Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I'm glad to hear that your time away was all good.

Things have finally kind of gotten cleared up with the transitioning stuff. I am moving from the child service to another government service. It'll be a slow transition and they're going to try and make it as smooth as possible. Because of this, I can stay with my current DBT therapist, but she's leaving in a few months. By then I'll be about halfway through my second round of DBT. She said I should be smoothly transferred to another DBT therapist. There are pros and cons. One of the pros as you mentioned being getting another person's perspective and ideas around DBT as well as solidifying the knowledge from the first round.

I'll look into puppy school, I didn't think of those things you mentioned. Winnie has been in a few more of my TikToks, they are always funnier with her in them!

I'm not doing well at the moment. I'm in one of those downs. In my appt with my DBT therapist today we kind of made a plan for the next few days and how I can cope. Now I just have to follow through with the plans we made. It's hard.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Sorry, I've got to make this short, Real Life™ is making itself felt, it is not you.

First yes, it is hard. Having a plan helps.

Second if you get the chance to hang out with anyone, maybe someone you met at TAFE, then do so. Not to talk about your troubles at all (tempting) but maybe to see what they like, what they enjoy and think is fun.

I'm only telling you what you already know🙄

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Sorry for such a late reply, I've had a crazy few weeks.

I came close to attempting again but called an ambulance. I ended up in hospital for six days then I was transferred back to the sub-acute and I've been here for about two weeks. I don't know if I'm getting better. I feel like I'm going around in circles, suicide attempt, then hospital, then sub-acute, then home, then another attempt. I feel like it'll keep going like this until eventually one of my attempts works. I'm feeling really hopeless and helpless at the moment. I guess one good thing is that I'm here at the clinic and they are able to keep me safe and provide emotional support 24/7. The future is so daunting at the moment, I can hardly see what I'll be doing and feeling like in an hour let alone tomorrow or next week or next year. I'm so up and down as well, I keep falling into "crisis" emotionally and its so draining.

They stopped one of my medications, they're instead thinking about putting me on the oral contraceptive pill to see if that has anything to do with the pattern of my moods. I don't think it does but its worth a try.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

It is great to hear from you however I am so very sorry that it comes with the news that you are really struggling right now. I am so very proud of you for calling an ambulance, the battle of attempting V's staying safe V's wanting the pain to stop ...all the emotions and pain all together at the same time, and I am so very proud that at that time you were able to grab on to hope which lead you to call the ambulance.

I am glad that you are feeling safe and that you do have the 24/7 support available to you. I am just so very sorry that you are going through this Hannah. I can hear the pain in your words and I wish that I could just give you a hug and make this all go away, if only it was that easy.

I think just focusing on hour by hour is probably a good thing, you can have some wins that way and see that you are making it through days and that you are ok. The future is a daunting thought and I can see how much pressure that it would put on you to have every thing figured out when at the moment you are really struggling.

Even if you manage to shower and be dressed and even just brush your hair and move out of bed is a great start. I am just so happy you are ok and that you are safe Hannah.

I am glad to hear too that you are open to trying new suggestions too and let's hope that these feelings are hormone related and that the contraceptive pill might help with that, I really hope so more than anything, I am sure you do too.

You are such a beautiful person and you deserve happiness.

Huge hugs

Sarah xxx

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Welcome back! That's twice you have called hte troops -well done! Even if it does mean a week or so in hospital then a couple more in sub-acute. What do you find to do here?

You are right about it being a sort of loop, though in your case there is a period hen I think your intelligence, reason and resourcefulness come to the front and for a while you are not squashed flat by depression.

So, in these good times can you think of any delaying tactics to slow the onset of the down? If you can slow it down a little once, maybe the time after you can do more, it's just a thought.

I found humor helped, in fact it stopped me completely one time, I laughed at something, and that surprised me a lot. Looking after somebody in need helps too.

That reminds me, how's Winnie?

so you are gong on he pill, dunno if it will help or not, maybe. In the end something will. I remember shortly after it became available my GF had changeable moods as a result. It was quite difficult to get hold of then, most women had to pretend to be married to be allowed to have it - thank goodness things have changed since then.

So what have you got you can tell me that's just for interest's sake? Grandparents gettng on ok? Sister? What else?

Croix (ハッピー)

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your love and support.

I'm still at the sub-acute clinic at the moment. I have a family meeting today to see where to go from here. I might be discharged today or maybe next week, I'm not really sure. I'm just kind of terrified about the future. I still don't want to stay alive. I'm filled with regret for calling that ambulance, I don't know why I did it.

I've had a few good days while being in the sub-acute but a few bad ones too. Just trying to ride the wave at the moment.

I'll start the pill in a week or so, hopefully it goes well.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

The hospital was boring, sub-acute has been alright, better than staying at home. Sub-acute is good because I'm able to carry on with daily life like appointments and TAFE and things while still kind of staying in a hospital environment. I've also met quite a few new people at the sub-acute which has been nice.

I've tried to slow it down but I don't really know how. The only tactic that's worked is telling someone that I'm going down and making a safety plan, but then again sometimes that doesn't really work out either.

I try humour sometimes, its a good distraction but probably wouldn't stop me from doing something. I've been thinking more about helping others. I already try and do that sometimes with my family and help them with stuff but I could reach out more and see what I could do in the community.

Winnie is doing well. Had her second haircut the other day and now she looks very different but still very cute. I've been able to see her a few times over the past few weeks. She's always very excited to see us if we leave her alone for a while.

My grandparents are pretty good at the moment as far as I know, just trying to stay away from the coronavirus. My sister is alright too, getting into grade 8 now and knuckling down a bit. She's actually coming to the meeting today so my case manager and psychiatrist and stuff can have a bit of a talk to her and answer or ask any questions. Nothing much else is happening in my life other than a bit of coronavirus panic.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

It is lovely to chat with you, I can hear how sad you are and I am sending you all my love, support and strength. I hope that the meeting goes well today and that they agree to let you stay awhile longer seeing that you don't feel particularly good and that you are feeling regretful that your life was saved by calling the ambulance. I can hear your pain and I am so very angry that this damn thing called mental illness never even existed.

I know that "the future" is filled with so many expectations and so many pressures, please try Hannah and put that to the side for now, you can think about these things another day. I think I have said this to you before but at 45 I still chop and change what I do and what I want, I don't think it is ever clear cut for anyone, let alone a young person who is essentially straight out of school. Let's just do it hour by hour, recall the things that you have said before bring you joy, Winnie and her sleeping under your bed, maybe some writing and some reflecting on the good things you have done with Winnie. Maybe some reflecting on Japan and remembering the things that made you laugh, or that special time you got to go to Mt Fuji with your family....

Keep riding the wave Hannah and I am so glad to hear that there have been good days too, there are many good ones to come.

Sending you my love and support, we care so much.

Sarah xxxx

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Thank goodness for sub-acute. Maybe you might think me selfish, misguided or not understanding but I'm glad you called the ambulance.

May I tell you a seemingly non-related story?

As a kid I was sucked in by all the glamorous ads of smoking. Sophisticated, cool, in charge, worldly. I was around 7 or 8 and of course started. Back then you could buy a kid-sized packet of 5 Woodbine brand cigarettes. Just right for pocket money I guess. No sales restrictions back then.

All my life I smoked - heavily. When a policeman I'd offer someone I was talking to a smoke as a friendly gesture. When studying for promotion they helped me concentrate, in social situations they were a part of it. They helped me relax off-duty too. In short they became, I believed, part of me, my identity and woven completely though my life

I did try several times to stop, but the damage to my health and wallet was simply not enough reason and I always gave up giving up and went back. I ended up concluding it was not in me to give up the smokes.

That's how it stayed until after my first wife passed away very young. I met a lady whose husband had died and we got together, we had a lot of shared experiences, and were very 'compatible':) We married.

By now I had a chronic cough, caused by a lifetime of cigarettes, and every time I coughed my wife's face went completely white. She was terrified though she never said a thing. Her first husband had died of lung-cancer.

I could not bear to see my wife that way and gave up smoking, cold turkey and never smoked since. It's been over 20 years now and I won't start again, the urge and desire to smoke, once an integral part of me, has gone.

Maybe you can see where I'm heading with this. It took concern for another to change me, my own welfare was not enough.

You have been turning over in your mind helping others, which puts one in a different place in life. I think you would be very good at it, not only all your experiences -which nobody should ever have - but the way you write and talk - plus your honesty and attitude.

I think you would enjoy it, worry over it, have a purpose, end up respected as an expert.

Do you have any thoughts abut how you might like to do something in the help area? There are all sorts of avenues. I might suggest some , but would like to hear your thoughts first.

I've gone back to asking serious questions, haven't I?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

My meeting went alright. I spent a bit of the meeting time with my psychiatrist, case manager and sister discussing mainly with my sister, my mental health situation and answering any of her questions. She nearly cried at one point so now I feel bad for dragging her into this mess. Then I had a chat with my psych and case manager alone then my parents had a long chat with them. They ended up discharging me because they want to clear out the clinic to be used as a coronavirus isolation unit (which means I also won't be able to go back there for a while). I'll catch up with my case manager on Monday to see where I'm at.

Since then, most of my time has been spent being depressed. The physical symptoms are so strong at the moment that even if mentally I'm feeling okay, I physically can't really get up and do many of the things I want to do. I've been trying to do things that I enjoy or used to enjoy but it's exhausting. I'm also just trying to get my life back together after being kind of isolated for the past few weeks.

Coronavirus is also stressing me out. Not scared about getting it (I'd physically be fine), more scared about the effect it will have on the future. It's making everything so uncertain, even more uncertain than it was before, after I'd just left school.

There's a DBT quote thing that goes "everyone is trying their best, but they can also do better". I'm trying to tell myself this to keep me going.

Hour by hour I go,

Hannah