Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. I'm noticing the housework piling up a bit, but I'm gonna have to call that a future me problem. For now, video games await!

It certainly can. I relate to the fluctuation you describe, and I find it profoundly unpleasant. Sounds like the stay in the city was largely positive in terms of things external to yourself, I'm glad. I hope things are going okay with getting your car fixed up. That's a big thing, thinking about moving. How are you feeling about it? I understand that. I guess home is where you feel safe. If you feel safe in the city, maybe it's there.

Yeah, that adjustment between states is what I am talking about. Transitions from one thing to another, which are sincerely not my speciality. I am slow to adjust and make peace with the changes, and rapidly fluctuating states just don't allow for that. I understand how diorienting that must be for you right now. Glad you feel you are moving in the right direction. All of what you describe is really relatable to me, including those periods of despair, distress and dissociation. I'm grateful you are having an easier time of coming back to a more peaceful place than you once did. 

Yeah, that's a pretty accurate description. We have some heavy themes to deal with around his health and both of our past trauma, so those challenges are real and present. We've had some bad nights recently around our own and friends' triggers, and the unhelpful reactive behaviours that sometimes come up and set each other off. I know I'm among the right people though, when everyone is taking accountability for their part in events and can work through what happened and how not to repeat it. That is at the core of what I would call my sense of family, even though I am hurting right now. I understand what you're saying about your beautiful friend and his presence. It doesn't sound strange to me at all, given my feelings about Sir Pecks, and how much a part of me he is. I guess since his passing his presence has become a lot less about his physical whereabouts. He simply is. Is that kind of what you're feeling? There is certainly much meaning to be taken from the physical absence and the spiritual presence of those we love.

Thankfully still no ants inside. They're out of control in both the front and back yard, though, I fear I may have to take some measures I do not wish to take to prevent a revolving door of ants moving inside.

Kind thoughts and hugs to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

The car had a number of maintenance issues with the most important being sorted for now and others on the to do list. I’ve decided to come back to the mechanic I used to see up here because I can trust him to tell me what really needs doing versus what can wait. It is a genuine and reliable family run business.

As for moving, I’ve felt unsettled in my town for some time now. After 3 years it still doesn’t feel like home and I’ve felt quite isolated most of the time. Every time I come to the city I feel much less isolated and more part of humanity. It’s not what I was expecting and always thought that I wanted to live in the country. I do appreciate my current home though for the beautiful surrounds, clean air, peacefulness and low crime rate. But I’ve never felt I belonged and have not found the sense of community I was hoping for and thought would happen. Part of that is due to the total mental and physical health collapse I had after I arrived but it’s also the fact it’s a conservative and fairly insular community and it’s felt hard to connect. So just exploring options at the moment regarding a possible return to the city. I’m longing for meaningful human connection.

Thanks re: the transition between states. What I have noticed in the last few weeks is the quite rapid resolution of what were chronically stuck states before. That has at times been overwhelming and I’ve even questioned my sanity at times as I’ve been trying to come to terms with it. But it all seems to be ultimately an unfolding of a deep healing process. Any struggle or difficulty I encounter just seems like a temporary bump in the road now and then my system works through it. It’s like healing energy is working through me. 

It’s really good you can work through any triggers and reactive responses with hubby. It’s only human that these things occur and being able to communicate through it is not only meaningful but I think builds a stronger relationship over time. It’s like a rupture and repair dynamic that increases insight, understanding, empathy and trust. It’s a special bond to have.

Yes, I think it’s similar to what you describe with Sir Pecks. However, I have had a sense of his whereabouts at times like he’s really there. It’s actually been really comforting and strangely not weird as it probably sounds. So there is a generalised presence but also an almost tangible presence at times too, along with a feeling of warmth in my heart. I’ve had something of a sense of presence before with others, but never anything this sustained and powerful yet also gentle. It’s quite emotional really, in a good way.

I’m glad the ants are at least still not inside. I do hope the change of season may lead to them being less active outside too. Thunderstorm-like conditions have been building here and some big raindrops just fell. It’s a good thing as it’s still been hot up here.

Take care Blue and hugs and warm wishes to you,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

I can relate, my car needs stuff done, and none of it has been. Logistics are a problem. I'm glad you have a mechanic you trust and got the most urgent matter sorted. 

I got that impression, from what you've said. Sounds like you've tried something new in moving to a small town, but it's not working for you liked you hoped. It's okay to shift gears if you need to. I too prefer more natural surroundings but find it easier to find connection in a city - there's more room for individual thinking in places with larger populations, I think. In a small community the fear of being ostracised is magnified, because there's no other group to belong to. It can lead to very closed minds. I'm glad you're exploring options. Whatever decision you come to, you know you're seeking to take the best care you can of your needs.

That's really interesting and positive. I found something similar when I came out as genderqueer. There were so many things tied to my gender idenity that I didn't recognise sufficiently until I did that. Some old problems started to unravel when I put down the binary. It's a strange feeling when it's happening, and I'm still not nuts about rapid transitions, but it's freeing. Like you say, the difficulties of life seem less overwhelming and all-encompassing now, there's more regulation. I'm glad you are experiencing that.

It's difficult, but we're doing it. Still feeling pretty raw from this last incident. Yeah, the rupture & repair dynamic is a significant part of deepening relationships. It's just not possible to have any kind of relationship without some conflict, and avoiding (healthy) conflict actively subverts connection. Being able to have those difficult conversations and navigate different opinions and needs and triggers is all part of deeper connection.

Still doesn't sound weird. I'm not sure if it's the same, but there are times when hubby has been in hospital and I'd give him a little story about Sir Pecks being with him, wandering about the bed and pecking his medical equipment, etc., and it felt somewhat to both of us like he was really there. It gave him almost a physical presence alongside the general presence. I imagine you're feeling your friend as more present because of the strength and closeness of your bond with him. That's a good thing.

Same. I have my doubts, Autumn is very dry and they go wandering to find water. We had trouble all last year on and off with ants inside because of that, though they were different ants and easier to manage. There are a lot more of them in the yard now than last year, so I think measures need to be taken. Seems like the ecosystem has skewed out there, they're leaving little room for other insects to thrive. Do you enjoy thunderstorms? We don't get them often here, but I do really enjoy them.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Blue,

Yes, I too prefer natural surroundings yet find it easier to connect in a city. I have found that it’s challenging in this town to be outside a fairly conservative perspective. There are some staunchly held views that if you contravene the norm you can indeed be ostracised. This happened to me when someone’s racist views upset me one day because of a severe outcome a childhood friend went through (a racist physical attack that left him dead). When I tried to explain it was upsetting me it just got worse, especially as she was attacking his particular ethnicity. I had to walk away which wasn’t even voluntary. My system couldn’t stay there and take it. The consequence led to her spreading the bad word about me, neighbours turning on me and her even menacingly stalking me in her car while I was on a walk. I wanted to get the hell out of here after that. It has smoothed over to some degree now. I actually wrote a letter to her explaining why her views were so distressing to me which seemed like it helped and she now waves from her car instead of looking like she wants to do me serious harm. But basically my trust with some members of the community is damaged now and won’t be the same. My lovely elderly neighbour told me she wouldn’t dare tell others in the town how she sometimes votes as it would lead to being ostracised. So at times it feels kind of suffocating. But I suspect there may be a few like-minded souls, perhaps more in neighbouring towns. It’s just much more difficult to find them compared with the diversity and number of people in the city. 

That’s interesting about coming out as genderqueer, that some old problems started to unravel. I feel like it’s connected with being fully real. I’m finding that things I’ve been dissociated from are now being felt, often painfully, but it’s about knowing certain truths I buried in order to survive. Now those truths are seeing the light of day I have to feel the associated grief and vulnerability. But those things are now dynamic so they are processing instead of being chronically stuck. It’s not surprising things are transitioning more rapidly but it all seems to be working towards regulation.

I think learning to navigate rupture and repair is so incredibly helpful. I grew up in an environment where there was just rupture after rupture and never any repair. So I never got to see conflict resolution or the healing of relationships. It’s not surprising I ended up conflict averse. I’ve started to learn it’s ok for me to have an opinion and to express my needs, and that this is part of the repair process along with the needs of the other. Before I only focused on the needs of the other as I was raised strongly to do that. That led me into relationships with people that were unhealthy and not particularly amenable to repair except through me acquiescing to the other, and that is not true repair. Things were held together by my avoidance of rupture by meeting the other’s needs and being overly tolerant of inappropriate behaviours from others. I’m learning differently now.

That’s lovely about really feeling the presence of Sir Pecks when hubby was in hospital. It’s so comforting and can really lighten an experience such as being in a hospital. Quite literally I can feel the presence of my friend doing things such as drawing me out of a negative thought spiral or calming anxiety that arises. It’s like having a new resource that’s attuned and present with me. I’m used to feeling isolated most of the time so it’s been quite emotional grasping that I’m generally not feeling that way now. I still have powerful moments of grief and loss, but I’m definitely in something kind of transformative at the moment.

Autumn does seem to be getting drier. I guess explore the options you have with the ants. As for thunderstorms, I love them. I’ve had a few close encounters with lightning so I respect the dangers, but I love the energy of them.

May you, hubby and Mr Feisty have a peaceful evening.

Hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Just a quick one to say my energy is low and I'll come back to this when I have the bandwith to give my response the attention it deserves. Hope you're doing as okay as can be with everything going on.

Peace and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Blue, yes, no worries 😌 I totally understand. I’m doing ok 👍 Take care and peace and hugs to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Cheers for understanding. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now. It seems like without spending hours or days mapping out every moment ahead, the world really pushes so hard to take over every scrap of our time, our energy, our freedom, our peace and our agency. It's such a ludicrous uphill battle at all times to hold onto those things, and the least wearing of our armour leads to it all dogpiling on us as hard as it can. With everything happening lately, I have lost control of that tight rein that is so needed, and am inundated with appointments, messages, media, errands, housework... the list goes on. I am not in an okay place right now, everything feels like way too much. I think I'll be stepping back from the forums (and everything) for a bit to regroup; shorter messages less often, though I do want to check in as able.

Peace where you can find it, and comforting hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

That is all understandable and I get the need to draw back. I have found the only way I can cope at times is to withdraw. I’ve also been learning a pattern of letting go which is a progressive learning for me. But sometimes simply finding space to just lie on my couch and relinquish everything, even if it’s for 10 minutes, can make a difference. So if you can find a space between everything, just letting all those things piling up go and being fully present and resting yourself may help. It’s like not trying to solve anything during that time, just being. I’m not sure if that helps but it’s what is helping me.

Take good care and wishing more peaceful times ahead for you, hubby and Mr Feisty 🙏💖

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

As always, thanks for the understanding. Withdrawing is sometimes a necessity, the world is exhausting, communicating is exhausting. Oh, letting go is hard, so I get that. I find 10 minutes is okay, but usually I need longer. A day, a week, or more. I've just ditched everything off my schedule for two weeks. I've hardly even answered messages, e-mails, etc., and it took about a week to really let go properly. The old nervous system really needed a hard reset. It's been invaluable to just put everything down for a while, reassess and reassert my boundaries. A thing I have to do regularly. I'm slowly finding myself again.

I sincerely hope things are going okay for you. Have been thinking of you. Much peace to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

Yes withdrawing can be a total necessity! Take as long as you need. No pressure. Sometimes all we can do are the basics. I have spent quite a bit of today under a blanket on the couch and it was required. So I do understand and I think sometimes we try to ignore the need to crash and keep pushing through before we crash more severely, which I have certainly done. It’s like really listening to the nervous system isn’t it and following its guidance about what we need. I’m glad you are finding yourself again.

I’ve been through a rough patch in the last few days with another severe hormonal crash. I’ve also realised in recent weeks I’ve had a dissociative part completely split off which is how I’m coping with certain trauma stuff. I’m presenting with the symptoms of Other Specified Dissociative Disorder which is like a less severe version of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I watched a video by Polly Samuel to help me understand it. She is the woman with autism I did some counselling sessions with in 2016. She was diagnosed with DID due to very severe early trauma. It’s one of the best accounts I’ve ever heard of someone explain the condition. It’s like I have a milder version of that, so without the dissociative amnesia. It was a bit of a shock at first to realise it’s happening but it has actually been a healing coping mechanism.

Anyway, I’m sort of ok and surviving. I really wish you much peace too. I hope you are having a restful weekend. Kind thoughts and hugs to you,

ER