Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[Redhuta]

Thanks Dools.

I have decided that this is it and that I have decided that I will not continue to hope and wait that my husband will be something he will never again be. I think the actions of the last few days made it crystal clear that I am never going to win against depression. Its okay, as I think I have mentally prepared for this for years but I can no longer hide our dysfunctional relationship any longer. I opened up to my family about my reality and it was so sad as no one suspected. I have protected and enabled him for so many years that I think I started to believe the picture of normality I portrayed. My psychologist believes he as simply shut down emotionally which I feel he has done for years however now he is doing it not under the same roof. He wants the happy family but without me as part of it. He wants to come over everyday to see the girls but not havethe emotional attachment and this cannot go on further. I am making plans to move out in the next 4-6 weeks into a place I can afford independently and then once he does get work he will be able to start paying me child support. My main concern is to have myself and my daughter in a place that is our own and that we can begging to live our new life.

I cannot put his needs before myself anymore and I hope he maintains his therapy and medication. I can no longer feel guilty for him. I am so fortunate to have a pretty strong support network and that I am in a position that I am able to make this move.

Its been so comforting to just be able to come in here and write my feelings

[Doolhof]

Dear Redhuta,

Wishing you all the best with your plans and endeavours for the future. It is wonderful to know the community here and the forum have been beneficial for you. It certainly helps to have a place where you can be listened to, accepted, acknowledged and so much more.

Unfortunately depression can be a devastating illness, not just for the sufferer but for all around them. It would be fantastic if support, counselling, medication and a healthy lifestyle were all that were needed to make a person well again!

Maybe at the moment your husband is unable to do any more than he is right now. That is the horrid thing with mental illness, it can make you less of a person than you certainly desire to be.

Having plans and ideas on how to move forward will help immensely. I'm certainly wishing you and your daughter well and do so hope your husband can receive the professional help and assistance he requires and he too can change his life around.

Your relationship will be different from now on, you can set healthy boundaries and learn a new way of communicating.

Letting go of what you had must be terrible, you will be going through a kind of grief process for the marriage that has been lost. One step at a time and your new life will emerge like a butterfly.

All the best, cheers fro now from Dools

[quirkywords]

Redhutta,

I have been with you from the start of thispainful journey and have seen you gain more confidence.

I can sense the relief that you made a decision and have a plan for the future even though it is a different from the future you had imagined.

Mrs Dool, has given s very helpful reply so I won't repeat her suggestions.

This is a safe place to write ones feelings down and hope it has helped. Feel free to post any time you want as you embark on this next phase of your life.

I am glad you opened up to your family and you have a strong support network.

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Hi,

I just wanted to pop in and update on how things are going. Just got back from my physiologist and I cannot emphasis enough how important it is to have this sort of support when dealing with a partner and mental health issues. Although I come home and I am emotionally exhausted I am able to make choices based on fact rather than emotion and also identify the manipulation of a toxic relationship.

My situation has remained that we are separated however I will move into a smaller place with my two daughters as soon as I find a place. I only communicate with my husband via email as its gives us a better way to discuss what is relevant rather than the emotional side of things. I feel this way I am able to prevent both the guilt trip he puts on me and also to avoid any arguments. My daughters are doing okay and I actually have made sure both have a mobile phone so their dad can contact them all the time without having to go through me. We have set out assigned days for him to take them out and spend time with them.

I feel a sense of relief and even though financially and emotionally its a lot harder for me I feel a sense of relief that I am able to regain my “happiness” again....well not at the moment but I know in the future. At this stage the past looks a lot scary to me than the future and for many years it was the other way around.

I do worry about how my husband is dealing with things and I know whatever happens I am not to blame. I cannot change him and I have accepted that he is what he is and that we are better apart.

I suppose I had to go through all of this to get where I am and I know everyone is different. I feel exasperated thinking of how hard I tried to make my marriage work and how I was fighting a loosing battle. I am hopeful that one day maybe I can find true love however its not a priority. Work wise I am grateful for the support and also the opportunities that have suddenly opened up for me. Its almost like my energy has changed and I feel empowered that I am able to carry on holding my head up high.

[quirkywords]

Redhutta

tahnsk so much for your detailed update. As I have been following your journey from the beginning I can see how much you have learnt and how strong you have become.

You have emphasised the importance of your psychologist and you can see it has helped you make decisions.

It is helpful that your daughters have mobile phones so they contact their dad and that he has time with them.

I think your last sentence sums up your story so far.

"Its almost like my energy has changed and I feel empowered that I am able to carry on holding my head up high."

I am glad you have a plan for the future and have hope.

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Finally we have our new place organised and we move in on the 23/2. The situation between my husband and me is civil but solely on text/email. We don’t even say hello of good bye when he is here to pick up the girls.

I avoid any conversation as I know he will either have a dig or try and make me guilty about something and I don’t want to engage.

He had an awful situation with my eldest today as he argued with a bus driver( I am not surprised either). She told him how it makes her feel when he has an outburst and he told her to “shut up” and he is not changing. She called him crazy and weird and he told her not to spend time with him. She was shattered and of course he apologised however she caught a bus home and I have let her go and spend time with her girlfriend. She is almost 15 and she should not be having to deal with this. He text me telling me she needs to “toughen up”. I did not respond as I find it very condescending to speak about her like that after everything he has/and is putting us through. I wish he could “toughen up” . She is so sad and she said she doesn’t understand why her dad has changed so much. He was never like this to her and they were so close.

I was actually with my physiologist when my daughter called me in a panic to tell me what has happened.

I am heart broken for my daughter however I am not going to force her to spend time with him.

I cannot understand how he is now doing it to her. She has lost all respect and my physiologist said this is very detrimental for their relationship. It may take up tp 6 months for him to realise what he has done and take ownership says my physiologist.

[quirkywords]

Redhutta,

thanks for your update but I am sorry and sad that your daughter was upset by what your husband said.

It is very hard in your daughter to see your husband like that. It must be most upsetting. Does she know he is not well?

It would be very confusing for her to see her dad change so much. He must have realised he had upset her because he apologised but he is not aware of how much he has hurt her.

I can see it is very hard for you too see your daughter so distraught from what her father said,

How are you coping with this. Did your daughter feel better after time with her girlfriend.?

Sending kind thoughts

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Hi Quirky,

My daughter has known about his depression for a few years now. I had to tell her so she could understand a bit better when he would have his outburst . I think its particularly intense now and I am sure its the fact that we are apart and he probably feels a bit out of control. I understand that being a teenage girl is difficult as parents in general are embarrassing however she also suffers from anxiety and I think a bit of social phobia. The irony is that both my husband and I were planning while we were away to get her into some support groups so he knows she is very sensitive and he was so empathetic as he said he suffered too as a teenager. My daughter feels his apology was sarcastic and insincere. I can understand her as I have been in the exact situation as her.

As I was with my physiologist I discussed my plan to not force her to see her dad. He agreed to let this go for a bit .Currently he has one day to take them out. I am fearful he has stopped taking his meds and I am sure he has stopped seeing his physiologist.

I am going to take one day at a time and I hope my husband will reach out to her to try and make it up to get.

[quirkywords]

Hi redhuttaThanks for your reply. It helps explain a few things.

The fact that when you were away together and your husband and you were planning to get your daughter into a support group and then he behaved insensitively towards on an outing, shows he may have stopped his medication or some of it. I was thinking is when I read your previous email. The thing is often people feel better and then think they do not need their medication not realising it is the medication that is probably helping them feel better.

I think taking one day at a time and looking after yourself and your daughters is a good plan. Your husband has support but I m concerned about you as you have a lot to deal with.

Mental illness affects so many people and not just the person suffering but all the family and friends.

You are a very caring mother and you have compassion and hope for your husband.

Do you need ore emotional support or anything else that you need to cope. I think you are doing an amazing job.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Thought I would come an update. My daughters and I moved in this weekend to our new place and have settled in very well. Such different energy and to make things even better we live in a lovely complex with many children including a child from my daughters class. These things help my children with the adjustments its simply another adventure I keep telling them.

I also over the phone had a great one hour conversation with my husband letting him know I was not angry with him anymore and that I understood (with the help of my psychologist and distance from him) why he has been so angry,depressed and ultimately had to leave. It was the best conversation I think I have ever had and he listened,agreed and even commented that his therapist also had explained this all to him. He is currently not seeing his therapist due to the fact he was out of work however he will return shortly which I think is great.

I explained to him that I was doing great and moving on and that I plan on starting to see other people because I did not want to be alone. I think he was taken back however did not say much. He has come over to help me settle in and we even went out to dinner on Saturday night with the kids. I hope things stay like this as its been great to see the old person he was. I dont know what the future will bring however at this moment we are all in a good place I feel. He knows I want the best for him and I think that means a lot to him too. Maybe the distance was beneficial for all of us.