Depressed Husband is affecting the children

Redhuta · ‎19-11-2017

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

quirkywords · ‎29-12-2017

Redhuta,

Thanks for keeping us posted with the updates. I have been following this thread as you know from the beginning.

I know you have helped many other people by sharing your story. I can see you have learnt a lot since your first post and are still learning. You seem stronger now and more certain.

It is good that your husband is making some progress but it will take some time.

Your husband is trying to work things out so he is confused, I think maybe at times he feels ready to be part of his family again and then at other times he is scared and wants to be alone.

Keeping your distance and waiting is sensible.

I am glad you had some time together on Christmas Day.

I hope you have a relaxing holiday and all goes well, you deserve it.

All the best for 2018.

Quirky

Doolhof · ‎29-12-2017

Hi Redhuta,

Happy New Year to you and your family as well. I hope the holiday goes well and that you and your husband can learn a new way to communicate with each other.

Quirky has sent you a lovely reply, I agree with all she has written. All of this will take time. You do have this opportunity to try and make your relationship how you want it to be, and a chance to build yourself up as well.

I believe that as long as your children are told they are loved and cared for no matter what is happening between the adults, they will be okay. We all need a sense of belonging and feeling cared for. Hopefully you can learn to do more of that for yourself.

It is something I need to remind myself often, to care for myself!

All the best for the holiday and 2018! Cheers from Dools

positive-vibes · ‎02-01-2018

Hi Redhuta

I firstly wanted to say thank you. Thank you for starting this thread and your open and honest post. Im am living a very similar life to what you described in your 1st post. My husband of 11 years and our 2 kids, his depression, drinking problem and angry outburts have almost pushed me over the edge. Im alone in all of this as I dont know who to turn turn about his 'secret' life style at home. Yes in public or around family is is a different person, happy, playing with the kids acting liek a good dad and looks after me, at home its a different story and I hate it. Ive put up with it for 12 months and it just seems to be getting worse. So Im glad I could read your posts and see how you have handled it and read about how you feel as I know in a few montsh time I will be in the same boat. Im just worried about our young kids. I dont want to remove their father from their lives, but at the same time I want to be happy and not scared any more, and I want the kids to know there are better men out there in the world! As my children are very young toddlers, I still worry my actions of asking their dad to leave to realise 'you dont kow what you have until its gone' will confuse the kids and upset them too much OR cause my husband to go into worse depression and push him even more into alcohol. Please keep us updated. I hope you enjoy your holiday and I hope your hubby keeps getting help and goes back to his old self xx

Redhuta · ‎08-01-2018

Positive-Vibes- I totally understand your position as its so hard when your children are so young.

Now that mine are 14 and 9 its a bit easier in ways however also harder as they understand so much more . I think we all know when the time is right for any choices we make.

Our holiday was lovely and as a family it was wonderful. My husband was great and no arguments except the ones with our 9 year old which are “normaL” and more discipline related. There was no romantic involvement whatsoever between my husband and I and although it was very confusing as we were sleeping in the same bed I did not pursuit it. I felt the time was best to just enjoy the resort and time away together.We arrived back today and he has gone to his own apartment. Its very strange as I feel like we are in limbo land? I see my physiologist on Thursday and I will try and get some clarity as to what steps I should be taking to move forward. I feel I will be getting to a point where I need to know where our relationship is going? I think he will feel rather lonely now that we have all been together for almost 2 weeks.Maybe that time apart again will give him clarity. I also found out throughout this holiday he has had some major issues at work which he had not discussed with me? I asked if these contributed to his outburst and ultimately his move out? He said most definitely which again baffles me why he had not discussed this with me previously?

I feel at the moment time is something I am able to give however I also want some security for my future so not sure how long I will be “waiting” for thill it is an issue for me.

quirkywords · ‎08-01-2018

Redhutta,

Thanks so much for keeping us updated.

I am so pleased you had a good holiday. Sometimes people have major issues atwork but may not realise how they affect them . Maybe he could not tell you as he did not know how important the work issues were.

People improve at different rates so it hard to know what will happen. I can understand you want to have answers and a time frame so you can work out your future.

Quirky

Redhuta · ‎09-01-2018

Thanks Quirky.

I suppose for me the time frame is important for two reasons. One is of course financial as the cost of him having his own place has meant quite a chuck out of our finances. I will have to make a choice where if this is a long term decision like we will divorce I need to look at ether renting or purchasing another smaller place so they are big decisions that take time. I find it bafflingly how he does not take these aspects into consideration and yet he is a highly intelligent man? He has applied for a few new roles as he is so upset at his current role which sadly he had only started 6 months ago. The other reason is that I want stability and as I have mentioned in the past I am not good at instability. At the moment its not an issue however I am going to discuss with my physiologist this week how to manage this.

Redhuta · ‎10-01-2018

Just to add more stress to this situation my husband just let me know that he has been fired due to the issues and of course he was one week off his probation period so they asked him to leave before they have to pay him more. Its very surprising however he normally finds work fast as he is very specialised . My issue is that he seems to just not worry about the practical things like myself. I just got off the phone with him and I explained that it makes no sense to be paying rent for the other apartment. He seems to think its not an issue yet? There are no guarantees and if he does not get work for 3 months how is it logical to sustain something when there is no income? Not sure if depression makes logic not clear however I work in finances so of course I go into a different mode. We are basically throwing money away. If he is so desperate to be away from me he has friends and a sister he could stay with and not pay ridiculous rent. This is were the narcissism comes into it I think and its very frustrating and I just cannot understand this as he cannot see how this affects not only myself but his daughters.Its time likes this I really wonder why I tolerate this 😞 and how much longer I can go on.

Doolhof · ‎10-01-2018

Hi Redhuta,

Yes, depression can muddle up your way of thinking big time. Your husband may not be able to "see or comprehend" the financial issues that you are so aware of.

He may not be able to think about it, to deal with it, so he may be hiding his head in the sand.

There have been times when my depression has been so bad that even thinking about brushing my teeth has been so overwhelming I have been in tears of frustration.

You may have to take the bulls by the horn so to speak and sort out where you want to be financially.

Is it possible for your husband to move in with a mate or his sister literally?

Could you write out the finances and present it to your husband in black and white so he knows exactly what is happening. Just make it clear and simple as possible if his mind is overloaded.

Just a few thoughts.

Cheers from Dools

Redhuta · ‎10-01-2018

Thanks Dools,

I have had to do this and be very clear about my plans moving forward to. I was so concerned about his feelings etc that I am compromising my financial security. He was very reluctant to talk about it so I emailed it to him. I have expressed that I will have to be more independent financially which is a side Of me he has never seen.

Doolhof · ‎11-01-2018

Hi Redhuta,

Some people are just not responsible with money and finances or may have no understanding of what is required to keep a household running. Or they may just live for today and not think about tomorrow.

My husband is like that, live for today and don't worry about tomorrow. Spend all of your retrenchment money in one hit than wonder later why you have no money to pay the bills.

There have been many times I have wanted to leave but have no where to go and no money to help me! Due to health issues I have not found work for over a year. It is terrible being stuck in a situation you don't want to be in.

Hopefully your husband will take his blinkers off and see the reality of your situation and you are able to look after yourself and your children.

I can well understand how easy it is for people to get into financial struggles. When relationships break down, jobs are lost, it can all get very messy! Sounds like you have plans though so that is good.

Cheers to you from Dools