Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I'm sorry you went through all that with smoking and losing your first wife. Thanks for telling me the story though.

With helping others, I think I want to work in some sort of aged/disability/mental health support worker (I would do it for free, the money is just a nice bonus). Tonight I'm going to apply for some support worker jobs I've found on Seek. I also thought maybe about talking to more people here on the forums, I've been meaning to do it for a while but keep getting distracted. What were your ideas?

This is just a random idea I thought of but I think I mentioned I maybe want to work as a paramedic or emergency doctor/nurse/support worker. Anyway, I thought I might enjoy working as a crisis support worker for mental health for various reasons such as, I can stay calm in intense situations, I have the life experience and I think I'd find helping others in similar situations to what I've been in really fulfilling.

Anyway on another topic, I've been thinking about moving out, I have the willingness and skills to. Three things stopping it. First thing, money. I don't have a job and especially during this time with coronavirus, its pretty hard to find a job, and I'm also studying at TAFE so its a bit tricky. Secondly, I don't think I could keep myself safe. Thirdly, I don't have a license (but I'm working pretty hard on getting my hours up to get it). Any thoughts or ideas around helping me get to independence?? One idea one of the support workers at the sub-acute clinic mentioned was maybe living at a youth mental health residential place. It's pretty much a facility in my town for 16-21 year olds with mental health issues (not acute), they support daily living and life skills, there is staff there 24/7 and you can stay there for up to 12 months. Might talk about it with my case manager tomorrow.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hanah~

The most imortant thing I can think of is your safety. A cycle of parental home to hospital, afterwards straight back to parental home and so on would be harder than having the sub-acute as a sort of half way house. Not impossible, just harder.

With sub-acute gone what are the alternatives? Do your parents have suggestions?

The barriers to moving out right now, safety, money and TAFE are real ones, as maybe is Winnie and loneliness. Perhaps the youth mental health residential place might be a partial answer - can you find out more, particularly from a resident's point of view? The look of the building is not the same as life inside.

Any of the occupations you listed has tons of possibilities, if I might suggest you could do as you had been thinking, and answer some posts here, try it and see how you go. The big thing to remember is not to try to fix problems -you can't- but to understand, support and encourage based on your own experience.

It makes the world of difference to someone coming here for the first time just to be acknowledged, accepted and understood. It helps you too, as you know not only are you assisting others, but you have to think of their troubles, which I find takes some of the emphasis off mine.

Plus there is no pressure on you like a regular job, you do what you can and that's it. You need time out then you take it. Physically there are few demands.

Your sister crying is love, which sometimes hurts as well as sometimes feels joyous. I'm sure you would have answered her questions as gently as you could. You cannot shield people completely. They in tun need some idea of how things are so as to understand and maybe be a support, even when relatively young.

Please give Winnie a cuddle for me.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

With sub-acute not really an option at the moment there isn't much there to replace it other than a longer stay in hospital or just hoping for the best and sending me home. There is one other option of being transferred to the closest under 18 mental health ward which is 4/5 hours away. But I think that'll be a last resort if its even an option. So far my family and mental health team are taking it a day at a time kind of reevaluating the situation every few days to a week.

I know quite a bit about the residential place but I don't really know anyone who's been in there or is currently there, I don't know how I'd find out. I just don't think I'm ill enough to go there.

I'll have a look through the forum tonight and see if I can chat to someone on here. Maybe I'll just have a look. I remember writing my first post on the forums and receiving lots of love and support from the people on here. I'm really glad I've found this place.

We didn't go too in depth when talking to my sister, just bare minimum kind of facts and easy language for her to understand but she still got emotional. Maybe it'll get easier over time.

Winnie loves cuddles,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I am really happy to hear that you are going to have a look around here and see what you can perhaps join in on, there are a few threads at the moment that I think you could really be valuable on and share some of your journey, your feelings, add some insight, if you feel like it tho.

I am sorry that your sister is too feeling some of the pain you are going through, I think it is only natural that she would be sad as she loves you so much, and probably can not really understand the feelings that you experience either, it is such a personal thing.

It sounds like there are some plans in place for you for some more care, it is so tricky atm with the illnesses with COVID, I am hoping that they can get this under control sooner than later and people do as we are asked and stay home.

I am trying to work from home tomorrow although I feel like I will be sucked into doing Tik Toks and breaking up arguments with kids ....

I am so happy to be chatting with you Hannah and send you my love and my strength, your fight is a credit to you and your strength is a real inspiration to me.

Hugs

Sarah xxx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I had a quick look around the forums, but because I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment I've decided I'll wait until I feel a bit more stable.

This COVID-19 stuff only seems to be getting worse. I feel bad for all the people that have lost their jobs and livelihoods because of it. It's had a big impact on a lot of people my age. People just starting full-time work and supporting themselves have had a big knockback. All my friends studying have had to get everything put on hold and possibly have to do extra study in the future to catch up. And all my friends that wanted to explore the world this year are stuck in their house for a few months wasting their gap year away. I've had a mix of all three of those things affect me. I can't find a job and my bank account is slowly disintegrating, my study has been partly put online partly postponed and my plans to go to Tokyo for the Olympics and travel the world to see my family is out of the picture. Oh well, not much we can do about it other than stay home and wash our hands.

Working from home will be tough! Especially with kids home causing mayhem!

I'm glad we can chat on here too. I'm trying my best but its really hard, the future seems so bleak. I don't know how I'm meant to feel happiness again, or be free of these negative thoughts and urges, or if I'll ever feel like my life has value.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Yes the virus will have made its mark, but it bears no relationship to your personal worth. Your life has value to your grandparents, parents, sister, freinds plus Sarah and I here on the other end of the line, even to Winnie. I'm sure there are more as well.

All that discounts something important, your example is followed by many. You will never see or here of them, but you are making a difference, providing encouragement and hope right now. There is no need to post to them, not unless you wanted to, just be.

So find what you can to snatch joy as the moments go by. Seek them out, they are there

"Old pond . . .
A frog leaps in
Water’s sound"

Croix (no I did not write that haiku, Matsuo Bashō did)

[sadie66]

Hi There,
Firstly you should be so proud of yourself for continuing on and facing your battles. Year 12 can be stressful at the best of time, but even more so if you aren't able to function at your best capacity. I would recommend being completely honest with as many people as you can around this. Talk to your teachers, friends, family see what support is available. See if things can be structured in a different way for you to alleviate some stress. Don't try and have your buckets overflowing, it wont help you. If you need a break, take a break the world will keep spinning. Put yourself and your health first. When you are feeling really down try and make decisions to engage in things that will make you feel better. Find something that works for you, whether its colouring in, listening to music, call a friend. Please don't sit in silence with your thoughts and beat yourself up further. You deserve a life full of happiness and I promise you will get there if you keep on going! X

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I have been thinking so much about you and wanted to jump on and say hi, see how you are doing, see how this whole time of change is incorporated into your life too. It is a really strange time and I can see it is impacting people your age, but really I think it is impacting all of us in so many different ways. I feel so blessed we have these forums and that we have the support at hand to see what others are doing at this time and to have the benefits of what they are doing to fall back on. It is a great time to be apart of this community.

That is really tough that your plans to travel have been compromised, that the Olympics have too be postponed, but I guess it really is just that, postponed and not cancelled, there is still the opportunity to do these things, just not right now. My daughter was going to San Francisco in September with my dad and she is really upset this is cancelled, but I have to remind her that while it is really disappointing, it is not cancelled forever, just now.

How are you feeling at the moment and how are you managing the down times? I know you said you were struggling to see that there would be happiness again Hannah and I am just hoping that you have some hope too, that you know even if you don't feel that you have value, you are sooo much more valuable that you will ever know xx

Chat soon

Sarah xxxx

[Idontevenknow]

Dear Croix,

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond, you'd assume that I'd be replying more because we're all stuck at home with nothing to do but I think its my low mood that has got in the way of me getting the energy to get up and write this message to you, sorry.

That's a nice haiku you mentioned, I remember trying to write them in school but I never really understood how, it's such an art.

I'm trying to find joy in the little things but it seems harder than ever at the moment being stuck inside. It's having a huge impact on my mood. I'm assuming its because I learnt that emotions come wit urges, and urge that comes with sadness is to isolate and feel down which is exactly what coronavirus is kind of forcing me to do. My anxiety is also loving the isolation. It will all just make it a lot harder to get back out of isolating and into the world because I'm so comfortable in my sad little corner.

At least I've got a lot of supports. I've got my case manager, my DBT people and you guys on here. Luckily I'm still able to contact everyone online which is nice. I've been moved into a new DBT group with the 18-25 year olds now. It's a bit scary because the group is so much bigger and so far I've only met them all through the online platform Zoom. Hopefully I get more cofortable with them as time goes on. My case manager has been pretty concerned about me over the past few weeks, she or one of her colleagues are checking in with me pretty often. I feel bad for causing such a fuss.

On some happier news, I turn 18 in 10 days! I'm very excited despite having to celebrate with only one other friend. I'm sure when this stuff all blows over I'll be able to go out with a bunch of my friends and celebrate and enjoy partying! I can't believe I'll be 18, an actual legal adult!

How are you going with the coronavirus?

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sadie,

Thanks for your kind words and support. I'm trying my best to reachout for support. I'm lucky to have so many people who have listened and support me (it did take a while but I got there). I have some things that I try to do to take time for myself like watching funny videos, doing wordsearchs, dancing and playing the keyboard. This battle that I'm fighting is pretty relentless but I'm trying my best, even if that is just waking up and facing the day.

Thanks for your support,

Hannah