Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. True enough that people love to judge, and it can be safer not to disclose. The thing is, I'm not the sort of person who is inclined to hide my truth, at least not from relevant people; I don't have the energy or the will to uphold a false identity, and even the backlash from truth is ultimately less of a drain. I didn't expect my parents to get it so I didn't figure on directly bringing it to their attention (though I wasn't about to try and hide it either). I know their views are outdated, and frankly my relationships with them don't carry the same weight as those with my siblings - they are, after all, my childhood abusers.

My brother and I used to be close, though, surviving the neglect together as friends and allies. Now, he is someone I no longer recognise. The views he's expressed over recent years have become increasingly right-wing, delusional, mysogynistic, hypocritical and really quite hateful. Our relationship has been disintegrating on that basis for a long time. Now it is broken.

As I mentioned, I haven't said anything to my parents. I don't really have a relationship with my father - what there is, is very shallow. He sends me money occasionally, I think of it as compensation for his failure to be a father in any meaningful way. Any contact I have with my mother has been through my brother. I find it very unlikely she will make any effort to contact me independently, whatever she may or may not think of my identity. My sister knows, and though she struggles to understand, she accepts and respects my identity. She is the one safe family member from those I was born among, the only one trying to heal and grow. In my learning about trauma, I have found that it's a pretty standard pattern for only one or two people in any given dysfunctional family system to actually challenge and try to change the dysfunction. It's sad, and that's what makes me tired the most. How can people want to perpetuate misery like that?

Not familiar with Electric Fields. I like what you describe though, they sound fun. You're right about artistic expression being a very important vehicle for opening hearts and minds. Sadly there's always going to be the other side, the reactionary conservatives who choose to attack those of us who are just trying to live our lives with our honest identities. I really do think that people living thier truth is threatening to those people. Why, I couldn't say, but that's their problem and it's not my job to fix it.

As always, I greatly appreciate your support. Big hugs!

Blue.