Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[james1]

Hey mitch,

You said: In my ordinariness i am enough. Everyone is ordinary. No matter who they are.

It reminded me of another quote I heard from a broadway singer I saw live. Her personal motto was:

Sierra Boggess — 'You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.'

I thought it was an awesome take on life.

Nice one

James

[White_Rose]

Hello PL

I wrote a couple of posts to you when you started this thread. Sorry I did not continue but you can appreciate that life gets in the way of doing things at times. You sound like you are in a bad place and I so sorry you feel like that. I know how wanting to die feels like. I see you wrote that death was your default position which I think means when all else fails I can...

And this true. But there is another option called living. This is the real default position when life is sweet and you are well. My attitude for a while was if all else fails... and in some ways it got me through some bad times. The drawback to that is after a while you stop trying and narrow your world down to this one option. I was shocked when I realised how attractive this became. It crept up on me until that was all I could think about.

I have some friends and a wonderful medical team. My GP, psychiatrist and counsellor. help to keep me balanced and to live in this life, the only one I will have. I loved Hams Solo quote and it is so true. I am enough, you are enough, the people who love us are enough. There is so much to know and for us to revel in being in this world.

Now I expect you are wondering why I say this because it's your business how you live, or don't, and I get it because that was my reaction. No one told me I was bad or unworthy and yet I could not get the feeling out of my mind that somehow I was defective. Is this the way you feel?

You cannot change your thoughts overnight but you can start practising how to change them. I don't know if you been browsing the forum, but if you have you may well have seen this bit in my posts. The trick to changing your thoughts is to think of something else.

"Is that all" she said, "it doesn't work". Well no it doesn't at first. You have to keep on doing it until it becomes an automatic change. First make a list of things you enjoy doing such as gardening, craft work, walking, going to the gym, the list could become huge. Then when you find yourself back thinking the same old same old, go to your list and do one of the activities.

Love to talk again.

Mary

[Starwolf]

Good to meet you PL, though circumstances could be a lot better.

I just read a few of your later posts and felt compelled to connect with you. Probably because I once was a resident in a similar dark pit myself. Getting out of bed day after day seemed pointless, every little action too much useless effort to even consider. Improvement was out of the equation, not even a fantasy. I'm here to share that this situation doesn't need to perpetuate itself. I wouldn't be here talking with you now if it was the case.

The Universe is a masterpiece of engineering and wisdom. Everything in it has a purpose, a slot in the grand scheme of the millions things. Temporary, sure. But necessary while it lasts.

I stopped waiting for motivation to kick in. Having done a lot of research on the workings of the brain, I knew it wouldn't. As a matter of fact, the more we procrastinate and agonize over it, the more the mind's self-protective mechanism scream "don't do it !". I replaced "should do" with a question : will it be easier to get a move on in another 1/2 hour ? Nope, of course it wouldn't. That's how I slowly learned to eliminate those 0 days in life where nothing at all is achieved. At first, just brushing my hair or teeth was a huge victory...

The "why should I" mostly comes from the fact that we identify with our mental illness. We believe it is what we are. But under the emotional rubble, there's a real, unique individual, crying out to be discovered. A potential to be realized. But its calls are muffled by the debris.

Perhaps the reason why you are still here, talking with us ?

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey all,

I’m sorry for the late reply. I’ve been sick again for the past week or so and didn’t want to give a half-hearted reply so I haven’t been going on the forum as much. Thank you for taking the time to reply though, I really do appreciate everything you’ve all written for when I was seriously having a horrible time.

@James – those are beautiful lyrics and so, so apt. It’s always easier to just give up and swim down… and although I agree with you that, at least while swimming upwards I’d be expending effort for a reason, I still feel really, really, really hesitant to ‘swim up’. And I know this is because I’m still in this mindset that I ultimately just don’t want to get better but have yet to find a way to end it all with the least horrible/traumatic consequences for everyone involved. This is why I’m still in this limbo and am so reluctant to ‘swim up’. And also because deep down… I think I’m scared that if I really gave it my all to get better, I’d actually succeed. I’m so scared of being ‘recovered’ and being happy. Enough about me though. How have you been?

@HamSolo - thank you for what you’ve written, especially where you said “in my ordinariness I am enough”. I’ve always had a fear of being mediocre and inadequate, so what you said was actually really helpful, even if I can’t accept it for myself yet. Logically I can accept what you said and agree that our just being born is extraordinary on its own. But personally I still can’t accept that because I refuse to think of myself in any way that’s positive. But thank you for your words. How have you been doing? I hope you’re doing better and in a better mindset than last week/2 weeks ago xx

(cont. next post)

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

(part 2)

@WhiteRose – everything you wrote was so accurate, I couldn’t have written it better myself. I think I’ve long narrowed my world down to this one option of suicide sometime before a certain age. And what you wrote here “No one told me I was bad or unworthy and yet I could not get the feeling out of my mind that somehow I was defective” is EXACTLY how I feel. I just feel like I am the worst person on Earth; that I am the vilest, most inadequate, disgusting, absolutely selfish piece of garbage to ever live. Even if people tell me otherwise, I can never accept it. I remember a long, long time ago when I was hospitalised that the psychologist I was seeing told me about changing my thought patterns too. But I think that unless I change how I feel about myself, I’d never seriously try to (or want to) change how I think. UGH I don’t know. I’m probably not even making sense right now. I feel like my thoughts are just going in pointless circles all the time… sorry if this actually was incoherent. But thank you for what you wrote; I feel like I could really relate to them and I’m sorry because that means you’ve had to go through feeling like this too and I know how absolutely crap it feels.
@StarWolf – I’m sorry you were once in a similar dark place but glad to hear that you seem to be doing better. I’ve had depression and anxiety for such a long time, and since I was quite young, that I really do feel like my mental illnesses are my identity. I don’t know who I am outside of them. Especially because I am ridiculously ordinary that I feel like my mental illnesses are the only things that don’t make me feel like I’m just a huge blank space. Isn’t that kind of f**ked up huh…

Again, thank you for all the comments and for the time you’ve all taken out of your days to write on this thread. I really, really do appreciate them all.
Hope you’ve all been well.

- PL x

[james1]

Hello PL,

Being scared of getting better sucks. It's made worse by the fact that people tell us we should get better and we should want to get better. So if we're afraid of it, that just makes us seem even more broken.

But I can also tell you that being afraid of getting better is very normal.

There's so many reasons why we wouldn't want to get better. For me, it's been to do with feelings of unworthiness, or the fact that trying is pointless because it's impossible, having an identity tied to being broken and being unable to see myself any other way, and even just a desire to be heard. If I'm well, no one will listen. If I'm broken, people will listen.

So, so many reasons.

Self-punishment - stopping ourselves from getting better - is a really enticing idea. It seems like everything is pointing to it as the right thing to do for us. But it's a dead-end choice. The other, harder, choice is full of possibilities.

So I've been pretty rubbish recently. Relationship issues. But hanging in there to try and make a difference to how I see things in the (admittedly) blind hope that things will get better eventually. I picked up painting warhammer models and gardening as hobbies in the last couple of weeks, and bought some butchers paper for sketching and jotting down ideas for my story.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I have no clue what a warhammer is but that sounds pretty fun and like a good distraction too for when things get overwhelming etc. Props to you for trying to keep yourself busy and trying new things even when things have been rubbish and you've been having a hard time. What are you writing your story on?

I've been sick with some kind of viral infection again so that's been kinda crap. But tbh sometimes I don't mind being physically sick because it's probably the most "effective" way to take my mind off suicidal thoughts etc. so now that I'm better again, they've like come back with a vengeance. Nothing is wrong and my life is fine but I desperately want to die. I can't stop thinking about it and honestly getting more and more tempted each night.

Anyway. Hope your days get better and your mood picks up soon.

-PL x

[james1]

Hello PL,

They're just little figurines that you can paint. I bought some lizard people.

Ah, my idea for the story is it is going to be about a guy who lives his dreams and stories to the point that he gets confused. If you ever saw Inception, think about like the main guy's wife, but a whole story about them in that dream world. I think this might be the first time I step back into full novel writing. It's too big for a short story which is what I've been writing more of recently.

Yeah I understand what you mean about physical illness taking your mind off suicidal thoughts. What else helps you take your mind off it?

Thank you. My mood is okay. I'm pretty up and down most of the time so I just need to try and flatten the ups and downs. It's frustrating having to do that, but any good long term habit takes time to adjust to.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James, sorry for the delay in my reply. Been feeling real shit lately and haven't felt up to replying, sorry...

I have seen inception and loved it; your story idea sounds really cool! Do you write a lot? I used to try to write stories whenever I could and really wanted to start writing a book but haven't written anything in ages. I miss being able to write actually. And draw. I used to love spending hours just drawing but I just have no motivation or patience to do anything anymore.

How have you been lately? How was your long weekend? Up to anything cool?

- PL x

[james1]

Hello PL,

I used to write more. And then for a while I was writing poetry.

I think writing and drawing (I draw as well) are things which need to be started to actually get motivation and build up your patience with that stuff. It's the classic hard-to-start-easy-to-keep-going thing. Give it a go if you can - there's literally nothing to lose.

Nope. I lost my bird who flew away and also had a break up. So the long weekend was pretty rubbish, haha. Otherwise, I tried cooking a bit. Made a mash potato and caremalised onion pastry. It was pretty good. You?

James