Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Croix]

Dear Hannah 花~

Arigatō

(thank goodness for translation programs:)

I was delighted to read you description of life with your grandparents, like mine they hold a very special and comforting place in your heart. mine lived by the sea. I'm glad they live in an older area, to be in huge blocks of flats seems somehow a smaller life - I guess it depends on what one is used to. A 'tiny house' sounds wonderful.

Thinking of them, the family and your cousins -plus the food, is an anticipation to be savored -and used.

Our Little Sister is a Japanese movie released in 2015, there are enough clips on YouTube to give you a pretty good idea of the picture it presents of Japan, with both modernity and tradition trying to coexist.

It's more fun talking of non serious matters sometimes

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

Wow, your posts with Croix and your Japanese italics are awesome, how fun and it is getting so close to your trip, I hope you are feeling full of excitement at all this really awesome family time that you are about to have, how very special.

When I was reading your posts I kind of put on my "mother" hat and realized that I probably do the same thing to my kids and that is try so very desperately to "fix" situations, and it did make me reflect and sit back and think of my parenting. I don't know how much of a good listener I am and I can see that this is so very important. You have raised a really valid and important thing here and I am going to do some reflection on that and even have a chat to my kids about the way in which I support them. I think as a parent you do "need to fix it" for your kids and you don't want them to hurt or be in pain, even though these are necessary to learn resilience and this is apart of life,but you just want everything to be OK and happy for your kids. I can see now how the power of listening is far greater than trying to solve the problem. Thank you Hannah.

We set up a treasure hunt last night at a family party we had, my kids did it for the little kids and I forget how beautiful and innocent youth is, the looks on these small kids faces, no care in the world....we need to figure out how to harness this and never lose it.

Hope you enjoyed your beach day and pilates today with your mum, awesome.

Hugs

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Sorry about the late reply.

My grandparents, although there is a bit of a language barrier, have played a very important role in my life as I've grown up, especially while living with them in Japan. They really support the Japanese culture part of my life while respecting my English/Australian side. They make sure I get the chance to do all the traditional Japanese celebrations when I'm with them.

I really do get the best of both worlds. I get to celebrate my dads side with Christmas and lots of love and pressies as well as Japanese New Year also with lots of love and a thing called Otoshidama. Otoshidama is where every adult is obliged to give every child they know a gift of New Years money. My cousins are always jealous because I get Christmas presents and New Years money and a feast to celebrate Christmas and one to celebrate New Year. I'm very lucky.

I'll look at some of the clips from Our Little Sister and see if I recognise any similarities or differences to my life in Japan.

Do you celebrate Christmas, and if so what does your Christmas look like?

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I'm very excited to go to Japan. I don't know if I mentioned this but mum also booked a few days to go skiing/snowboarding! It should be a lot of fun. I think I'm going to try snowboarding. I've done it once before and it was a lot of fun besides getting a concussion from falling over so many times! A lot of fun things happening in the next few weeks: final year 12 results, my sisters dance concert, an early Christmas day celebration etc!

Your welcome for the insight. I think you're a good listener judging from all the support you give to me and lots of other people here on the forums. I was talking to a family friend (who is a father) the other day and he was talking about the importance of parents being problem solvers for their kids. He said that if your child comes to you with a problem and you don't fix it or you brush it off as "no big deal", they're less likely to come to you again because their mindset may become "oh dad can't help with my problems, there's no point in asking her". I'm not very good at explaining things but I hope you get the gist of what I'm blabbering on about.

Trying to think as a parent even though I'm not one, listening can sometimes be the solution or "fix" for the problem. For example, say your child is having a bad day because they got a bad mark on a test. Simply listening to them and validating their emotions can "fix" or provide a different perspective on their problem. That in itself can be a solution, no need to angrily stomp into their classroom and start shouting at the teacher asking for an explanation for why your child is not getting good grades. I'm learning about validation in DBT at the moment and I have already used it so many times to help people or make people feel better in a way. However, it is difficult to recognise the situations where you just need to listen and situations where you need to step in and act on the issue.

A treasure hunt sounds like loads of fun even for 17 year old me! The innocence and carelessness of youth is beautiful. I had a similar experience the other day where I asked a 6 year old the other day something along the lines of "are you good at cheerleading" and she replied with "yes I am". If you asked an adult or even teen the same thing people would be very reluctant to say yes even if they are really good at it. Its so interesting. I wonder where it all goes.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

It looks like you already know what your parents need to learn, and I'd suspect if you were able to have confidence they had really learned and so you could confide without fear of hasty action or an attack of the 'fixes' you would have an important addition to your armory of coping.

It's good your mum does want you occupied with snowboarding and other things - do you think she can overcome her fears, at least enough to validate rather than act? Involving you in any decision afterwards would be great - and help relieve her burden too

I've never felt there was a lack of love in your family - is that right? Have you decide on what you will wear for the dance-concert?

You talked of kids and truthful appraisal of themselves, now you question (as an adult): Are you good at surviving what life has thrown at you?

Croix (who will talk of Christmas another time)

あなたは私の尊敬を持っています

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

I am so happy to hear that you are excited, Japan is just what you need I think. Skiing and snowboarding will be amazing and Japan has some amazing places to do that so I am told, the scenery, being in nature, on a board..ohh bliss...I hope you can stop for a moment and feel complete, and..happy. I am so pleased for you that you have some things to look forward to with your sister's dance concert, Christmas celebrations, and yes, your Year 12 results.

That is some very interesting insight into parenting, I am not sure that I wholly agree with your family friend, I am not sure it is out job as parents to "fix" things, that when we feel like we are "fixing" them it is out perception of what is right and how the problem "should" be solved and may not necessarily align with what the child actually needs or wants. I get what he is saying though if you are not supportive you may loose the confidence in your child that you are not there to support them and I think there is a difference as you well know between supportive and fixing. Do you agree? I think that you totally nailed it though in that listening is the key..it really is, and sometimes that is mostly what people want, just to be heard. Validation is absolutely what mostly people want and I am so very glad that at such a young age you already have this tool and this knowledge, how very powerful for you, you are so much wiser than your years Hannah, this is going to serve you so very well in life.

The treasure hunt was super fun and yes, I agree, fun for all ages..lol...I actually laughed when you mentioned about the little girl with her cheer, my daughter used to do it for 7 years before she changed to netball and football, the innocence and the confidence of youth is so precious...I would love to be able to harness that and bottle it....it is the essence of happiness, the courage that nothing is too scary or hard, that they are good at things and that they can do anything....I wonder where it all goes too, but hey, that is the lesson then in resilience and how we have to try to hold on to those feelings of hope and courage and that even in times of real adversity, we can and we will move forward, stronger and maybe a different version of ourselves...but we can!

I am so proud of you Hannah and I hope my daughter grows to have the same wisdom, strength and courage that you have, it is outstanding and it really makes my heart sing how intelligent and wise you are.

Huge hugs as always

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Criox,

I guess I know what I want from my parents but it seems so much harder to implement in my own life rather than someone else's. I can easily see a solution or help a friend in need but it feels like when I need the same neither me or the people around me know what to do. Sometimes some people can help like my case manager and DBT therapist. I can contact my DBT therapist in the evenings when I struggle most and my head can't think straight and she'll provide what seems like a simple answer afterwards on how to help me.

I don't know if my mum can just validate. Whenever there is a problem she always wants to find a solution. She'll spend hours searching up online different solutions or remedies or whatever to try and understand and fix the problem. I don't think either of my parents have ever validated my feelings. In fact, they have said quite a few invalidating things (with good intentions but they didn't go well). I remember when I was a kid, if I ever complained of feeling a "negative" emotion like sadness or jealousy they'd say something along the lines of "you can't feel that way, you are so lucky, a lot of people are worse off than you". They also never emotionally supported or raised me. They were able to provide food, shelter, education, clothes, all the necessities, but they provided no emotional support. Same with my sister, I practically raised her and cared for her in that way. They were absent for both of our childhoods often working or doing other stuff. I was often looked after by a nanny and my sister was cared for by me. Things are better now, they are definitely more involved in our lives. The love in my family is definitely there, but rarely shown (it is shown more so now) or only through materialistic things.

I haven't decided on what to wear for the dance concert, thanks for reminding me. I might plan out my outfits for the rest of the week in a sec because there is a lot going on, spending time with friends, dance concert and early Christmas celebrations.

I'd say I'm not good at surviving what life throws at me because I've nearly died so many times. I guess I'm still here. However, when things happen to other people, I always do everything I can to support them and help them through anything life throws at them. So, I don't know.

Thanks,

Hannah

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I don't completely agree with my family friend either, I feel like some lessons need to be learnt by the kids themselves, it's a bit like overparenting. My parents were a bit like "fix any tiny problem" and it made me take longer to learn to solve my own problems in life. Children should be allowed to develop their own values and opinions and make mistakes and learn. However, I believe anything that children come to their parents for should be acknowledged and not invalidated or pushed to the side.

When you said 'the essence of happiness, the courage that nothing is too scary or hard, that they are good at things and that they can do anything'. It really made me think about things and come to a realisation of the amount of courage young kids have. We are just as capable if not more capable of doing the things we want in life compared to when we are younger but for some reason we become more reluctant or scared or lazy to strive for what we want. It's a bit disappointing. I'm going to keep thinking on it and get back to you.

Thank you so so much for all of your love and support. All the best for your daughter as she grows up with an amazing mother by her side:)

Thank you,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Thank you so very much for the beautiful message Hannah, I try very hard at parenting and I guess the things I say to you would be what I would want my kids to hear if they were seeking support, so for you to say that I am helping you and that you think I am an amazing mother makes me feel so wonderful. Thank you Hannah.

You are so right in what you said about kids being able to learn to think and to be supported to make choices and think about consequences and see what the results are and from that know if that was worth doing again or if it was a mistake, or rather a lesson. Being able to think for one's self is such a huge gift and sometimes we do tend to try to do it for our kids for fear they make the wrong choice, but that too is a lesson.

The essence of children is so precious, you will see it for yourself as they pass you on the slopes while you are skiing or boarding, they will zoom past as fast as lightening without a fraction of fear..as life has not given them reason to fear..yet! It would be so wonderful to approach life with the gusto that children have, imagine what we could be capable of if we gave everything in life that much energy without having the fear or failure or rejection. So very powerful and I would love to hear your thoughts when you have time to think about that.

My friend came home from Japan today and brought me back a little "hello kitty" that is dressed in a dog suit...super cute.

Chat soon

Sarah xx

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Of Course you are good at surviving all that happens to you. Most young peple tend to regard what happens to them as being normal, or at least not all that unusual, and thus don't really understand the hugeness of their difficulties.

As a very off-topic illustration I did not know I badly needed spectacles until well into high school, I just assumed everyone found the world blurry.

You are here, you are taking with intelligence and realism - plus sensitivity, and you help others. There are things and people in your life you really love and like.

It is a great pity your mum is the 'fixit' type. Many capable people fall into this trap, as I mentioned earlier she needs lessons (and to be receptive to change)

When you have an adult profession you may be teaching others how to give care correctly, you certainly have the insight for it.

I can understand how you might see the solutions to problems of others, but in your own case, as you become overwhelmed such solution's simply do not occur to you - you are in distress and cannot think any more clearly than I could.

May I make a suggestion (apologies if you already do this)? Whenever you have to seek the help of your DBT therapist out of hours keep a journal, of how you were feeling (ie what was overwhelming you - if you know) and what the DBT therapist said that seemed to help.

Please have a think about that and see if you can see any advantages (or downsides of course).

I was going to talk of my Christmas wasn't I? Well I forgot 😕 Another time ...

Have fun with your wardrobe

Croix