Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[HamSolo01]

Hey PL

That makes perfect sense. I totally agree that this forum is a place to talk and write about things others have experienced. Even as I write this I know people are out enjoying their saturday nights.. but I am here on my own. This used to bother me. But then I began to realise that 1) I'm happier here and 2) I still have friends who don't actually like to go out EVERY weekend and party it up dancing and all that. It's not my thing to do. I'm more introverted like that and telling my more extroverted peers that I have anxiety and depression is hard because they won't understand. Some have told me that the solution is to just keep going out all the time.. but that is simply too exhausting. It's no wonder I'm a single virgin still haha. It still bugs me because I wonder "what if" i just gave that whole thing a shot.. but it's not me. I'm not gonna forfeit myself for that sort of thing. But then I feel like I suffer if I don't. Strange. I can relate to the feeling of "not wanting" to get better then I guess hey?

Please never stop posting. Reading up on your story helps me deal with mine. The internet is great for that. You probably end up helping yourself in the process too.

"Idk, I just feel lost. I don't really know what I want other than to die but it's hard to go through with that once I start thinking about what people will think/feel, especially whoever finds me. Idk."

Yep. I can relate to this WAY too much. I feel lost every day. Sometimes I think of how big the universe is and I put myself in context. My problems are minuscule compared to the universe. Reminds me of a quote that gives me hope..

"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton"

In other words, the simple fact I exist is AMAZING in itself. I sometimes remember this when I feel very depressed and borderline suicidal. It's okay to be lost in this universe I guess. Things change all the time. Circumstances and realities.. people.. friends.. families... It's what makes life the mystery that it is.

My gym sesh was okay thanks. Just trying to get back into a routine.

Take care.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey HS,

I'm glad staying in on weekend nights don't bother you as much anymore, especially since it sounds like you sound much happier staying in being introverted and all. I can relate to that. My friends used to go out all the time and I'd always say no because being out all the time was just SO tiring. I'm much happier staying in with my dog, watching a movie or reading a book or something. So I'm glad you're staying true to what makes you more comfortable and happier.

Also just to touch on being a "single virgin", I saw from your post in the long-term support forum that this seems to bother you a lot and make you feel insecure. I'm not sure this helps at all but I'm also single and a virgin, and I know lots of my friends are as well (both girls and guys). So please don't feel insecure about that (though I know that's far easier said than done...)

You know, I think about "my place in the universe" kind of things a lot and unfortunately (?), I always come to the opposite conclusion to yours. See, I think that my life is so purposeless; in fact, all of humanity is ultimately inconsequential. Because in the grand scheme of things, we're nothing. I'm one person, a part of one species, who lives on one single planet that's part of one tiny solar system in one universe out of BILLIONS out there. So like, why do I even bother? What am I even here for... IDK. Everything just feels purposeless to me. And even when I'm not this suicidal, I still have this feeling of existential crisis so I don't think I'm thinking this way just because I'm suicidal.

I hope your weekend's been far better than mine. What'd you get up to?

[james1]

Hey PL,

I wasn't having a go at you and I am sorry if it felt like that, but I feel like it was an important question for me to ask. You are clearly intelligent and in a lot of pain, so I didn't understand what you were waiting for. You'd even reached out to us which, often, is half the battle. And you're continuing to be honest with us which is another bonus.

So thank you for telling us. I also hope you can keep talking to us because even though we can't convince you that living is a good option, I think Hamsolo's made a good point about confusing comfort with wanting to die.

We can see you're in a lot of pain and I know very well that suicide has a weird sense of comfort around it. But it's not death that is comforting, it's the end of pain. And suicide isn't the only option out of pain.

Have you watched the west wing? There's a little quote in that from a mentor figure to a guy who's struggling with PTSD. I'll shorten it here:

There's a guy and he's fallen into a hole in the road. He's stuck and a doctor and priest walk by, but the doctor throws him a prescription and the priest throws him a prayer.

Then a friend walks by and our guy asks his friend for help. The friend jumps in and the guy goes, "what the hell? now we're both stuck in here."

The friend says, "yeah, but I've been here before and I know the way out."

You're not alone in feeling this way PL. I don't claim to know the answers to how you can get out of your hole, but we both know that a lot of those answers which will be specific to you, lie in future discussions with a professional doctor of some sort.

So I'm sitting in that hole with you because I know how to get my own way out, and while I don't know where your exit is, I'm just hoping we can find it together.

It'll take time, I get it. It took me the better part of probably 10 years to figure out that I've got a problem, but I waited for me, so I'll wait for you too.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey PL

Thanks for your helpful and kind comments 🙂 They help.

I had a pretty mundane weekend.

Feeling pretty horrible lately.

Can check on my posts if you are interested in more.

Hope you are okay today.

Thanks again

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

No I wasn't offended or anything; I get why you'd ask the question. I just feel like I'm wasting your and @HamSolo's time because of how I feel about my unwillingness to recover.

I've never watched west wing, but I have heard of that saying before. Thank you for what you said, especially the last two little paragraphs. That was incredibly kind and kind of made me want to cry actually, and I really appreciate it.

How was your weekend and how are you?

I had the most anxiety-filled day today which is not great when combined with the fact that I'm running on about 2-4 hrs of sleep per night for the last week or two. Hope your day was better than mine.

- PL x

[james1]

Hello PL (and shout out to Hamsolo as well)

I always tell me friends that if they're wasting my time, I'll let them know. Until then, it's nothing to worry about. Ditto for you.

My last few nights have been shockers as well. I had crazy nightmare inception. Kept 'waking up' in bed, only to 'wake up' again in the dream. It was very confusing so I'm not actually sure anymore what happened. It could've even been sleep paralysis because I couldn't move at all. It was quite scary 😕

Otherwise I made a perch for my bird and bought some plants for my backyard which I repotted. I'm very bad at gardening. I always make a big effort to start then can't be bothered and end up killing my plants. Hope it doesn't happen this time.

How about you? What did you get up to?

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

Sleep paralysis definitely seems like a possibility but that sounds so unnerving... I hate it when dreams and reality feel so mixed up in each other that you can't tell which is which and whether something actually happened or was actually a dream. Hope you have more restful sleep this week.

How many pets do you have? I know about the rabbit and now the bird; do you have more? But that sounds like a really nice and chill weekend actually. And totaaallyyy relate to being a black thumb haha maybe you can start with succulents since they're easier to take care of (or so I've heard)?

My weekend was uneventful and yet I was so anxious the whole time for no apparent reason. So that was exhausting. Spent lots of time with my precious dog though which always makes me happy.

Hope you have a great week 🙂

- PL x

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I don't understand how people can wake up everyday and not absolute dread it. Everything feels pointless and I am so exhausted. Why. Am. I. Still. Here.

I know I can't forever stay in this limbo mindset where I just try to survive without properly getting better and forever have suicide as my immediate backup plan. But I don't know how to want to get better. I just don't know what the hell im doing right now. Idk anything. All I know is I am tired of everything and I wish I never existed.

[james1]

Hello PL,

I only have those two, but I'm hoping to get two rats at some point. I'd also like a dog and a cat when I move into a bigger place, and a galah. I don't know how I'll manage to keep them all!

Yeah I was thinking about the succulents, but I don't think I will. I just don't like the look of them very much.

It's good that you recognise you can't stay in this limbo forever. It's always possible to get out of, but it does seem to get harder and harder.

There's a song in the musical Hamilton and the lyrics near the beginning go, "the moments when you're in so deep/it seems easier to just swim down". I love the song. It's so sad and these lyrics capture how I felt at my worst. When you're stuck in the deep waters, and it's just so dark that you feel you're closer to the bottom than the top.

But the song moves on from there to talk about the estranged husband and wife reconciling. They both go against everything and put in so much effort to try and swim up. They'd just lost their son after also dealing with Hamilton's affair, and yet they come together to try and swim their way out of the deep waters.

You said you don't know how to want to get better. The answer is so so hard, yet also so simple. Start swimming up. The shallows are above. You know where they are.

So yeah, I totally agree with you. Limbo sucks. At least while swimming upwards, you're expending effort for a reason. While in limbo, you're not going anywhere. You know this. You're feeling it right now.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey PL

I totally understand how you are feeling atm. This is something that plagues me often

But i also remember a quote

“We are going to die, and Whether akes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”

Its from Richard Dawkins. Whether or not you are religious isnt the point with this particular idea he expresses.

The point is that your conception was insanely rare.. without you even doing anything. You, the PL one and only who wont be repeated are a singularity. Thats amazing enough as it is.

I find this quote removes the pressure i put on myself to perform. In my ordinariness i am enough. Everyone is ordinary. No matter who they are.

I get the suicidal ideation. I deal with this often. But i suppose ACT has taught me to accept it. It sucks. But there is no need to agree with it.

I used to be religious but i am not anymore. This has given me a new lease on life. A new realisation that there is enough wonder in my own existence without a supreme overseer.

But anyway. I hope the quote helps somehow