Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[quirkywords]

Redhuta

It is so wonderful when people take time to update and there is positives news,

You have become stronger and learnt so much since your first post.

I wish everything goes well but I feel you are resilient now so can cope with any ups and downs.

the conversation with your husband sounds so constructive and helpful to you both.

Take care, and post any time with updates as I really welcome them.

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Just once again coming to gain some support as I have been literally knocked over by my husband. All had been going well with both of us getting along etc. He is still living away however I honestly thought in my heart that in time he would come back. I did the set him free to find himself and gave him the space. Yesterday he sends me a text to let me know our eldest she is 14 was approached by another girl in her year at HS asking her if her dad was who was chatting with her mum the night before on Tinder? She was so blindsided she was hocked and messaged her father. He promised her he would not contact this woman again and then told me. I am shocked after 4 months he is on Tinder? Worse he was talking about our daughter and where she went to school and coincidentaly she was in the same year. I called him last night and I told him exactly how I felt and that I honestly thought he would come back. He told me after much digging by me that he has changed and he cannot see it working between us. I am so emotionally fragile at the moment I am scared I am going into a dark place. I had two ex’s that cheated and its my worst nightmare. He insists it was only chatting and that he has not gone out with anyone? He did not want any intimacy with me and told me he wanted to be on his own and now after 4 months he wants to meet someone new? I feel like I have ripped off the band aid that was healing so well. I am guttered.

[Redhuta]

Wow what a roller coaster and happy to say after many soul searching, talking to my husband and my psychologist I am happy to say things are back on track. The tinder issue was a lesson for my husband and for me too. Although it was one day of a quick chat with another woman, it has been a wake-up call for both of us.

We are going to continue to work on ourselves and put our kids first and take one day at a time.

I can see such a difference in my husband in his clarity and his ability to argue fairly. I have expressed although arguing is never a pleasure however it was such a breakthrough we argued without his need to attack me personally. This is groundbreaking. He has come a long way. This separation has been a painful yet necessary blessing. I am taking one day at a time as thinking too much of the future at this stage gives me anxiety. I need to accept that my need for stability at the moment I need to keep to myself to enable my husband to get to the place he needs to be emotionally.

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta,

Just noticed your last couple of posts. Certainly does sound like you have been on quite a roller-coaster ride! It is good you have been able to discuss this with the psychologist and that you are trying to find ways to move forward.

I don't really know what to suggest for you, only wishing you well in trying to make the most of what you do have, to be strong, to look after yourself and the children, to find activities and interests that will help you feel good about yourself.

You mentioned arguing with your husband, do you think if that happens again, you might be able to ask him to stop for a moment, take a few deep breathes and to try again. Arguing can be so soul destroying, but also revealing!

Are there ways you can get your feelings of anxiety and panic under control before it flares up too much?

Wishing you all the best, cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Redhutta,

I am sorry I missed your last two posts, I am travelling and sometimes dont get the internet connection I need to post.

I am sorry you have been upset by your husbands behaviour just when you thought things had settled down.

I have just read your second post and am please things are back on track. You have turned what could have been a deal breaker into a wake up call.

I am impressed by your strength and resilience. You have such insight into your own needsa and into your husbands behaviour.

You are getting help from your psychologist and also talking to your husband. It is great you both agree to put the children first.

The fact you acknowledge he has come away is very positive. You are very compassionate and caring towards your husband. If you read your two posts and compare them, it shows how resilient you are and how understanding and ready to be understanding and forgiving. You reall should be proud of yourself.

It is good you are able to come and post and update and tell us when things are not going so well. I know many are reading your posts even if they don't post and you ill email others in a similar position.

Feel free to keep posting as I am interested in your journey.

Sending kind thoughts

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Thanks Dools and Quirky,

Your words of wisdom are very comforting. Thankfully the dust has settled and after much talking and soul searching it seems that we are in a much better place. I feel guilty about some of my behaviour which I am not proud of too like limiting his time with our daughters etc which I know was an attempt to hurt him. I apologised for that however as my psychologist says its my attempt to hurt him so he can feel the pain I am feeling because to me he shows no indication he can understand that ( which I know he does feel). I have laid my cards on the table and expressed that I am willing to work on this relationship and that I do love him however I am waiting till he is ready. I have noticed he is at ease. He is very upset of the pain he caused me and my daughter by his “tinder” episode which was quite innocent and naive however my husband is a very trusting person and it seems the woman he chatted online with is probably not a mentally stable person either. She got her 15 year old daughter to snoop about my husband by instructing her daughter to approach mine and ask about him? As my psychologist told my daughter and I this is not what a mother should be instructing a daughter to do. I think my husband is embarrassed and told my daughter he has deleted his profile and would never go on again. This has all hit me like a bomb, I feel broken. However I think I needed to have this wake up call. On a positive side my husband has been very nurturing towards me. He is over helping me with the kids a bit and encouraging me to go to the gym etc. I know he loves me too.

[MishnLinc]

Hi Redhuta, I have been reading your posts and they are very similar to mine in that my hubby had a breakdown and left home and that was 2 months ago, I still hold out hope that he will come back to me/us. he is not having a great time and I feel the separation is not helping us. He says it isn't me but its hard to not take things personally and we are suppose to be building a house which is causing me no end of stress and anxiety. Anyway, I am truly happy for you and that things are going in the right direction. Its my one biggest fear as well. Take Care Mish

[Doolhof]

Hi Mish and Redhuta,

Hope things work out for you both one way or another.

I sometimes wish I had the guts many years ago to move out, be it temporarily or permanently. Still here. Still plodding along. Trying not to think "What If?" and making the most of what we do have.

Good communication is so important so hard to achieve at times.

Wishing you both well.

Cheers from Dools

[Redhuta]

Mish- Its very hard however one thing I have started doing is really pulling back and not asking him too much. I do talk to him but my Psychologist has said that my need for stability is what adds to my anxiety. This is why I try and not ask him too much about his plans, what he is doing etc unless its to do with the kids etc.I am trying to get back to the gym and trying to look after myself and also to control my thoughts which is so hard. I do ask him for help with the kids or things around the home and he has been only to happy to come over and I think it has helped him to realise that I do need him in a non emotional way if that makes sense? My psychologist said that he hoped we could work it out however had we not had this break in his opinion it would not of resolved. I do accept that as painful as its been. My husbands lease for his studio apartment ends in May and this will be a test. I once had a therapist that gave me the advice of just getting through each day at a time when you are in a dark place. Thinking of the future is what can be gives me so such anxiety that I have to really focus and try to steer my thoughts to now.

Dools- Its been such a wonderful support to have your input as you have helped me get an insight into how my husband may be feeling. My psychologist says the same thing and constantly tells me to realise that my husband thinks so differently to me.

[Doolhof]

Dear Redhuta,

Thanks for your kind words. My husband and I live in the same house in separate bedrooms. We have not been intimate for over a decade, his choice not mine. I have no idea if he has ever had an affair, I know I have thought about it but not put those thoughts into action.

He will go on overseas holidays and leaves me home to look after the place and the pets and thinks that is an okay thing to do. I stay here, so maybe part of me thinks it is okay while another part of me hates it.

I guess we care for each other in ways that I appreciate, but not always in ways that I desire.

I can never change my husband. I am be able to influence him a little, ultimately it is his choice how he acts and behaves. I can change my reactions and feelings and need to work on those at times, to be thankful for what I do have or consider how life might be if I was on my own.

We do all think differently from each other. I also think differently from how I thought an hour ago sometimes! Imagine how crazy it is trying to keep up with that let alone how two people are thinking at any given time! Ha. Ha.

I do wish you well though, no matter what happens in May. Sometimes relationships do become something other than they were previously.

Cheers again from Dools