Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Dearest Mouse

I am so sorry that your friend passed away so suddenly. Such a shock and now knowing you will not meet again. This is what I find when someone dear to me dies. I will not see them again. I suspect this is the reason for people having difficulty in accepting the loss of a loved one. To admit the death is real is to feel the permanent loss of that person, and it hurts like hell.

Wow! Weekly couch times and with your wife. This is so unexpected but absolutely wonderful. Thursday is my next couch time. Exposure to many women, especially those that wish you well, is having a beneficial effect on you I hope. And catching up with sister after eight years. A great bonus. So much is happening for you. Dive in and revel in this life change. I am so happy for you I would love to give you a big hug. Since I cannot do this, and would probably frighten the socks off you if I did, I am sending a virtual hug. I'm sure you can handle this. Men can cry without losing their dignity.

How is the mindfulness course going? I practice mindfulness when I remember and of course it is part of meditation, or at least the meditation I practise. I just looked up your course and almost got led astray by following the links to other courses. I do love learning new things. Perhaps I will explore later. Sensitive book, so pleased I found it and that you are rejoicing in its content. It's also doing great things for me. "I love it when a plan comes together" from the A Team series on TV. I can never remember the names of characters but it was the leader who used this phrase.

Your daughter sounds so loving and caring. How old is she, and does she live with you? As she texts you I presume she does not live with you. Though the texting habits of the young things is beyond me.

I will be leaving shortly for the first of my volunteer roles. Back at lunchtime in time to get ready for my ladies home group session. We left bible study and spiritual books for this last part of the year and instead we are reading 'A Question of Integrity" by Susan Howatch. I have never read any of her books and I am surprised at the content and depth of writing. It's about the Anglican church in England and focusses on four people and their interactions. Interesting for my group and we have been discussing our own lives to some extent, based on the characters in the book. Sounds tricky I expect, but we have found it fruitful.

Rejoicing with you.

Mary

[Cornstarch]

Hey Mary,

It takes years to recover from abusive relationships. Some people are never the same. It is so sad. 16 years is a long time. Do you think you'd like to meet someone else?

I'm not religious myself but over the years I have had religious friends. I think it's great that you have spirituality in your life, that is really positive. I wish something resonated with me profoundly enough that it gave me something to hang onto, but I just feel too damaged to the core.

Take care

Corn

[Cornstarch]

Hey Mouse,

I am sorry to hear about your friend. Aggressive, silent cancer is just horrible, and not to mention scary. It is such a bizarre feeling when someone we've loved passes. I still struggle going to funerals.

Don't be ashamed of crying. Our culture is lousy at grieving. There is very little group acknowledgement of grief after the funeral, and I think as a society this needs to be changed. If people aren't careful grief can very easily turn into depression, and the death of a loved one is often a pivotal moment is ones life. All sorts of behaviours can begin due to lack of healthy grieving. I'm sure you were a wonderful friend to have.

Its great that you and your wife are going to counselling together, that is really positive. Please don't fret about coming across as a dirty old man by replying to my posts. It was really interesting when I told my closest friends the details of my assault, the males felt compelled to apologise to me on behalf of all males. I'm telling you now, women can be just as abusive as men and just as messed up! Do not be fooled. Women embarrass me at times, I cringe at their behaviour, and seek refuge from the female psyche. Try being attracted to them, it's a nightmare!

You've been through so much Mouse. Your early childhood sounded hideously abusive. Your daughter is so lucky to have a great Dad in her corner. The strength she will draw upon just from that will put her ahead in life.

Take care

Corn xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Corn

Not sure what to call you as you appear to have several names on different threads.

Do you think you'd like to meet someone else? I have considered this in the past but come to the conclusion that living with someone again takes too much effort. I have my 19yo grandson living with me and I find that enough. I enjoy having my home to myself. My grandson spends most of his time in his bedroom, when he is not working, so in many ways I have the house to myself. However I know he is there and I need to take this into account. No leaving the bathroom door open for example. At least not if I want to avoid traumatising the poor lad.

It's 3:30 am and I am once again not sleeping the night through. Sad because I thought I had kicked the habit of nocturnal wanderings and solitaire on the computer. Getting a bit chilly so better return to my warm bed.

Mary

[White_Rose]

My dear Mouse

Where are you? I have missed our chats and your pearls of wisdom. I hope nothing has gone amiss at home or in your life. I have been most concerned about you. Please let me know you are well.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

I hope your insomnia is better and your sleep rich and unbroken.

I've been very busy and basically good, rather exhausted and suffering an energy crisis. I am so tired, and worn from this year. I wish I could hibernate through Christmas. Not a bad idea, it is my least favourite and most stressful time of year.

But otherwise things have been going so well I'm scared that its going too well, I'm not used to things going well for me and am wondering when reality will kick me in a tender area. I'll bet there is a name for that somewhere. Do I dare to hope? It feels very unsafe.

And how are you? how is your wonderful family?

All the best.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I so pleased you are back. I was getting a little worried about you. Wow! Good things happening for you. Yes, there is that sensation of looking over your shoulder to see what is going to hit you next. Doesn't always happen you know. Can you try to take it all on trust?

Busy/good/exhausted/energy crisis/tired/worn. Well I like the first two, how come the rest of the litany? This year has certainly been a series of ups and downs for both of us. Christmas is a family time but it is also a time to rest. Do you have extended family to visit or be visited by? These are the tiring bits. My Christmas Day will start by going to church and after lunch going to my eldest daughter's home as she is hosting Christmas this year. I do find it tiring but would not miss it for the world. I have continued to Sensitive and do I see myself. It's fashions a different meaning to 'sensitive' and is one I am prepared to accept. This is part of your problems with Christmas.

Can I ask, and will you tell me, what wonderful things have been happening for you? I am thrilled that something good is taking place in your life, but would be even more please if I knew what. Yes I know, just plain nosey. Well perhaps not plain. Tell me what you can and what you want to share.

I have a few ups and downs. Waiting for the police officer to come back from leave so I can get the statement finished. Had a couple of feeling sorry for myself days but I have noticed how closely they relate to my poor diet days. Now there's an eye opener. My hairdresser and I were discussing my improved hair health. My hair appears a little thicker and feels like baby hair. Best of all I have curls. Never had a curl before in my life unless cam via a perm. Apparently it is a side effect some women get from taking ...oh whoops I nearly wrote it in here... Anyway it's the medication I was prescribe by the medical oncologist. So there is an upside to breast cancer. Woohoo.

I am beginning to write a little more on the forum so I believe that means I am getting better. Anxiety is noticeably decreasing. Continue to take care of yourself.

Love

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry, I'm struggling. So many questions and so little time/energy. And I've been having problems logging in.

Very much looking over my shoulder, I'm not burdened by trust so I have ample fear I'm working with. Fear is my friend. Must get back to reading sensitive, it had completely slipped my mind. I saw the lady of the couch the other day and she dropped a bombshell, suggesting that both my wife and I actually schedule time for us together and individually. I'm such a scheduler at work, the concept of scheduling some non-work and me time was a bit of a "doh" moment. Will schedule some "Sensitive" time.

The wonderfulness is that my wife and I have reconnected, and I can see hope for the first time in so long. I know it is a start of another journey but we started, and that means so much to me.

Funny that you should mention diet and feeling down. Sigh. Yes, I've noticed that too, and for me exercise and taking care of myself. Don't you hate it that the health nut smartarses are right? Just want to shove a big mac into one or two of them ... supersized, with large fries.

Good to hear about your new curly hair, sounds nice. Sad to hear how you got there but A+ for attitude and finding a positive. Hope your cop comes back from his donut break soon so you can move on.

And nice to see you back on BB, I must schedule some surf time. just have to survive the evil horrorday season eh!

All the best.

[Cornstarch]

Hey QLD Mouse & Mary

I went away for a while and I have to be honest I'm not the most savvy navigator of the forums I lose track of who I've replied to and who I haven't!

Mary, just to be cheeky and challenge you and throw a spanner in the works, you don't have to co-habit with someone to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes delaying or in fact never ever washing their undies keeps the spark alive. You just never know in this life Mary, stranger things have happened.

QLD Mouse I am stoked yourself and your wife have turned a little corner it seems!

I have read your post with dismay, not in a patronising way, but the reference to an abusive mother and all of the emotions that come with that are just heart breaking. My Mum has schizophrenia and she was desperately unwell way before I was born. With my father she found herself in a household of domestic violence, coupled with parents that buried their heads in the sand when it came to her mental health. What this meant for my siblings and I was that there was a lot of unintentional neglect and blatant abandonment. She chose our father over us to feel safe and because her own father had rejected her, why wouldn't she be desperate for love. For the remaining time she didn't chose our father she was catatonic, staring blankly at walls and wandering around in psychosis. It affects little kids confidence and trust in other women.

Even though the logical part of my brain can reason her predicament I was still just a baby and unfortunately we get emotions if we want them or not, they appear to have a natural pre-inscribed order that is fused into our biology, we don't get to chose.

I could totally relate to how you describe people being scary. That's what so difficult when trauma, abuse and neglect is experienced from such a young age, it affects all relationships following that.

You've survived so much Mr Mouse. As far as I'm concerned you never have to conquer it, just managing is fine with me.

You would not believe my sunburn right now Sunshine State. Dermatologists would go Eek! And slap me with a soggy corn cob they would.

Enjoy ya evening xxx

[QldMouse]

Oh Cornstarch, laughing my ... off about the soggy corn. My mental picture of that is clear as a bell. I grew corn at one stage, still love it.

Thanks yes it is positive, I'm getting slowly less panicked at positive notions but fighting the horrorday season blues and sodding happy people. I wish I could hibernate until all this stupidity is gone and people are back to their normal depressed selves.

So sorry to hear about your journey, I think I understand how tough it is. I'm finding that understanding what happened, even some of the why, has not really helped me. My councillor says "yet" and we are still working so ... I could do with an instant pill solution to be normal. Oh boy could we sell that eh?

Thank you.