DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

Doolhof · ‎03-03-2018

Right now I feel like I don't have the energy to do either. Just existing is difficult enough. I've been trying to "float" this one out but the Black Dog is right there trying to drag me under.

My Psychologist tells me to embrace the depression, to accept it, to make the most of those rotten days when you feel like you can't do a thing. To just live with it and the sting of the depression will ease away. If I don't feed it, it will give up.

I must be doing something wrong as all that seems to do is escalate how horrid I feel, I break down in tears and feel like "what is the point" this monster is winning.

Depression. BPD. Stress. Suicidal thoughts. Maybe I do need to find ways to embrace these issues before they totally destroy me. But how?

Maybe I could try poetry, I've already painted a couple of pictures showing what is going on in my head, maybe more paintings or drawings might help get the muck out.

I'm just so tired and exhausted. Mental health issues suck!

Fighting it is exhausting. Trying to embrace it is soul destroying.

ACCEPTANCE! Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE! Think it ran away with HOPE!

Wishing you all a sense of acceptance and hope!

Cheers from a battered feeling Dools

startingnew · ‎02-05-2018

HI Mrs D

your day sounds loveley and what nice ladies inviting you out with them and more often too. i hope the pain clinic goes well for you tomorrow an can provide some more support and assistance for your aches and pains.

oh what are you studying (if your able to say)?

Ggrand · ‎02-05-2018

Hello Dools,

Your day sounds wonderful today, I'm pleased that you did go out with the nice ladies, after not sure whether or not you were going You ended up going and had a lovely time, with another invite....oh..yeah..the yummy lemon tart..mmmm...

I hope the pain clinic your going to tomorrow can help you ,

Good on you for being kind and gentle with yourself by stopping when your pain started up..You need to look after yourself the best you can both physically and mentally..

You always bring a smile to my face when I read your posts, your struggling so hard both mentally and physically yet you always seem to be able to put a bit of humour into your posts..

Wishing you luck for tomorrow Dools,

Warm and caring hugs,

Grandy

Doolhof · ‎03-05-2018

Good Morning Everyone,

Right now it is trying to rain here. It hasn't happened for so long, it is like the sky is trying to make up its mind if it really wants to rain or not!

Busy day for me today. I will be off tot he pain clinic, I think we are having a chat with Dr. this morning, not sure really. I can tell you more later. Catching up with a friend who lives in that area than home to start the next lot of homework.

My study is on caring for the elderly, a course my employment lady has put me on. My Dr. wants to know what care I will be able to give with my back condition. I did mention to the Employment lady I had to give up aged care due to increased degeneration and pain levels escalating. She told me aged care facilities now have lifting machines. I asked her how she thought the people got in those machines in the first place!

Hopefully the study will be diverse enough for me to find a role where lifting is not required, as the course does seem to cover a lot of support roles besides just physical caring for people.

DB my usual Dr is back again next week, I have an appointment booked to see him. Will see what he says about the ticker business. The chest pain seems to have settled again so that is a good sign. Problem is the issue doesn't always present itself while I am at the Drs!

Yes, it is good for me to stop doing physical work when I know it is hurting my back. In a way It is a kind of self harming for me. Why I do it I don't know!

Chloe it is a bit like you pulling out your hair. Why do we do these things? Why do we feel the need for pain or to harm ourselves? For me I know it is the mental health issues I have and also my low self esteem and feeling like for some silly reason maybe I don't deserve to be happy or in a good place so I harm myself.

Chloe, I hope you will find ways to believe you do not have to do those things. I now try to be more aware and change what I am doing. If I am abusing my back in the garden, I sometimes stop, ask myself what I am doing, than find something more pleasurable to do.

I might pickup the hose and water the garden, nurturing the plants, doing something good. Are there things you can put in place at home to help you when you feel like that? Could you give yourself a head massage instead or brush your hair, or do something totally different to distract yourself?

Are you getting help with your anxiety from a professional? Sorry, I haven't caught up with your thread to know the answers to this.

Cheers, Doolsy

Doolhof · ‎03-05-2018

Hi Again,

Startingnew, I mentioned my study in the above post. I raved on so much I ran out of characters! I'm trying not to be nervous about driving to the pain clinic. Thankfully I know the area I will be driving to as it is close to where we used to live in the city.

It was lovely to be with the ladies. They are all a lot older than me, it was sweet watching them share walking sticks and holding each others arms for supporting walking down a short ramp and than out to their cars.

I will let you all know about the pain clinic later. I had to fill in a 20 page questionnaire that I will hand over to the lady organising the group today. I don't even know how many participants there will be.

Grandy thanks for the kind message. (Thanks all for your kind words) I had a bit of a hissy fit with my husband yesterday, I apologised profusely afterwards. He told me he was used to me reacting that way. Oh dear. Not good at all really!

It is tough feeling like there is a battle going on all the time within my head. I do try the embracing and acceptance thing. IT is interesting how just one more thing can tip the balance though.

I've realised I quite often feel lost in the afternoons for some reason so have been trying to find ways to fill that time meaningfully with activities. At present we have very noisy road works going on right out the front of the house. I have tried lots of ways to block out the noise including rather loud music when my husband is not home and earplugs.

The vibration of the machinery is hurting my ears and giving me headaches. It is good I am going out today and will help out in the Op Shop on Friday seeing as I can't do it today. That will get me out for a couple of days. I have planned to do my study in the evening once the trucks have gone so I can think.

Sometimes I need to be creative and flexible. Oh dear. Another long post from me!

Cheers all from Dools

Ggrand · ‎03-05-2018

Hello Dools,

Sorry your not doing to good..💐 Maybe a little bunch of flowers to brighten up your day..

The roadworks would be very noisy. Don't they take ages to complete the job..I remember going into our major town here..over one hour away..roadworks we're everywhere the trip took nearly two hours one way...I went back in two months later and still there..lol I haven't been back since over two years now...There probably still there...

Good luck with your studies this afternoon, Do you wear ear plugs when your studying to block out the noise?

I hope your day turn out to be an okay day Dools.

Warm and caring thoughts,

Grandy.

demonblaster · ‎03-05-2018

Always a pleasure reading your posts Doolsy please don't worry about long ones we care about you and want to know how you're going

Sorry I meant to say also how lovely they want you to go to more social outings, I don't they'd be as taken with you as we are. You're a breath of fresh air

All best with your big day and hope you enjoy your visit with your friend. I remember filling out a big questionnare too with pain spesh.

Take good care of yourself lovely lady

Lovely sunny day here I'm yet again going to sleep again and will walk sarvo. Hope you do get rain.

That's right getting from bed or chair into the lifting machines.

Care about you very much Doolsy glad your chest pains settled 🌹 and regular GP back.

Chloe_M · ‎03-05-2018

Doolsy I am yet to see a professional about anxiety depression etc, however am seeing the GP on Monday for a referral.

those alternatives to pulling sound like a good idea. Might give them a try. Only problem is that it's mostly at school, can't brush my hair in the middle of class. Will think on it. I usually have a hair elastic around my wrist that I twist and play with, also pull back and flick it against my wrist.

hope you had a good day xx

chloe

startingnew · ‎03-05-2018

Hi Mrs D

good luck with your studies, im sure youll do great esp having some knowledge already too. there is indeed lots of new inovations but as you said to get into those chairs/lifts/etc someone still needs to help them i wish you well though and send my best wishes re studying and making things work.

its ok to be nervous going to new places, since youve already been im hoping you remembered to take a few deep breathes when you were getting extra nervous. how did you go today? i hope the rest of your day was good too and were able to get into your garden provided the rain stayed away long enough.

you said you are feeling lost of an afternoon, perhaps then is a good time to study for a little while. do you ahve any other hobbies like knitting/sewing/other crafts or anything else you like that could help pass a little bit of time?

urgh how noisy are those roadworks! i hope they bugger off soon and you can get some peace once again.

sending hugs and positive vibes xox

Doolhof · ‎05-05-2018

Hello Everyone,

Special greetings to Grandy, DB, Startingnew and Chloe,

The rain came along and scared the road workers away, so guess they will be back gain next week. Yes, I will be trying out different ear plugs. It will be wonderful to have our dirt road sealed when it is finally finished. They are making the road wider as well.

The Pain Clinic went okay. I walked in there and nearly walked right out again! Talked myself into staying. The first session was basically what the clinic is all about and some basics on dealing with chronic pain. There should have been up to 15 of us, only 6 showed up! I felt sorry for the facilitator of the group!

I do need to work on that period of the day when I feel lost and confused. I saw an Activity Diary in a book I have been reading, so will try to implement that idea and structure in things to do, enjoyable, study, work etc.

Some afternoons my whole body aches so much I just can't push myself further, that frustrates me some days, just another thing I need to accept.

The rain here has been wonderful! The garden looks wet! Even the fuzzy leaves of the geraniums have been washed clean by the rain! Everything looks sparkly clean.

I'm trying to appreciate the fact I can do some study that will help my job prospects, I just need to stress less over doing it. It really is ridiculous how stressed and anxious I can make myself before I even turn the computer on! It was not my idea to do the study, but the employment ladies.

After 2 months of studying I have still not had any work marked. I tried to phone the course people about that yesterday, had a recorded message saying everyone was at a meeting and they would call back. I wonder when that might be! Last time they called back after 3 working days.

I was also stuck with one module and wanted assistance, guess that will have to wait as well.

Cheers all from Dools

Doolhof · ‎05-05-2018

Hi Chloe,

All the best with the Drs. appointment. Is someone going with you or are you going alone? Depending on how you feel about conversing with your Dr, you can always write down what the issues are and hand the Dr what you have written.

I'm needing to do a little research on anxiety myself as mine seems to be escalating lately!

Do you wear your hair up at school? If it is long enough could you braid it, that would make it harder to pull out I would imagine. Yes, I don't think brushing your hair in class would be acceptable.

I have heard of people wearing a band around their wrist, that is a good idea.

Hope the Dr is able to direct you to someone who can help if you need to chat with a therapist of some kind. Do they have counsellors at your school, a Chaplain or someone?

All the best, cheers from Doolsy