Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Thank you for the honest reply, you are a rare person. It helps me becuse I can see the fix I was in again in you, I really do understand that trapped feeling with no exit.

In my case, thinking back now, I have a strong feeling it was based on being convinced I might be put in a situation I could not cope with and so had to have a back door. Not sure if you feel the same.

The feeling became less urgent as I gained experience with myself and started to realise I could handle things. When something went wrong or I made a mistake still that initial burst of 'Oh no I can't face it', but over so quick it did not count.

Now I know I can face most thngs OK, and have enough inside me to get help when I'm in doubt. It's taken therapy, time and meds.

I knew a married couple once who sometimes were very cross with each other, but were not the talkative types. They had a pair of china chickens on the mantelpiece, if they were placed facing each other all was OK, if turned about so they faced away then there was a trouble to be sorted out.

It worked

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I'm glad that I can relate to someone with that feeling of being trapped/loss of control.

I recently was coincidentally thinking about whether it had something to do with being in a situation where I couldn't cope or just reaching a point in my life where everything's wrong and I can't fix it. Maybe it has something to do with it. My anxiety is making me feel scared like I can't cope with my life to come. Depressed me simply says its not worth it, I'll never experience joy again.

I kind of want the option because I can't fight it and part of me is against recovery. From my perspective, if I "get better" and continue my life, I'll actually be naive about the fact that I am a burden on others and getting in the way. It's kind of hard to explain but I feel like "recovered me" is just me with a bunch of lies in my head telling me that "I'm worth it" and "I'm strong" etc. What I've just said probably makes no sense.

That's an interesting way to communicate, but if it worked all is good. The only way I can kind of communicate to my parents is through my therapist or someone like that where I tell them something then they (with my permission usually) tell my parents.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

In an ideal world I could simply tell you my experiences and you would accept them. Happy ending.

No such luck, I can say all will be well, you are worth it, and every other positive -and true - thing, yet it would not change how you feel. At times it would not have changed how I felt either, as depression and anxiety reduced my self regard to zero, my confidence in dealing with the future to zero, and my hope the same. I was so frightened.

I felt everyone would be better off without me, you feel even if you got better it would be a sham. The same thing put a different way. So yes it makes sense.

0-100 is quick, no time for protracted talks with a psych, permission given and then a communication to a parent. That's why I mentioned the chooks. it's pretty well instant, you do not have to say anything at all, but at least someone can be there for you. True they may need training in how to not talk too much, use ears a lot.

Yes that is some trouble to arrange, but no more than plugging a new thing into BeyondNow, and I have been in the situation with an offspring where I have had to learn to listen and support, resit the temptation to do more. A parent will go out of their way to learn, it is part of love

You buy the dolls, the psych does the training. You might find it is an additional source of comfort, bit like the sub-acute being available.

Chooks are not compulsory, kokeshi dolls are fun. Maybe you can get a balance between things you can deal with yourself and those you can't. I had to. It worked , though I just used words, not chooks.

A lot of what influenced me was fear - still is a bit at times, and fear is not straightforward or even easy to spot at times.

I guess I'm sort of lecturing, which can be very trying, however I don't know how else to tell you the things I found in me you can use. Please be patient.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

In an ideal world where you could tell me it's going to be okay and I believe it, the jobs of therapists and counselors would be very easy.

Today I had my regular DBT appointment but afterwards we organised for my dad to come in and together, discuss the skills I had learnt so far in DBT. My dad found it helpful and although I didn't particularly like it, it was a nice, stable environment to discuss things and a bit of how everything has been since starting DBT. If family therapy is like that, I'd do it (so far in family therapy I just had separate appointments to my parents).

I'm not sure if I'd even have the courage to use a signalling system like that. I just hate my parents knowing when I'm not doing well or struggling.

I'm slightly terrified at the thought of having to live a life until I'm in my seventies or eighties. It seems scary and impossible and pretty non enjoyable.

Fear is interesting. I watched Frozen 2 at the movies the other day which actually included loads of inspirational/thought-provoking quotes. One of the quotes was "Fear can't be trusted". I've never thought of fear like that but its kind of true in a lot of circumstances, especially with anxiety. Another quote that I really like was, "When one can see no future, all one can do is the next right thing". Its pretty much saying "keep going" but in a beautiful, motivational way. Now I think of it every time I'm feeling hopeless.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I've heard some very good things about DBT and it sound like giving you father an update and idea of where you are can only be good. In a way you are doing 'family therapy' in isolation. I think, at least in my own case, that I'm the only one who can explain how I am, what I need, and what I'm frightened of. If that is relayed via a psych then a lot is lost. So I'd suggest thinking of Family therapy together, at least sometimes.

I forgot, you were right, English was my best subject.

Those quotes on fear align with what I was trying to say, not being straightforward or even easy to spot at times.

I love the 'do the next right thing' quote and will use it myself in future

The courage about that signal can come from two areas, a desire for help right now so you so not self harm/kill yourself, and that I think you are starting to suspect the future involves people - at all levels in one's life- for your life to be a good, fulfilling and happy one.

"I'm slightly terrified at the thought of having to live a life until I'm
in my seventies or eighties. It seems scary and impossible and pretty
non enjoyable."

I'm not game to say how old I am:)

I'll have to watch Frozen 2 too.

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I too will have to watch Frozen 2, I love the first one and there is often a line or two used in our daily life too..."oohh hoo, big summer blow out"....lol. I am with my dad and my kids at the moment and we had the presentation today and that went really well too, the trophy was a beautiful piece of redgum that a local man had created into a shield, it was a really special and emotional day. One of the girls sang and her voice actually brought me to tears.

I can hear that you say that you are not really trusting of your parents, I am wondering if this is about what they will do once they know the information that you are not feeling so good, that they will put in place a strategy to keep you safe and that if fact terrifies you? Perhaps that is is something that you can discuss at your family counselling session, perhaps that you do just want them to listen and support and not have to "fix" you everytime. Does this sound like something that could help? I am just hoping that you can get to a comfortable place where you can reach out to someone who is there when you are feeling so bad and need some support.

Have you got anything planned for this weekend with your friends or something that makes you happy?

Much love to you Hannah

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

For family therapy, the plan was to eventually come together after a few individual sessions, but those sessions won't start up again until next year (which isn't even that far away!). A lot of the sessions were missed because someone couldn't make it, so we haven't yet really got to the point of discussing coming together yet. The family therapy facilitator is still kind of trying to get to know me and my past. My psychs are pretty good at relaying information but I guess it would be better coming directly from me.

The only way I can picture me trying to communicate with my parents is, me hardly saying anything, getting extremely restless and bursting into tears or bursting into anger and or running away. Therefore, my fear is causing me to refrain from nearly any form of contact with them as possible.

I can't believe it's only 25 days until the end of the year. It feels like only the other day was New Years Day and I set about this year thinking I would "get back to normal" aka. back to doing very well in school, pursuing dance training to lead to a career, earning lots of money at my part time job, a great relationship with my boyfriend and a thriving social life. Instead I got the experience of praying to pass at school, quitting dance, too unwell to work, an unloyal ex, and all my friends forgetting about me while I was in treatment after spending over two months of the year between hospital and the subacute ward. If you asked someone which senior year they preferred, I'm pretty sure it'd be an easy answer. It is what it is and I've taken the experiences I've had this year to try and form a new me, stronger and wiser than ever before. I can't change the past. I can't even really see a future so at the moment I'm just doing the next right thing 🙂

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I highly recommend Frozen 2, a bit childish and predictable, but full of wise words.

I'm glad your kids' presentation went well, the arts often bring me to tears as well. A trophy like that sounds amazing, most of mine are random plastic ones but still very special to me.

Ever since the start of this whole "mental health journey" I've been on, I have not been able to ever open up to my parents even about non life-threatening things. So me being scared of the safety measures they'd put in place could be part of me not trusting them, but probably not all. Me wanting them to listen is part of it, my parents are a bit of a "fixer" kind. They are both bad listeners too. I haven't mentioned it to my family therapist yet, its probably worthwhile telling them about it. Hopefully I'll get somewhere where I can reach out for support. I did get to a point where I could open up to someone when I felt unsafe the first time I went to the subacute ward. I can also sometimes reach out to my DBT therapist over text or phone in times of need. Other than that I can never ope up, even when someone asks if I'm okay I'll just lie.

This weekend I don't have too much planned. I'm doing outreach with the subacute so I'm probably going to the beach with them tomorrow. Then Sunday I have pilates with my mum then I'm going to print some more photos to put in my scrapbook I'm making summarising 2019.

Chat soon,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

We always seem to be talking about serious subjects,and while I've some thoghts abut family therapy and fear I'll leave them for today.

I've only seen Japan in movies, and they don't really give a good idea of what you are going to experience. It is not all crowds, hi speed trains and sushi. Even 'Our Little sister" which centers on the household does not really give the flavor.

Would you like to describe what your will see and do, the house you will be in, the food you will eat, what you will do or visit each day, what your grandparents are like and anything else that you might think dull, but to us will be interesting .

Every thing you write will be gratefully read

かいて ください

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Well, some aspects of Japan in media are portrayed authentically but many not so, eg. I saw an advertisement for Japanese rice crackers in Australia, the lady was meant to be a stereotypical Japanese person, problem is she had chopsticks in her hair which in Japanese culture is rude (like putting a dirty spoon in your hair that you just used) and she was wearing a kimono which is only usually worn in traditional events these days.

My life in Japan in one word would be busy. My experience of Japan is 99% in Tokyo so it is like you said, quite crowded and full of trains. My grandparents live pretty much in the middle of Tokyo. They live in area that is quite old and historical, it is popular for tourists because if you walk around the area, you'll run into random old temples and shrines scattered all over the place. If you want to search it up, the district is "Yanesen". They've lived in the same house since my mum was a young child.

My grandparents are I think the same as anyone's grandparents, very kind, want you to eat a lot and sometimes quite funny in their ways. The rest of my family is massive in Japan compared to usual because my mum is one of four children. I have three young cousins, all girls and all very loud but I love them. When we go over to Japan, we have big family gatherings in my grandparents' tiny house which is always very crowded but loads of fun.

I usually go over Christmas and New Year. Japan celebrate these holidays the opposite way to the Western world. Christmas is when people have lights and fireworks and go out to get drunk. They do the kinds of things we do on New Years. New Year is the holiday full of traditions and culture. On New Years Day there are a lot of traditional foods eaten, Shrine visiting, and family time.

The food in Japan is my favourite part. Lots of traditional and weird food but a lot of Western influenced food as well. Ahhh my mouth is watering just typing about the food. My favourite would be any of my grandmother's cooking. Whatever she makes is always delicious.

I've never heard of the movie "Our Little Sister", I'll have to look into it.

ありがとうございます,

Hannah 花