DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

[Doolhof]

Right now I feel like I don't have the energy to do either. Just existing is difficult enough. I've been trying to "float" this one out but the Black Dog is right there trying to drag me under.

My Psychologist tells me to embrace the depression, to accept it, to make the most of those rotten days when you feel like you can't do a thing. To just live with it and the sting of the depression will ease away. If I don't feed it, it will give up.

I must be doing something wrong as all that seems to do is escalate how horrid I feel, I break down in tears and feel like "what is the point" this monster is winning.

Depression. BPD. Stress. Suicidal thoughts. Maybe I do need to find ways to embrace these issues before they totally destroy me. But how?

Maybe I could try poetry, I've already painted a couple of pictures showing what is going on in my head, maybe more paintings or drawings might help get the muck out.

I'm just so tired and exhausted. Mental health issues suck!

Fighting it is exhausting. Trying to embrace it is soul destroying.

ACCEPTANCE! Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE! Think it ran away with HOPE!

Wishing you all a sense of acceptance and hope!

Cheers from a battered feeling Dools

[quirkywords]

Doolhof,

I was thinking that as I don’t have a concept of Satan maybe my inner critic is like tahtnfor me as it is always negative and putting me down. Maybe not as powerful and feared as Satan but destructive nevertheless.

Mrs D , I am sure younbive much pleasure and support at the home as you do here on the forum. I do t think one needs to get paid to bring joy and purpose into the lives of others.

Muisc is powerful and I sometimes forget that.

Shelley, I will look up that singer. thanks

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky,

Thanks for dropping by. I agree with you, we don't have to be employed to enable us to be able to give to others and feel like we are an acceptable part of society and the human race.

I think of the sacrifice so many people make in life to assist and enable others, if that be parents who stay at home, those caring for a family member or what ever the situation.

As a Christian, I do have a belief in God and in Satan. For other people, there may be times when they feel good or evil in their body, minds and spirits. It could be thoughts, emotions, a sense of some kind of force.

We all have the right to believe what we want to believe and call things as we relate to them in our own lives.

Sometimes for me the concept of what is my own thinking, what is my character, or what is explained psychologically can become a bit fuzzy.

Going back to music, yes, it can be very healing. It can evoke all kinds of thoughts and emotions.

It is lovely to attend the sing alongs at the Home for the elderly and see the residents enjoy some of the songs from their era. It makes me wonder what songs will be sung as a reminiscence when I hit 80? ABBA, ACDC, Queen, The Eagles, Meatloaf...they are just a few I can think of right now. Ha. Ha.

Hope you are doing okay Quirky. My husband is going out tomorrow night maybe I will hunt down some old CDs.

Cheers all from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

Today is the 21st anniversary of our last babies birth/death. Yesterday I bought my favourite gluten free cake and sat in a park, had a chat to our child, wished them a happy birthday and ate the cake.

I sat a while listening to the birds, wondering what it was like in heaven and thinking of all my children being there together and it brought me comfort. It was as though I could feel their love and see their smiles and knew they did not want me to be sad.

Today I am hoping some children come into the Op Shop while I am volunteering there so I can say hello to them and see their smiles.

Tonight I am going to light a candle and just let it burn...in a safe place!

Happy Birthday dear precious child!

Cheers to you all. From Dools

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Dools,

Happy birthday to your beautiful and special, angel child. Hold onto that feeling of love and warmth from them. You’re the best mum they could have ever had (and have)...

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Birdy77]

Dear Mrs Dools,

I would also like to wish your precious baby a happy birthday today.

I am so glad that you felt the love from your children yesterday as you sat and thought of them together. You are right, they would not want you to feel sad and I am sure they are sending you love and light.

The way you honour and love them still keeps their spirits alive in your heart, may you feel their love this evening as you sit with the flame of your candle.

I hope you see some smiling children today and that it brings a sense of peace and love to your heart.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

🌻birdy

[Doolhof]

Hi Pepper and Birdy,

Today a friend called into the Op Shop[ with his son! My prayers were answers. The dear little boy let me cuddle him for ages and gave me hugs. It was just what my broken heart needed.

Cheers from Dools

[demonblaster]

Dear Doolsy 🤗☺ hi everyone 🖐

I too would like to join your circle of beautiful friends hugging and having a cuppa at the beach with you. How beautiful you got some comfort remembering your Angel babies 🤗

I don't have a faith but do have beliefs and certainly agree you and Shells (hey darls ☺) with your discussion about Satan. True everyone has a right to their beliefs and feelings are real.

Hun was thinking when hubbys watching sport etc on Tv maybe you could use some ear muffs for music. You can google songs and listen to them from your phone if you're connected to the internet or from a PC. Googlings the simplest way. Hope you can blast a few songs out tomoz and enjoy singing at the top of your voice if that appeals it's a great release. Sounds good the one Shells heard.

At a nursing home in NZ we use to take as many as po to the lounge and we started singing with the lovely elderly. We learnt "Daisy daisy give me your answer do" song. Quite a happy cheerful one and tried others too. We didnt know many. Pleasantly surprising some had magnificent voices and others would join in. We used to attempt dancing waltz kind of with able people. Was great. I often sing and that was how I knew some could and did. Glad you enjoyed your time, it is very uplifting isn't it bringing happiness to peoples lives.

You're a true survivor dear Doolsy and as many and I agree say you're really are an inspiration to many.

Pleasure knowing you ☺

🤗⚘that's when I give it to you, your special flower to others it is but in a different way.

See you later. Always keeping an eye on you

🗯 thoughts & 🕊peace wished.

[Doolhof]

To All who are reading,

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts and for those of you who pray, thanks if any have come my way.

The last few days have been horrendous in ways, and such a blessing as well!

Thursday I found myself sitting under a tree in a park in a crumpled up heap crying until there were no tears left, then I went to the Op Shop and my friend walked in with his son for me to cuddle. A real blessing.

The psychologist connected to the employment agency is trying hard to help me sort my issues there and my emotions as well. She told me that none of my recent medical reports have been placed on my file. I am taking her a folder full of documents on Thursday next week.

I'm not sure how much support she can offer, I will take what ever is available and hope she can make sense of what is happening as I am confused with the employment agency tactics.

Today we are attending the 21st birthday lunch then having dinner with friends here in the evening.

My sister has asked if I will go out driving and chatting with her Sunday as she is feeling lonely. We will pack a picnic and see where we end up.

Monday my husband has some errands he wants to run so I will go with him and might be able to fit in a beach walk as well! Lovely.

Life continues on. Sometimes it feels like I have little resilience left, then thankfully I bounce back again!

Wishing you all resilience and self-compassion!

Cheers from Dools

[demonblaster]

Dear Doolsy 🤗 hi everyone ☺

It breaks my heart the struggles and pain you have/had in your life.
I continue to say and mean I'm in awe of your determination stamina and the effort you put in to finding peace. It impresses me no end.

I have complete faith in you my dear with your ability of seeing positives gratitude and that your determination that's paramount to getting through your pain.

Shame it's not an overnight fix but with the right mindset it certainly can help and speeds up the process. Every small steps a win

Sounds like you have some nice outings, happy for ya Doolsy ☺ you're great company I have no doubt people enjoy their time with you and it's good on so many levels. Getting out esp sunlights proven to be good for our MH. You seem to enjoy being around people ditto. Nice ones that is 😆. A change of scenery is stimulating too.

Sounding hopeful this psych I hope can help you darlz thing is I can't fathom why you're not on a Disability support pension (DSP).
You have severe MH which many don't understand in itself can be a major disability depending on the degree.

The extreme impact it has on our ability to just make it through a day at times let alone work and be expected to function normally when we're suffering.
And your several physical health problems.

Thing is too you ARE working in a volunteer role and unpaid. This benefits many people

Anyway my dear I'm working on posts intermittently so shall see you later huns.

Take care enjoy your outs ☺ Believe my friend... beasty lies we can get have a better life.

🌱new beginnings can start at any moment 🕊

We have the tools 🛠 although buried with pain there are ways of finding and learning to use them.

Have a good every one ⚘🌱

[Doolhof]

Hi Deebi and All Reading,

It has been a busy weekend, I have enjoyed most of it and I am now exhausted! Some days me energy levels are low, so I just need to recharge again.

Tomorrow I will be back at the home for the elderly again, so will see what is happening there. When I return home I will try and sit in the sun, or at least outside and have a cuppa for half an hour then will have to start dinner.

I have a few documents, reports and forms for the lady on Thursday. Many of the documents mention my mental health issues in detail as well as my physical problems, so will see if the lady can actually have these included on my file and have them recognised.

Deebi the last psychiatrist I went to said he was actually surprised I was able to function as well as I do after his assessment. Guess we all try to just keep going the best we can!

My sister and I had a wonderful day exploring yesterday. We came across some old abandoned homes that would be beautiful if they were done up. We had a picnic lunch down near a very tiny water hole that had some frogs we could hear croaking.

As we drove around in the countryside we saw kangaroos, an emu, a wombat and a wedge tailed eagle! The sun set was amazingly beautiful as well. It was a good day. We plan to go out again next month.

The 21st birthday went well. I tried hard not to think too much about the 21st anniversary of our own child's birth/death. Just tried to be in the moment and enjoy the people who were around me.

Hope you are doing okay Deebi!

Cheers from Dools