Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[Cornstarch]

Hey QM

Ive never replied to this thread but thought I'd push my way in.

I am sorry for your grief. Never think yourself an idiot for crying. Emotions seem to have a natural order to them if we like it or not. We try to escape them but no. My father was extremely abusive and yet I still cry for him and his passing.

you can chat to me about terrifying abusive women in childhood anytime. I have read your early posts and quite simply; they are soul destroying. Mess with ya head

Corn Crisps xx

[QldMouse]

Thank you Cornstarch,

I know what you mean, what ever happened they are still your mother, father, whatever and that bond means something.

I know I'm at a cross roads, my compass beaten up, really wondering if I dare to hope. I don't feel far from the desperation I had when I started this darn thread.

Sounds like there is a story in you too ...

Welcome.

[Cornstarch]

When you are little and have a brain like Playdough, malleable, and are raised in abuse you begin the believe all messages you are given are real and true. If you tell someone everyday that they are a piece of crap, you believe it. If you flog their pathetic little limbs the message is pretty convincing. Your friends aren't being abused so it must be personal. That's the logical conclusion you make when you know nothing else.

Then you grow up. Leave, and are left utterly perplexed. It could be decades later and you still feel 5 somedays

Dont be afraid to discuss despicable abusive women here because you're worried us women will be offended. A women tore my soul out. I'll never get over it.

When you leave an abusive situation be it childhood or an abusive partnership, we become really lousy at boundaries, trust, confidence and trying to come to terms with the fact a piece of our spirit died. Abuse can break the strongest most successful person you know if you give it time.

Did the person pass suddenly or were they ill for a long time

[White_Rose]

My Dear Mouse

Here am I feeling sorry for myself and you are coping with horrid things. When you say lost someone do you mean someone has died or gone out of your life? Either way I am very sorry this has happened. My poor mouse, I thought you were starting anew. What can I say? Can you talk about it? Not really being nosey, just want to help. How is your lady couch? Looking after you I hope. Please tell me you have not stopped going. This is someone who has done heaps for you and can do more.

Oh dear, I just realised I signed off my last post with my first name instead of Mary, my second name. Trying to be anonymous and falling flat when I get tired. I wondered what you meant with the Da Vinci code. I was rather tickled to find a church named after me but I did not intend to own up to it here.

Re the heat. I was born in the UK and lived in Birmingham for most of my life until I moved to London and met my ex. Weather definitely colder there. I went to visit my sister in Cornwall some years ago. She complained about how hot it was at 28ϲ and it was a lovely day with fresh breezes and definitely not humid. Perhaps it was as well she did not come to visit me.

Being at the cross roads can be good as you have a choice to move in the direction you want. How are you going to make the decision? By that I mean what process are you going to use? The old pros and cons works well I find.

I am also weary as you can see from how long it has taken me to reply. I have been at a workshop all day. I made this arrangement before all the crap started and decided to go because it would be good for me. Please take care of yourself dear Mouse. How is the book club going? Getting more of Highly Sensitive read? It may help you with your decision.

Hello Cornstarch

I do most heartily agree with you about abusive relationships. I finally found the strength to leave my husband and have spent much of my time since learning to be me again. Not very easy and as you say we become really lousy at boundaries, trust, confidence and trying to come to terms with the fact a piece of our spirit died.

Cheers both of you.

MARY

[Cornstarch]

Wow Mary. So hard. You will feel lost at sea for a while. Your sense of self will be shaken to say the least, and you will feel disoriented. You have to expect that.

No-one goes into marriage hoping it will end.

So much lost hope and disappointment.

But no one goes into a marriage asking to be broken and afraid.

xxx

Look after yourself Queensland Mouse xxx

[Ellu]

Dear White Rose,

I am new to the forum and only read your post this morning. I have had bi-polar disorder since I was 15 - I am 63 now. It sounds as if you are doing a fantastic job with your children and grandchildren. I don't have any grandchildren yet (I have 4 children in their 20's) but it is wonderful how children can ground you when things are not going so well.I have attempted suicide in the past, but would never do it now because my children would be devastated. I am currently well, but in the past have been through medication, hospitalization, ECT and psychotheapy. (Still taking medication).

In my experience it is important to have a regular routine and a list of things to do when you are feeling down (meet a friend for coffee, read a good book...). We have an illness - that doesn't mean that we are not worthwhile, valuable people. When you are feeling well, write a letter to yourself describing all the good things about you and all your achievements. That is something to look at when things go wrong.

I am so glad to meet another older person who has been living through mental issues for a long time. We are the survivors!! I had a terrible childhood and adolescence, and worry about all the young people posting and what they are going through. I have been there too, but look, I am 63 and still going! Best wishes, Ellu

[Ellu]

I am new to this forum, but I want to offer you all some words of encouragement. I have had bi-polar disorder since I was 15, and I am 63 now. In between it has been a roller coaster ride of depression and mania over all those decades. I have had medication, hospitalization, ECT and psychotherapy (currently seeing a psychiatrist and a psychoanalyst). For the past two years things have been very dificult - hospitalized for 2 months earlier this year. At the moment I am feeling well, and hoping the medication will keep me on track.

What I want to say is that DESPITE this history of mental illness I have managed to have a career (now retired), travel the world and marry and have 4 children now in their 20's. I have built up my own list of coping strategies which work for me, and have managed to get to this ripe old age despite periods of illness when I have been totally out of it. I would like everyone to know that there is a future; make sensible choices when you are well. When I was well once I wrote a letter to myself, describing all the good things about me and telling myelf that the bad times WILL pass eventually. This was mainly to help me with suicidal thoughts when I was sick. It sounds corny but it helps me. When I am depressed it is impossible to think in any way positively about the world.

I really feel for all you young people struggling with mental illness while trying to make a life for yourselves. I want you to know that there IS life with mental illness, and provided that you follow the guidelines for looking after yourself (see beyondblue website or youhealth professional) you can lead a full and meaningful life and one day you will be 63 and looking back on your struggles but also on your achievements and some wonderful times in your life. The world is a wonderful place, with so many opportunities - it is just the depression that makes you feel hopeless and useless, and it will pass. Eventually it always does, and then you can get on with your life. Trust me, I've been there and I know.

Very best wishes to you all..

[White_Rose]

Hello Cornstarch

I left my husband 16 years ago. It's taken most of that time to get back on my feet and start to believe I am worthwhile. During the past five years I have had two major events happen, one being the police thing. I thought I was past being hurt but apparently not. If I did not have my volunteer work I think I was would have been lost a long time ago. As it is I tell myself I need to get up in the morning because I have commitments.

Decided this morning not to go to church, went back to sleep, woke and told myself it was now too late, then realised it was 6:05 am, plenty of time for the 7:00 am service. Now I am so pleased I went. My faith really means a lot to me, but sometimes I lose sight of it.

Spent yesterday at a train the trainer workshop to get up to speed on some information/training modules the Anglican church in Brisbane is rolling out. I was a workplace trainer for 20 years and sometimes I miss that. Mostly though I enjoy being retired as my day is mine to fill as I wish.

Hello Mouse

Yet another lady in your life. Can you cope? By my count that makes three of us all wanting to help you. Be afraid, be very afraid. Where does that line come from? It must be a quote as it popped into my head quite neatly. At the w/s yesterday we were given given a huge reading list and I want them all. Apart from not having sufficient cash to buy them I have no storage left and I'm sure I don't have enough reading time. Sigh.

As it's nearly Christmas, sorry had to use the word, I think I will make a list of the books I most want and give it my children as a subtle (?) hint. My eldest daughter tells me we are all celebrating that day at her home. This is because her daughter (6) told her mom this was what she wanted. Glad we got that sorted. Saves me from having to ban the ex from any gathering at my home. I hosted last year and he was a complete ..... so I told the kids, never to bring him to my home again. Still have to see him elsewhere.

Started shopping for that day. Started because my youngest granddaughter is six next week so I thought I may as well see what else I could organise. Now this is what families are for, to stop you sitting on your bottom and feeling sorry for yourself.

Read a big bit of Sensitive. The ahs kept coming.

Please take care of yourself and stay strong.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Ellu

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's great to have you on board and thank you for your message of hope. It's by telling our stories that we not only help ourselves but help others as well. I find writing here on BB so good for me. A great deal of the time I feel I am writing to myself looking at the difficulty from a different perspective.

I hope you will continue to write in here, either on this thread or other threads. Perhaps you may like to start a thread of your own.

I totally agree with you in finding activities, especially when we are feeling a little down. I have several volunteer jobs which keep me busy for at least three days a week. Minor details like housework, shopping, and meeting friends get done as and when. I certain cannot be accused of sitting around.

Love to talk to you some more so please write in again.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary, Cornstarch, Ellu,

My this suddenly got busy. Trying to catch up, yes that gentle sole died way too early and the world is a little bit darker, it was very quick, miss-diagnosed that he just had a stomach upset to ooops he is actually riddled with cancer. Struggling with the fact that he will never be ever again, shit there I go crying again. The shocking realisation that the world and life just goes on, its all a bit strange.

Mary, pleased to make the connection to a lovely Scottish church for you.

You will be pleased to know I've stepped up my couch time to weekly at the moment, and even better than that, my wife is coming too. A lot of changes. I dare to hope I and we can be fixed. And shock I'm communicating with women reasonably coherently (I hope).

I am reading many things. My couch pointed me at a free course on Mindfulness and I'm most of the way through week 1. It is free ladies, google "Mindfulness for Wellbeing.. etc" its at Future Learn. The sensitive book, oh brother that does resonate, yes, the "ahs" just keep on coming, thank you so much for that.

Crazy busy, just reconnected with my sister after about eight years, or she did with me ... whatever.

Books, yes I love books as does my daughter. She has a memory elephants aspire to, so when she see's a book from an author she knows I read she typically sends me a text to confirm then buy's the book. Or just buys it. I'm way behind my reading list, I need to give her some of them back to wrap for Christmas. Oh Christmas, such a traumatic time, everybody in party mood and the anxiety that brings. Another one of my least favourite times of year.

Welcome Ellu, you are clearly another amazing, inspirational lady. Your story looks like it has great depth and struggle in it, it really does help to hear that people can survive through such adversity. I so hear what you are saying about young people, I was recently shocked by a young lady I had worked with taking her life. Pretty much the last person on the planet I would have suspected of suffering depression and anxiety, and pretty close to my daughters age. It made me so sad and worried for my own daughter, she is pretty deep. I wonder where she gets that from.

Some of the stories from young people here are gut wrenching all right, I encourage you to comment. It feels a bit creepy for old guys to comment, so I rarely do.

All the best to all of you.