Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Home is a similar amount of supervision and that kind of thing as the sub- acute clinic which is probably also why they were comfortable discharging me (some people didn't have a supervised environment to go home to).

I've never had a huge problem with nightmares other than when I got them as a side effect of a medication. I've always had trouble getting to sleep. I usually get an energy spike at around 8/9pm so the meds help me calm down and sleep through the night. The people at the clinic drilled into me how important sleep was and took keeping me awake through the day very seriously (by keeping me out of my room and tapping me as sson as my eyes fell closed for over a second).

0-100 is a problem I've only recently recognised with DBT and doing a thing called chain analysis, looking at what has previously led me to hurt myself. There's been a pattern of 0-100. Hopefully someone will come up with some sort of solution soon, so far I've got my DBT STOP skill. It's where I stop in the moment, take a breath, recognise the situation and proceed mindfully. It sometimes helps along with my distress tolerance skills.

I'm not sure if I can contact Australia while in Japan actually, I'll ask my team next time I see them. However, I know I won't try and end my life while in Japan and I plan on not taking anything I can self harm with to Japan and try my best to refrain from self harming for the 18 days I'm there. Thanks for the reminder.

The past two New Years I've gone, I have coped better while in Japan. I still get my not so good moments but overall its a bit better. My grandpa watches TV all day every day so sometimes I watch it with him, it is handy to pick up Japanese. I find talking to my mum's family easiest to practice with because they are kind of used to my simplistic Japanese.

Was your best subject while living in France, English?

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I'm hoping I remain stable until Japan because I don't want to have to cancel this trip. I already cancelled a trip there in the middle of the year. I'm scared, I'm not sure I can survive, I already feel like I'm going back downhill again.

I do forget that other people may be reading this and the positive effect it may have on their recovery hopefully. Its like that quote: "Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else's survival guide."

I'll definitely hop on here and update you guys on my trip while I'm in Japan.

This morning I went to Pilates with my mum even though I really wasn't feeling it, felt a bit better afterwards. Then I did some Christmas shopping with my dad. The rest of the day I've spent at home sorting through some stuff and organising some activities next week to keep me occupied. Tomorrow I'm going out on a boat and maybe snorkeling and swimming around the ocean!

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey hannah

I am so sad to hear that you are scared and that you are feeling like you are slipping backwards again. I have no idea how you are feeling and how much pain and frustration that you are in and that you go through each day. I wish I knew the answer to this and that I had some small piece of information that could pull you out of this horrendous pain. I really feel like you are touching others with your determination, your perseverance and your ability to keep going every day, when you are so very scared and so very sore inside. You really are doing so very much right and I know you don't feel this way but you are so brave.

I am glad to hear that you felt good after the Pilates..it really is so wonderful and so very good for your body and your soul. Also a really nice thing that you can do it with your mum, really nice time together.

I meant to ask you , and only if you feel like talking about it, how does your sister manage seeing her big sister have to endure so very much? Is she ok? I remember you saying that you are close and I am just wondering if she gives you some beautiful words of support too.

Stay safe beautiful Hannah, my love and support to you at this really difficult time, we are here for you, I know you know that, but I just need to say it, come chat and type away at anytime you feel so very bad.

Chat soon

Sarah xx

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you so much for all your love and support, it means a lot. I'm really glad you're going to university to study this kind of stuff now too. You have and will continue to make such a difference in people's lives.

My family isn't very open about emotions and feelings and all of this that's happened in general. I've never been able to go to my parents and say "I'm feeling a bit down today" or "I'm feeling unsafe at the moment" etc. I've never talked about my mental health or things that have happened because of it with my sister. I'm not sure how much my parents have said but I know its not much if anything. I feel bad about it. My parents were going to put her in therapy too which I thought was a good idea. She actually previously experienced quite bad anxiety for a year or two when she was about 7/8 years old. I'm doing family therapy now to try and overcome this barrier but so far we haven't really gotten anywhere. I hope my sister is okay. She gives her love and support through arts and crafts where she'll do symbols or a few simple words of encouragement.

This weekend has been good but my suicidal thoughts have been so very loud. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do to keep going until I see my case manager on Tuesday, I'll try my best. It just seems like if I don't act now I'll regret it because soon it will come into a time where I can't really do much to end my life for a few weeks, and that terrifies me. But if I try now and it not work again, it'll be a whole new drama. I've really damaged the trust of everyone around me. I feel so vulnerable and alone.

You don't need to try and fix or provide help for my problems (if you want you are very very welcome to) because I know there isn't an easy fix, your love and support is enough 🙂

Thank you so much,

Hannah

[Sophie_M]

Hey Hannah,
Its Sophie from the moderation team at the Beyond Blue forums, I hope you don't mind us getting in touch with you. I'm writing to you as I'm concerned about your wellbeing. If you are at risk of self-harm or if you are feeling suicidal, we would strongly urge you to seek professional help as it is really important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by letting your parents and family know that you have been contemplating attempting suicide before Tuesday, speaking to your doctor if he or she is available, or attending the Emergency Department of your local hospital

If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We would also encourage you to call our Support Service on 1300 22 4636. We can help 24 hours a day, seven days a week with counselling support, information and referrals. We can arrange for you to be taken to hospital too if you are at immediate risk of suicide or self-harm. We've asked our Support Service to check in with you via email to ensure you have a plan to keep yourself safe from acting on your thoughts of self-harm or suicide.  

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I can say I'm sorry you are frighted and worried and feeling further down, it's true of course and my heart goes out to you but these are just words on a screen, I guess you get to feel our concern not so much from such words, but the things we tell you about ourselves to let you know others have been down the path and survived to happier lives.

Calling our Help Line, or the Kids Help Line - or webchatting to them - are sensible things, as suggested by Sophie_M

Actually I think you are brave as well as caring. To go in great fear each day takes a lot of courage.

Something you said made me think of my past situation. You said "soon it will come into a time where I can't really do much to end my life for a few weeks, and that terrifies me."

Now maybe I've misunderstood, I apologize in advance in case I have, however speaking strictly for myself the fact I could kill myself has at times been a comfort, and to have that possibility taken away would have been very bad.

Frankly I do not wish to say more along these lines until you come back to me, I don't want to misunderstand and so need you to tell me if I understood correctly. Then maybe I can share more. I can say I've definitely been terrified!

I no longer feel that way, but it took time. Now I just deal with the the suicidal thoughts when they arise, which is not often and are very mild, not something I fear at all either way. I still have BeyondNow, but don't need it that much at all, not like plans I've had before which did in fact answer a real need. To have something you can reach for and follow though without thinking much is ideal. I found at those times thinking was not that possible anyway.

Now for you is the time to set yourself tasks you enjoy -or have enjoyed. Was there ever a dance routine you never quite mastered? Perhaps you can arrange one on one tuition to get it right.

I think there is another task to be done too, your parents have to be a place you can go to and say how you are. If they don't talk much perhaps they need schooling. Is there anyone in your medical team can sit down with your mum or dad and explain the depth of the help they can give, not by doing anything fancy , just listening and caring and realizing what you are going through at that moment. Just doing that can break your flow of thoughts.

Bravery comes in all shapes and sizes

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I can hear how scared you are and how much these thoughts and feelings are consuming you. I am so very very sorry that you are going through this and just wish i could give you a hug and say it will all be OK, of course, it is not that easy.

I also want to echo what Croix has talked about and that is to be able to lean on your parents at this time. I hear what you are saying in that you don't really talk to them about how you are feeling and what you need from them in these dark times. Don't forget, they have been on this journey with you and have been to the hospitals and the clinics, the appointments and I get that you are not really feeling that comfortable to reach out to them, but I think you should let them, let them support you and love you in this time.

It might be hard to walk up and say something, can you text from the other room? Can you write a post it note and sit with your mum and give it to her..it might say "I need you to sit with me now". I KNOW that your mum would hold you all night if it meant getting you through the night, you just have to let her. I can hear you saying in your head, "I don't want to disappoint them, I don't want to worry them, I don't want to burden them with this anymore"......let that be their choice though, as I am sure as the sun will come up tomorrow,they will not be thinking any of those things. In fact I am sure that the relief and the joy that you reached out to them will be overwhelming.

I know the pain from the other side of the fence as you know, of not knowing what I could have done differently, the fact I was not given a choice to help and having so many regrets of not being there to hold my brother through these times, and if he had of handed me a note that said even "help"..I could have done something..I could have tried. Please afford your parents the chance to love you and to hold you through the times when you don't know how you are going to make it.

You are so very brave Hannah and you are so strong and you keep trying every minute of every day and you are a true fighter and I have so much admiration for you.

Love and strength to you Hannah, we are here for you, always.

Sarah xxx

[Croix]

Forgot to say, Isle of Dogs 2018 is on one of the more recent streaming services.
-C

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your support.

I've come in contact with someone from Beyond Blue and my DBT therapist and they've provided some support and advice on what to do over the next few days. Last night I was able to distract myself by helping my sister clean her room. She is pretty much the direct opposite of me as I'm like a minimalist and she is much like a hoarder. I enjoy organising things, so being able to reorganise her room helped me calm down a bit and distract me. I also used a few of my DBT skills to help me through the evening. I have the number of my local Acute Care Team to call as well if I need.

Don't worry, you've understood very well. When I went to the sub-acute clinic most recently I brought a few things I could harm myself with, but the staff found them and confiscated them. I had a bit of a meltdown because it felt like I'd completely lost control. When the option of killing myself has been taken away or restrained, I have gotten very upset. It's one of the things that can trigger/upset me the most. For example, in hospital when I've been locked in with nothing allowed with me or in my room other than a teddy I begged for and the clothes on me, as well as someone watching my every move, I felt like I would go/had gone insane!

BeyondNow is handy to have. I also have my collection of safety plans but sometimes my mind doesn't want to stop me. It's weird trying to act contradictory to my thoughts. I recently updated it while at the sub-acute place and its all decent other than my "reasons to live". I hope to one day be in your position.

I'm not sure what I do or used to enjoy. Off the top of my head I can think of: spending time with my friends, travelling, making/watching funny videos/TikToks and dancing of course. I'll try and think of more. I've tried my best to plan as many things as possible this upcoming week to keep me distracted. Today is actually my only free weekday this week.

I think my parents are okay at trying to help and listening and all that, I feel like I'm more the problem. I just can't bring myself to open up and talk to my parents. I don't know whats stopping me but I just physically can't talk about stuff in front of them. The family therapy is meant to help with that but we've had to put it on pause for a number of reasons but it will commence again next year.

Thank you,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

As I said to Croix, I don't know how I can physically talk or open up to my parents, even the thought of texting or writing to them seems pretty much impossible. Seeing it from your perspective is helpful. I don't really know why I can't talk to them. A few reasons I've come up with over the years is the ingrained idea that I'm a burden or disappointment and that kind of thing. Also, when I was younger and opened up about my feelings to them they've been (unintentionally) very invalidating and made me feel a lot worse. I come from a relatively privileged background so being "sad" with the life I'm lucky enough to have seems ridiculous to a lot of people. I was never emotionally nurtured and combined with my very highly sensitive personality, its a bit of a mess. To be honest, I don't think I trust them. I don't really trust very many people at all, I could probably count on one hand who I have any trust in. I figured out the other day with my psychiatrist that it leaves me feeling very vulnerable and alone.

I think I realise that they want me to come to them and they'd be happy if I did but I still can't bring myself to do it. I'll work on it during family therapy.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support.

Talk soon,

Hannah