DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

[Doolhof]

Right now I feel like I don't have the energy to do either. Just existing is difficult enough. I've been trying to "float" this one out but the Black Dog is right there trying to drag me under.

My Psychologist tells me to embrace the depression, to accept it, to make the most of those rotten days when you feel like you can't do a thing. To just live with it and the sting of the depression will ease away. If I don't feed it, it will give up.

I must be doing something wrong as all that seems to do is escalate how horrid I feel, I break down in tears and feel like "what is the point" this monster is winning.

Depression. BPD. Stress. Suicidal thoughts. Maybe I do need to find ways to embrace these issues before they totally destroy me. But how?

Maybe I could try poetry, I've already painted a couple of pictures showing what is going on in my head, maybe more paintings or drawings might help get the muck out.

I'm just so tired and exhausted. Mental health issues suck!

Fighting it is exhausting. Trying to embrace it is soul destroying.

ACCEPTANCE! Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE! Think it ran away with HOPE!

Wishing you all a sense of acceptance and hope!

Cheers from a battered feeling Dools

[Doolhof]

Dear DB and all reading,

Thanks again for your delightful post DB and your suggestions.

The last few months I have started up a Happiness or Hope Journal and also have a book I write all the dark and heavy stuff in. I used to use one book, now I like to separate those thoughts. In saying that, I do also try to write a positive or helpful message in the negative journal after I have written out heaps of stuff. Helps me return to a decent balance.

I'm taking a journal with me next week, not sure if I will have much time to write in it, I can make notes at least and expand on them later. I have also packed some board games to help fill in the blank moments with Mum and Dad. Plus a couple of books.

Having a talk with Mum and Dad has helped clarify some issues. We all realise the Drs are not going to know what they are up against until they operate, so there is no way any of us knows either. If there is some tension a and unease that will be perfectly normal under the circumstances.

I love my parents dearly but it has not always been reciprocated. I feel really uncomfortable spending time alone with Dad so will have to deal with that next week when Mum is in hospital. My Dad has no idea I feel this way about him.

There are a couple of museums near the hospital Mum will be going to, so Dad might be interested in them. As he was a builder, I could find a huge scrap yard for him to wander about in as well perhaps!

Or we could take a train trip to the city and back just for the fun of it. It really depends on what happens to Mum and how close Dad wants to be to the hospital.

Thanks again for all your suggestions DB, for your continued friendship and for dropping by. I may have time for some time on the forum Sunday, then I will be away for a maybe a week.

Cheers to you and all from Dools

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Mrs Dools..

Im sorry about your mums operating and I’m wishing her the very best I can and would like to send her a bunch of beautiful brightly coloured flowers for her bedside table, if that’s okay...

Im a bit concerned that you won’t have access to buying blue forums while you are away..Will you be able to access them by phone or another life line if needed by you.....If so Please dear Mrs Dools do not hesitate to contact them if you need them..

A caravan stay..in a new area..lots of different places to explore and maybe find some little treasures on your walks....maybe some nice pictures of things or areas you like...I haven’t done but maybe you could do a scaepbook with some photos, pick some flowers, leaves, etc. to put into a scrapbook of your week in a caravan...

At times of major stress, I often read or say outloud....one of my favourite of all poems, is “ footprints”... it’s beautiful and calming to read...

I wish also as our dear friend Deebi does, that it was easier for you dear Mrs Dools.....Please stay safe and be very gentle and kind with you..and if you start feeling alone try as hard as you can of the beautiful and caring people that love and care for you here....

Sending you much love 💖💖 and as many hugs as you need dear precious lady..🤗🤗🤗🤗.

Grandy...

[demonblaster]

Hey there Doolsy Grandy and everyone ☺

Thanks dear Doolsy you're very welcome ☺ Thought I'd jump in for a quicky cuppa before you away.

How are you doing huns. I really hope your heads giving you some light. Keep in mind lovey it's for us to be in the drivers seat to direct our thoughts☺ True it is very hard the deeper we are but trust me its in us to change the direction of them. We unintentionally follow through with negatives unchecked. A suggestion I've started on is when you become aware of painful thoughts and feeling down do a few nice calm slow deep breaths in over 5 secs if you can through your nose hold for 6 secs and on out internally say relax and feel the neck shoulders soften. Oxygen gives us energy too.

Good on you with your hope/happiness and blaghh journal and finishing off on a high note that's very smart to refresh the mind.

Good too hearing you got some issues sorted with Mum. Loves very powerful I'm so sorry hearing it wasnt always reciprocated, that can be very damaging. I really hope you can have some quality time. I'm wondering will hubby be with you because that'd be awful not comfy with your Dad alone. Good thinking to get him in some activities. Keep in mind lovey in a wk you'll be back home. Time flies.

You honestly have such incredible strength in you Doolsy and you really are an inspiration to so many.

No matter how hard it gets dear friend please don't ever give up on yourself, the power of our minds is probably beyond our comprehension, we just have to do is learn to tap into it and we're all capable of learning I believe.

Take good care darls. You're very well liked/loved respected and appreciated here and in rl I imagine too.

Cya ☺ hope it goes ok for you. Thoughts 🗯

🌱New Beginnings

🌴

⚘ That's to carry with you all the time, it can be a broach a picture or real in a vase. It's to remind you of the beauty in this world in nature and that you have a lot of love and support because you're so worthy of good things 🤗

🕊

[demonblaster]

Hey Doolsy Grandy and all ☺

I posted phew noted so I'll see if it lands before posting again. No email so I'm not holding much hope.

Wanted to talk to you before you away.

Take good care Doolsy and remember if it gets a bit much a wk goes fast.

🤗⚘🌱

[Doolhof]

Hi DB and Grandy,

Thanks dear precious ladies for your kind words. Yes, it is only a week DB! Hopefully Mum will be okay after the operation and the growths will not be cancerous.

Hopefully my BPD and Depression will behave themselves and I will cope okay. Hopefully I will be able to cope with what ever Mum and Pop are experiencing as well right now.

No, my husband is not joining us and I am not sure if he will phone or not to see how things are going. It might not even cross his mind to do so, so I will phone or text him.

I do have some support phone numbers I can call and a couple of friends have said I can call them as well. I had a chat with the Minister at Church today and asked him to send up a few prayers for us all.

I've just made my husband a lasagne so he at least has something to eat next week that isn't frozen. Guess he will survive for a week.

I need to have confidence in myself and belief that the best I can do is all I can do.

Thanks again dear DB and Grandy for your wonderful support and for being my cheer squad! See you in a week!

Huge hugs to you both from Dools

[Guest_1055]

Hope I catch you before you leave Mrs D. And hello DB and Grandy.

Just want to say hope it all goes well with your mum and staying with your dad.

Also hope you can find some time to really relax at the beach. Just unwind, feel the breeze, ( if there is any), watch the waves. I think you said once this is your happy place.

Take care Mrs D

[Doolhof]

Dear Shelley,

Thanks so much for your best wishes and support.

I think if I was caring for Mum and Dad in our own home it would be different. I will be needing to make a few trips to the city centre, finding a park is not always easy and Mum doesn't walk too far. I haven't driven in the city for a decade or so. I could drop her off and park the car.

In the past with Mum I have never been able to get anything right it seems. I am always a bundle of nerves around them and have to watch everything I say. It is like that saying "Walking on eggshells".

I'm also struggling with Mum and Dad needing my help. In the past I have cried out to them for help, yelled at times, and have been told I can look after myself. Even when I was being beaten up, had guns held to my head and knives at my throat.

Mum was not there when my babies died and were buried.

I cried out for help with strong suicidal ideations and Mum told me she might be able to help me in a few months time. It was like I needed to book an appointment with her for my funeral date.

Guess a part of me is struggling with the past when I need to let it go.

We are staying near the beach so I need to look after myself and go for a walk and not feel guilty for leaving Mum and/or Dad alone for a while.

My mind likes routine and likes to know what is happening next. None of us know what the result of the operation will be nor the next step after that. Deep slow breathes right!

As you can read my mind is taking me all over the place!

Most of the weekend I have been fighting thoughts of self harm. Now I need to go and play diligent caring daughter.

Maybe I will have the strength to rise to the occasion and actually surprise myself with my capabilities!

I don't know how to connect to BB forum on my phone, so see you all next week. I did ask my husband if he could help me with that, but he had to watch the footy.

Cheers and thanks Shelley and All, from Dools

[Guest_1055]

Oh Mrs D it was a challenge to read your words. As tears were starting to come out. I can see you are struggling and I can see you are hurting. Only wish I could give you a hug.

I am ever so sorry that you were treated this way by your mum. She was not there for you. But remember that God is. He says He will never leave or forsake us. And He is our refuge in times of trouble. And where does my help come from, my help comes from the Maker of the heavens and the earth. This is what God tells us.

You are not alone out there.

I do hope you see this before you go.

And is your phone a smart phone? Does it have the capibility to connect to the internet?

Still want to give you a hug, so sending one out to you now.

Shell xx

[Doolhof]

Dear Shelley,

Thank you so much. Yes, I know that God loves me. I just need to love myself more and trust in Him for all I need this week.

Now I am the one in tears!

I know my parents love me in their own way, they just haven't always been there when I have needed them. Maybe that is just not possible for some people for some reason.

They are my parents. I love and care for them but at times it hurts like crazy.

I am supposed to be leaving very soon and still have stuff to do!

Yes I do have a smart phone I am just not a smart operator of that phone. Ha. Ha.

See you all in a weeks time! Take care.

Cheers from Dools

[demonblaster]

Doolsy and all hi back Shells ☺

Dools I too hope you see this before you go.

If you connect to the internet on your phone in settings. Either mobile data or Wifi.

Find BB. On the top on mine its on the L) side theres 3 horizontal bars thats the menu.

Scroll down and you'll see log in then go to forums.

Do you have a good data (internet) plan if you use mobile data that uses your phones data. Any questions anytime no probs.

I too am so sorry you've had very hard life experiences and that's heartbreaking your Mum not being there I understand how hard it would be being there for them and around them and never seeming to get it right not fair Doolsy. You certainly get it all right here.

Have you had the opportunity to ask her why I wonder. It'd be probs very hard to hear but could settle some demons you poor lady.

I'm glad you have Shells to help you with your faith. By the way girls I understand your reluctance to talk religion but always remember your choice is to believe as much as others choice is not to. If you want to speak of your faith there's no harm to anyone and especially here you wouldn't be likely at all to have conflict ☺

Best to you all

Doolsy you do have the strength in you to conquer this week. Believe in yourself as much as we do lovely good lady 🤗

⚘🌱