Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[Cornstarch]

No worries Mr Mouse.

'Understanding' has it's limitations, as does telling the story. The therapeutic benefit of telling the story eventually reaches its saturation point unfortunately. There's only so much release that can give.

I pretend that I don't get very stressed at Christmas but my siblings and I all get very stressed. We feel guilty because no-one likes to be the Grinch That Stole Christmas but unfortunately childhood associations are triggered with really painful emotions. Some of the worst Domestic Violence we experienced was in the school holidays. Dad wasn't an idiot, if you hit your kids in summer they don't have to go to school on Monday.

Also historically, Mum is always unwell at this time of year, but especially now after my Dad took his own life. His final Christmas was quite a performance so that imagery is firmly infused in our brains. My brother in law is extremely placid, has been with my sister for 21 years, and not once in my life did I ever see him intervene when my Dad was going off his nut, but he did that last Christmas Day! Memories hey.

I hope yours is as painless as can be expected in an imperfect world. If you design that pill you will be a trillionaire!

Corny

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

I started to reply to you yesterday then discovered not all the letters were coming out on the screen. Finally gave up and closed up the shop. Then I realised I needed to transfer some money to my working account in order to pay the repair shop for the injuries to my car. Poor thing! Now it looks terrific and I am much poorer. In the end I stole grandson's keyboard and plugged it in to my computer and managed to get on line briefly. But that doesn't describe the hassles finding which lead for the keyboard was plugged into my computer. At one point I was disconnecting the mouse. However, that particular crisis is over. New keyboard $8. How good is that.

Heard from the police officer. That man has had his first hearing in the magistrates court with a second scheduled for 13th. Haven't finished the statement yet. I wonder if the officer is delaying it in case HE pleads guilty right at the start. Charges of fraud and forgery.

It's good that you and your wife are getting back together. So pleased to hear that. A long journey maybe? Getting panicky about things getting better, it's a familiar story. Good for you that you are stepping out on this one, albeit slowly. Understanding what has happened is difficult I find. So very painful to over old ground. However, my lady of the couch has been able to relate the events to why I respond as I do. Still painful and I have started having various flashbacks. Can't breathe. The road to find me is becoming strewn with rocks, avalanches, deep water and pits of various sizes. And I am getting tired of it. I want that magic pill you spoke of to Corny.

Tonight I am babysitting two grandchildren while their parents go out on the razzle. As they will not be returning until late I am staying the night. Driving home at midnight does not appeal. Trouble is I like my own bed.

My mind is beginning to close down and I want to write to Corny.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Corn

Sorry to take so long to reply. You mentioned not being able to keep track of your posts. When you get on to the forums, click on My Posts at the top of the page. It will bring every thread you have contributed to with the latest response first. The other way is to click on New Posts, but if there is no recent post on 'your' threads it will not come up so conveniently.

Yes I know there is no need to co-habit with someone, and in some ways that would be idea. Trouble is you have to find someone who would like to be with you. I'm not much of a catch, being old, ugly and over weight. I know me too well to believe I could be a good partner, full time or not. But thanks for the thought.

I haven't seen you round the forums lately but that may be because I have not been much in evidence. Slowly getting back to writing. Trouble is I am not sure any more that I have anything worth offering. All this other crap in my life seems to expanded to fill every bit of me.

I am sorry your Christmas will not be joyous as these occasions should be. My mom died on Christmas Day in 1999. She was 90 when she died. I do remember her every year and wish she was here because I want someone to hold me. Still, no point in wanting what I cannot have. She rarely hugged me when I was a child I realised at the my last visit to my psych. Apparently this explains why I am so partial to a hug or two and why my ex-psych got away with it. Is that co-dependency?

Do you find you get overwhelmed by sadness at significant times in your life? November was always a horrid time for me which I put down to the changing weather, especially in Brisbane where it gets so humid at the drop of a hat.

Did I see you mention the Sunshine State? Does this mean you share our glorious state and weather, or were you here on a visit?

[QldMouse]

Hi Cornstarch,

Yes, I agree about telling your story getting very old. For a lot of my story I feel that way now.

Your Christmas stories sound just horrible, I feel for you poor thing. Domestic violence makes me very sad. Lot of other emotions, but lets stick with sad. The horrorday season does continue to suck, yes memories ... I really hope yours is calm and happy.

Hi Mary,

Wow, a lot going on. Sounds like a good tactic by the cop, if he can encourage the a-hole to plead guity then everybody benefits, I'll keep my finger crossed for you.

I hear you, why is the road ahead always strewn with obstacles and always up hill? Does make you tired.

Bye ladies, limited energy and bandwidth still. Sorry.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

So pleased to hear from you. Maybe it's Brisbane weather making you tired, I am exhausted. Too much heat and humidity. This is the time I think about returning to the UK. I know it's not going to happen but I can fantasize about windy days, building snowmen, slipping on the ice... no, no I don't mean that one.

Police person on holiday but I was told HE has another hearing in January, not sure why. No doubt I will be told when the police guy returns from holiday. It is really making me anxious and afraid. I think I just want it all over.

Most unusually I am lost for words. Take care of yourself Mouse and you to Cornstarch.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

Nice to pop the head in the door and see friendly writing, thank you. Yes the humidity may well be sucking energy, this time of your is a bit of a black hole for me at the best of times and this year is going to be no exception. I too come from a colder climate, but don't usually miss it. The heat is nice, the humidity not so much.

Your policeman will do his thing in his own good time I expect, and I'll bet nothing will change that pace.

I hope you have a pleasant break.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dear Mouse

So long since we chatted regularly but this may be a good thing if you are getting your life back together. Coping with the humidity a bit better by using the air conditioning. I always have these battles about whether it's really hot enough to turn the air con on. Now I've decided, if I am uncomfortable it goes on. I do have the buffer of solar panels on my roof feeding power into the grid so less concern about cost. Just had this quarter's bill and have $223 credit from my feed-in tariff. So my bill was reduced to $93. Yeeaay! Next quarter will be the crunch bill.

I am feeling a great deal better. Support is great and I am finally able to look at what has happened without ducking for cover. It's a great step forward. My grandson is on holiday from Christmas to New Year and I presume he will stay with his parents. I love having my home to myself.

After church tomorrow I will be spending Christmas Day with my family at my eldest daughter's home. Lovely thought, no cooking or washing up, but I will need to distance myself from the ex. Such a nuisance.

I hope your Christmas will be better than you have been anticipating. I wish you a happy and blessed Christmas and New Year. Start 2017 bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I hope you had a lovely Christmas and are winding up to a wonderful new year on the horizon. It sounds like it was going to be great, and I hope you enjoyed it. Nice to hear that you are getting a good balance of "you" time and family time, and especially great to hear your support network has kicked in.

Loving hearing about your solar success, that is great. Pretty happy with mine, but yes this is the time for the evil bill to arrive very soon. I do have a dead aircon unit that died just before Christmas (figures) but the weather has been pretty mild, so it is a wonderful incentive for fresh air ... lots of it.

I does seem like ages since we were regularily chatting, I supposed I have pulled myself back together quite a lot. But the Christmas period has caused a large stress and frustration load (family) on several fronts, so I feel trapped and just on hold weathering the storms. I think I'm looking forward to the new year with new hope, but I can't get there yet. Family issues have caused a lot of hurt and frustration as usual, and that wont abate until next week. In that I am so looking forward to 2017, but I have my normal sense of forboding.

In what little time I have for myself at the moment, I've been boyed by reading other peoples stories and experiences. There are some amazing people here, so very wise (including you at the top of that list lovely lady). I continue to learn more about myself by reading what others have posted and hearing the penny drop in the back of my head.

I've started doing more online courses and am studying again, I love to learn new things so that has to be a positive. It is nice to be interested in something again.

Anyway, heading for a ramble down the country path, actually I'd love to be able to have a ramble down a country path. Another long story.

All the best to you Mary, and anyone else reading this. Hanging high hopes on 2017.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

What a chatty post. Thank you. Sorry your Christmas was not wonderful. Mixed time for me. As I was leaving church a young man offered to escort me to my car, giving me shelter from the rain with his large umbrella. Then he saw my tyre was almost flat and offered to change it for me. Deed done and I was very pleased he was there. My son had a look at the damaged tyre and said I had a nail in it. I will try to get to the tyre place today.

I drove to my daughter's home, well almost, before I realised I had not taken the presents. Turned round and went home, collected the parcels and started off again.

The ex was very much in evidence and I think he tried to be nice. Both daughters and youngest son told him off for giving me wine. Even a small amount sends me to sleep or I get cranky. Wonder why I don't say 'no' all the time. I usually do,

Since then I have been at home and doing little. A friend of mine phoned to tell me she had broken her wrist on Christmas Day. Slipped on the wet grass. Twice this week I have driven her to hospital for some treatment. Wonder why I am now tired.

So pleased you feel you are making progress. Once Christmas has gone you will hopefully find some calm. What are you studying? How did you go with the Mindspot course? I thoroughly enjoy studying and have been considering going back to uni. Fees are of course the obstacle. I wonder if I can defer the payment and get it paid out of my estate when I shuffle off this mortal coil. What do you think?

Great stuff browsing the forum. I have tried to get back to writing to people but decided I can only write a few replies at a time as I get too emotionally tired. Still, I am getting well again and having more enjoyment in my writing. Some very sad stories out there. Glad you have found the posts helpful. Success stories and the journey stories of others are so good to read. And if you can relate to these and find some help for yourself it's even better.

Are you going to see your lady of the couch anytime soon? I think I have an appointment at the beginning of January and one at the end. I have basically recovered from the shock and grief of a few months ago. Still cannot properly understand it nor can I reconcile the two personas. He gave me a lot of comfort and I miss that. But I suppose that's where lack of training shows.

I wish you all the goodness you have been striving for and that 2017 will be fabulous and rewarding. Look after yourself.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Yes that may have been chatty, but sadly all the words dried up. Working on breathing now, then communication. Sorry for the break in transmission. Sometimes things get so disappointing you just want to go hide. I would like to have hope for this year, but the start has not been wonderful. Slowly getting there, back to the couch on Saturday, lots to talk about.

Great to hear about your Christmas, sounds like you have had a good time and are well on the way to a great year.

All the best.