we went for a dose in the middle and I actually had like a solid 8-9hrs sleep last night!!! And only woke up twice!!! This is so weird because I generally can only stay asleep for 3 hrs and then stay awake for another couple of hours and repeat.

A question for you: do you ever feel like sometimes it would be "nice" to be hospitalised for a few days? I certainly do and it makes me feel like an attention-seeking piece of sh*t. But I'd just love to be able to not have to pretend like I'm a functional human being. Don't have to worry about what my family would think if I'm in bed all day... do you ever feel like this? 😕

PL